Years ago, when I was living in England, I worked at a market research firm. We did after-sales questionnaires for Volkswagen trying to find out how happy people were with their new purchase and their purchasing experience. Of course, the callers would have to type up what they said verbatim and someone had to check all the writing for inconsistencies, grammar and spelling. This is where I came in. I’d spend a few hours each night trawling through all the different written responses and signing off on them. When each batch was done, the computer system, a system that reminded me very much of my commodore 64 when I was younger, would pop up a small box of text containing a Deep Thought by Jack Handey. This was the bit of the night I looked forward to the most: Seeing that little box of text maybe once an hour.
It was awesome.
What, it was a call-center, there wasn’t a lot going on!
So here, for your reading pleasure, are some of my favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, famed American writer from SNL.
“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”
“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”
“It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”
“It’s fascinating to think that all around us there’s an invisible world we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.”
“Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.”
“The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.”
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
“At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be ‘Clark Kent, Dentist,’ because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, ‘How’s my back tooth?’ and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, ‘Oh it’s okay,’ then the patient would probably say, ‘Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?’ and you’d say, ‘Aw f*ck you, get outta here,’ and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.”
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