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comedy conversations entertainment funny humor

I Recently Made A Weird Discovery…

I recently made a weird discovery…OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I discovered that my phone had been recording every phone call made on my phone from Feb 2015-Jan 2016. 

Every phone call. 

Now, while you may be thinking, ‘HOLY SHIT!! WTF?!!! SPIES!!! MALWARE!! OMG!’. I immediately thought, ‘Ohhhh…so that app did work.’ 

See here’s what happened, I downloaded an app back in February 2015 to record my voicemails separately as my phone will only save three and then starts deleting them. I had the bright idea that if I could record the voicemails separately, if I needed the information later, I could retrieve it.

It was a solid plan.

I would run the app, call the voicemail and the app would automatically record it.

Perfect.

However, I couldn’t figure out how to use the app and quickly abandoned it. Then, while cleaning out my apps in January because I had run out of memory (there’s that mystery solved), I deleted the call recording app. 

Over the year, I had updated my phone. Turned off and on my phone. Closed all apps hundreds of times. Had a battery problem where it kept shutting off (a problem that just kinda went away by itself…). And still, this app kept on chugging away.

Until, when testing out my new C25K app’s in-app music, it pulled from my ‘music’ folder a call The Canadian One made to me on his first night in Hamilton for work.

Not a great soundbite to workout to.

shopping-cart-1467039-638x542As strange as it was to discover it did record all my calls, I also realized 95% of the calls were from The Canadian One…at a grocery store…mostly regarding the shopping list. Things like:

“They have no onions.”

“HOW CAN THEY NOT HAVE RUFFLES?!! THERE’S BEEN A SPIKE IN RUFFLE SALES.”

“The toilet roll is not on sale…what do I do?”

“I’m going to Safeway. Your bread isn’t here.”

And the other 5% were my doctor and dentist confirming appointments.

I do not lead a very exciting phone call life.

I listened to maybe 10 to get the gist of them – they were so clear it was like I had recorded it in the room with both people – and then I deleted them.

I deleted the HUNDREDS of calls my phone had been saving.

It was very weird.

And probably very illegal.

But mostly, very weird.

Categories
conversations entertainment

I read this and thought of…well, every girl I’ve ever met…

I saw this article shared on a friend’s Facebook today: 

It was easier

And it made me think.

I know a lot of girls who could’ve written this article.

I’ve been cornered in bars, been called a tease for being friendly, been yelled at in the street, felt uneasy about walking past a group of men, just last month a guy yelled out his car window at me while I was walking to the train station on my way to stampede – I was wearing a denim skirt from the gap, a nice shirt from H & M, converse shoes and a cowboy hat…clearly that was an invitation to yell at me while I waited to cross to road.

Not that it actually matters what I was wearing.

When it came to the first guy I slept with I was reluctant, nervous, and unsure but still went through with it. A few weeks later his friend announced to a room full of my friends and theirs, ‘Hey, isn’t that the girl whose virginity you took and she got blood on your bed?’. He was pointing at me and I immediately gathered my things and walked out. The guy I’d slept with said nothing and was staring at his shoes as I went by. 

I never saw him again.

One of his friends, who witnessed the announcement incident, would later go on to punch him in the face over it a few months later. 

When I was 12, an old man walked up to me in a crowded HMV store and asked where he could find ‘Sex on the Beach’ and then smiled at me. I pointed to the singles chart on the opposite side of the store where the CD was and where he would’ve had to walk by to get to me.

When I was in Italy, a guy spent a portion of the night banging on my locked hostel door, yelling he wanted to have sex with me. I was sharing a room with three other girls I didn’t know and we were all in bed with the lights out trying to sleep. It was awkward.

In Paris, while sitting with my mother, her boyfriend and my best friend at a bar (on high bar stools), the guy sitting behind to me continually brushed his hand against my ass and back. It was lunch time and the bar was practically empty. When my friend and I announced we were going to look at art in a store across the street to my mother, the man slowly trailed behind us as we left. As I looked at the art, I could feel his stare burning into me. We stayed in the store so long, the man finally got bored and left just as my mother burst in looking for us. The bartender had become concerned when he saw the man get up and follow us, had watched him enter the art store after us and had mentioned it to my mother that she should go get us before anything happened.  

I had a guy once walk up to me in a bar while I was sitting with my friends, look me up and down and ask me ‘who I was trying to f*ck’ because I was wearing a nice sweater, shorts and tights.

I’ve been followed by a cab driver yelling prices he would pay to have sex with me at me while I was walking home from a bar alone. I’ve had a guy walk up to me and ask for a massage…while I was in a mall waiting for The Canadian One to come out of the washroom. I was once in a class with an older male instructor who had a penchant for touching girls on the shoulder or lower back when speaking to them. And at X-Fest last year, I had my ass grabbed by a guy walking past me for no other reason other than I was standing there talking to my friend and he was walking past. 

I know girls who’ve been raped.

I know girls who’ve been dragged into dark alleys and managed to escape.

I know a lot of girls who could’ve written this article…

…and those are all sad things to know.

Categories
conversations entertainment random

10 Years On, A Man I’ll Never Forget

This video popped up in my newsfeed today and it made me cry…

Video courtesy of Spread the Message

Exactly 10 years ago I worked for the Asthma society in Dublin. Each morning, we would all pile into a car or a van and get dropped off, one by one, in various locations around Dublin city to sell scratch cards to raise money. A different location everyday, I met a vast range of strange and unusual people.

During the time I worked there (roughly three weeks), I got two free tickets to see Red Hot Chilli Peppers from a guy who said his friends weren’t coming and did I want to sell them to raise money, I almost got hit by a car who hit the curb on the sidewalk a little too hard and bounced the car into my just-jumped-out-of spot (he donated $10 to me as he ‘almost killed’ me) and I spent many a time hiding in department store doorways with the security guard sheltering from the rain and chitchatting about the weather.

But the one thing that I remember the most and that I will forever remember is the homeless man I met outside the convenience store I was stationed at one afternoon.

He sat on the ground on the busy main street with his Styrofoam cup, jingling it slightly as people exited the store. He had long shaggy hair and a scruffy beard and was nestled among a backpack and a blanket. I stood diagonal to him, sporting a summer dress, an ID badge, my official vest, my scratch cards in hand and my big white money-collecting bucket at my feet.

People would walk by, ignore him, ignore me, go on with their day. We would smile at each other occasionally, he’d wave to me, watch me if a crowd came and they seemed to be getting to close to me. There’d been a rash of white buckets being stolen recently and I was worried in the busy street someone would steal my bucket, maybe he could sense that.

He’d talk to me a little, ask about my day, make comments about the street, the people. Nothing rude. Just general talk. He seemed kind and gentle, gregarious even, and I found myself sad people were ignoring him.

At the end of the day, it was time for me to pack up what little I had raised and head back to base but as I took off my vest the homeless man vacated his nest of worldly belongings and made his way over to me. As it turns out, he was equally sad people were ignoring me and with a gentle, knowing voice told me that he wants to help. He extended his weathered hand to mine and handed me some change from his Styrofoam cup. I stood staring in disbelief that this man, who has almost nothing would give me money for charity. He settled himself back into his spot on the opposite side of the sidewalk, nodded at me and smiled.

And 10 years on, I’ve never forgotten him.

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor quotes South Korea

‘I’m sorry I flicked s**t at you.’ – Quote Friday – 08/03

Since I’ve been off school this week there are no new quotes from students so ya’ll will have to wait another seven days to see what ridiculous things my students say in class. To tide you over though, here are some of the best quotes from The Shamrock and The Canadian One do Busan.

Having just arrived in Busan:

Me: ‘You think 11:15 is too early to start drinking?’

Him, almost offended by the question: ‘No!!’

Me: ‘And this is why I love you!’

A minute later we were in an Irish bar having these for breakfast:

***

Me: ‘Why can’t you get married tomorrow?’ – I confused ‘get messed up’ with ‘get married’.

***

Guy on train: ‘How old are you?’

Me: ’28.’

Guy: ‘Really? You could be a high school student!’

Me: ‘YAY!!’

The Canadian One stares, dubiously, raising his eyebrows.

***

Him: ‘I’m sorry I flicked shit at you. I’ll pay for dinner.’ – Having just flicked poop on me with his foot after he stepped in it on the beach. He thought it was a bug on his foot and flicked it towards me. I later got dinner, drinks and a bracelet out of it.

***

On the way into Busan Train Station:

Him: ‘I gotta pee. ‘

Me: ‘ME TOO!!’

Him: ‘I have an excuse. I drank five beers!’

Me: ‘I drank two!’

Him: ‘You drank one and a half.’

Me: ‘No, I drank that giant one. That counts as one and a half all by itself.’

Him: ‘That was a normal one. It was just in a taller glass so it looked bigger.’

Me: ‘Like how you shave and it looks bigger?’

***

At home, me playing fast and loose with The Canadian One’s diabetes:

Me: ‘Can you pass me the sugar? It’s in the thingy at the end.’

Him: ‘It says fake sugar on it.’

Me: ‘It’s real sugar. It’s just labelled wrong……OH YEAH, don’t use the sugar in the ‘fake sugar’ bottle…it’s real sugar. I forgot to tell you that.’

***

While talking about a girl The Canadian One previously lived with:

Me: ‘I find it weird that you had this whole life before me. It’s like I missed a season of a TV show.’

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor

‘What water tank?’ – Conversations with Mam

Water Tank
Not our Water Tank

My mam calls me on Skype. I’m on video. She’s not. I’m in Korea. She’s in Ireland. It’s the end of the call.

Mam: ‘I have to go. I have to run the bath every few hours to drain the water because there’s something wrong with the ball cock in the water tank.’

Me: ‘What water tank?’

‘The water tank in the attic.’

‘What water tank in the attic?’

‘The big steel thing that’s full of water.’

‘What big steel thing?’

‘It’s in the attic!!! Where did you think the water in the house came from?!’

‘The…world…I thought when you turn on the taps the world gives us water.’

The Earth seen from Apollo 17.
Where I think water comes from

‘The…world? No, it comes from the mains into the tank and then into the bathroom. Downstairs it comes from the mains into the taps.’

She pauses while I look confused and skeptic on video call.

Me: ‘What about the downstairs bathroom?’

‘That’s from the mains. Just upstairs is from the tank.’

Pause, while I contemplate this.

‘Why just upstairs?’

‘Something to do with pressure.’

‘What about the electric shower?’

‘Oh for God’s sake! That’s from the mains. That’s why you’re not supposed to drink the water from upstairs. Only downstairs. Because upstairs water has been sitting in a tank and you’re not supposed to drink it.’

Pause

Me: ‘I thought that was just a myth. I thought you just told us that to stop us drinking the water when we brushed our teeth.’

I couldn’t see her, but I pretty sure my mam shook her head in disbelief that we share the same DNA.

When we moved onto me asking how the electric shower was connected to the electricity in the house, Skype cut off our call. I think even it was getting bored with my questions.

For more Conversations:

And for more funny quotable quotes:

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘They think we’re American.’ – Quote Friday 07/06

Quote Friday: A round-up of the best quotes from my elementary school kids in South Korea this week!

Ridiculous WordPress Stat Notice of the Week:

Someone Googled ‘in what part of canada the strippers earn more money?’ and found me…

What the WHAT?! of the Week:

While walking through our neighborhood on Wednesday on the way to watch The Amazing Spiderman, The Canadian One and I (The Shamrock) had a woman and her son jump out at us, waving their arms in celebration and wishing us:

 ‘HAPPY DAY!!’

I smiled politely while The Canadian One did what I should have done, leaned away slightly with suspicion and caution. While the incident confused The Canadian One, I came up with only one explanation:

‘They think we’re American.’

REALLY?!?!! Conversation of the Week:

I walk into my classroom to my co-teacher, who has her own classroom, messing about with my clock.
 
Me: ‘What are you doing?’
 
Her: ‘Changing the time.’
 
Me: ‘It’s five minutes slow. I know. I did that.’
 
Her: ‘The parents complain you let the students go home five minutes early.’
 
I look momentarily confused.
 
Me: ‘I don’t. I let them go at the right time.’
 
She changes my clock to the correct time.
 
Me: ‘No, no, I changed the clock because all the students start packing their stuff too early and I don’t want them to so I changed the time on the clock…about three months ago.’
 
Her: ‘The parents complain.’
 
Me: ‘Ok, but…I’m changing my clock back.’
 
Reluctantly, she hands me back my clock and I change it back again.
 
And onto Quotes…Happy Quote Friday!
 
During a tick-the-boxes worksheet:
 
CD: ‘It’s warm in spring’
 
Choices a) A snowy picture or b) A spring picture.
 
Me: ‘What’s the answer?’
 
Kid: ‘B.’
 
Me: ‘And what’s the sentence?’
 
Pause
 
Kid 2: ‘IT’S B.’
 
I look at him.
 
Kid 2: ‘It’s a sentence!’
 
***
 
Me: ‘Your homework is pages 34-37.’
 
Kid: ‘FOUR PAGES!!’
 
Kid 2: ‘I want my money back!’
 
***
 
During a break, the younger kids are messing about. One kid tries to kick another kid from the other side of a desk but misses.
 
Kid 2: ‘Hahahaha, you have short legs!!’
 
We had literally just learned body parts, etc in the previous class. I was so proud!…Until I had to break up the ensuing fight.
 
***
 
Kid: ‘He goes go camping.’
 
Kid 2: ‘NO!’
 
Kid: ‘He goes go camping.’
 
Kid 2: ‘NOOOO!’
 
Kid: ‘It says!!! He goes go camping.’
 
Kid 2: ‘NO GO!! NOOOOO GOOOOOOO!!!’
 
Kid: ‘He goes…camping?’
 
Kid 2 exhales.
 
***
 
Me: ‘Today we will do all of unit 6.’
 
Kid: ‘No thanks.’
 
Me: ‘That wasn’t a question.’
 
Kid: ‘Oh…’
 
***
 
I immediately regret the page in the book that says: ‘Interview your English teacher and write up the interview.’
 
Among the questions I got asked:
 
‘Do you have a Korean name?’
 
‘Are you intimate with Korean teacher?’ (who’s female and works in the next classroom)
 
‘Do you have boyfriend?’
 
‘Do you like fruit?’
 
‘What are you weight?’
 
‘After school you do what?’
 
‘England and Korea which is better?’
 
‘How much you get monthly salary?’
 
‘Will you marry me?’
 
Luckily class ended before I answered….well, any of them! Thank God for well-timed classes!
 
Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

Quote Friday – Some New Quotes and Top 11 Quotes From The Wall

So some of you may noticed last week’s absence of Quote Friday. For this, I apologise. You see between last week and this week, my students have been finishing their old books and starting their new books. This has involved a lot of writing in class and very little speaking other than the occasional, ‘I don’t like the new book’ comments I get with each new book.

The students were also informed this week that Open Class is soon upon us. Ah, Open Class, a day in which the classes are combined via time NOT level (really, where’s the logic??!) and their parents get to come in, watch me try to teach one book to a vast spectrum of different ability students and they write down their thoughts on my class. They essentially grade me on how good I am at, not teaching a normal class under normal everyday circumstances, but how well I fare at teaching kids doing the wrong book at the wrong level with other kids that are waaaaay more advanced than them…Oh and it’s got to be fun too.

This, combined with the new books, the fact that my air conditioning is controlled by a central school system and they don’t deem it hot enough for it to be switched on yet leading to a rise in heat and sleepiness during class and a majority of my students being on field trips recently, has lead to no new and/or interesting quotes from my students.

Except one:

Today, I go down the classroom to break up a fight between two little boys who are calling each other ‘a baby’, moments after I told the entire class off for faffing about and acting like kindergarten students.

Kid 1: ‘You baby!!’

Kid 2: ‘YOU BABY!!’

Me: ‘HEY!’

Kid 1, stands up, pointing at Kid 2: ‘Mommy’s milk, you go, drink!’

I immediately burst into laughter to the surprise of the entire class and had to hide my face behind my book.

***

And so I present to you my Top 11 (cos I couldn’t pick just 10) Quotes From The Wall!

1.

Having just read the sentence: ‘Baby wallabies are born without fur.’

Me: ‘What are baby wallabies born without?’

Kid: ‘Hope.’

***

2.

Me: ‘What’s a baby chicken called?’

Kid: ‘An egg fry.’

***

3.

Me: ‘What’s back to life?’

‘A ghost?’

Me: ‘No.’

‘Dead…then no dead.’

Me: ‘YES!’

‘Zombie.’

Me: ‘OK.’

‘Jesus.’

Me: ‘Yes.’

‘Jesus was a zombie!!’

Me: ‘No…well, maybe.’

‘Yes teacher, Jesus was a zombie!’

Me: ‘Fine, but …don’t tell your mommy I said that!’

***

4.

Me: ‘What’s your favorite book?’

‘Harry Potter.’

Me: ‘What’s the story?’

‘It has no story.’

***

5.

The two BEST definitions I’ve ever gotten:

Me: ‘What are eyebrows?’

Kid: ‘People’s eye fur.’

AND

Me: ‘What’s a ‘tail’?’

‘A dog’s antenna.’

***

6.

I asked my class what is ‘dark’. One student stood up, all excited and proceeded to explain the word dark using very animated hand gestures and random English words. He made no sense but I could tell he knew what it meant. His friend calmly raised his hand. I looked at him and he leaned over to the light switch next to him, knocked off the light….

…and then looked at his friend.

***

7.

I stare, wide-eyed at a child making noise in my class while I’m talking. We had just learned the words ‘egg’, ‘chicken’, ‘lay’ and ‘hatch’.

Kid 1: ‘Teacher, your eyes, so big.’

Kid 2: ‘Teacher teacher, your eyes will hatch!!!’

***

8.

Reading a story about a mother and two kids:

Kid 1: ‘Where is father?’

Me: ‘Maybe on vacation.’

‘Maybe dead.’

Me: ‘OK, or maybe on vacation.’

‘Yes teacher, a forever vacation.’

***

9.

Me: ‘Name a state in America.’

Kid: ‘Loveland.’

‘What? Loveland?’

‘Yes, it’s a state.’

‘No it’s not!’

‘Yes, teacher, my mother and my father go to Loveland and give birth to my brother.’

Pause.

Me: ‘Your mother and your father went to Loveland in America and had your brother?’

‘Yes…it’s a state.’

I literally couldn’t teach for five mins I was laughing so much!

***

10.

Me: ‘Does a penguin lay eggs?’

Kid 1: ‘No.’

Kid 2: ‘YES!!And daddy penguin sit on egg like this’…Mimics sitting on an egg.

Me: ‘Right, very good.’

Kid 3: ‘Yes, and mommy penguin goes to the nightclub and eats fish.’

***

11.

Usually the kids aren’t allowed out of the classroom during class as they run about the school.

Naughtiest kid in my class (boy, 11): ‘Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?’

‘No, you cannot.’

‘But teacher, man’s important part will bomb!!!!’

I was laughing so much, I just let him go!

***

For more, check out:

The Wall of Quotes

‘I am Mommy Monster!’ – May 25th 2012

‘Why do you have tadpoles in my class?’ – May 18th 2012

‘He looks smart.’ – May 11th 2012

‘His skin is bling bling?’ – May 4th 2012

‘Relax!’ – April 27th 2012

‘She is like wi-fi!’ – April 20th 2012

‘Dino-Aliens!! I KNEW IT!!’ – April 13th 2012

‘It’s so bling bling.’ – April 6th 2012

‘She’s a ninja!’ – March 30th 2012

‘A Hand Jacket!’ – March 23rd 2012

‘The Dinosaurs Ate Each Other.’ – March 17th 2012

‘I’ll Give You A Sticker.’ – March 9th 2012

‘SURPRISE DINOSAURS!’ – March 2nd 2012

‘He’s The King!’ – February 24th 2012

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids quotes South Korea

‘He looks smart.’ – New Quotes Added

Prompted by my 90 minutes spent talking to various call center workers yesterday in a bid to find out some information about Paypal, I’m reminded of some of the best quotes from my student days of call center work:
 
Caller: ‘Are you American?’
 
Me: ‘No’
 
‘Why do you sound American?’
 
‘I’m Irish, not American.’
 
‘You sound American, I don’t like Americans. Goodbye.’
 
And he hung up!
 
***
 
Post spiel regarding security,
 
Me: ‘So how can I help you today?’
 
Old lady: ‘I got an invoice for something I didn’t buy.’
 
Me: ‘Ok, what is it that it says you bought?’
 
Old lady: ‘I didn’t buy it.’
 
Me: ‘Ok.’
 
Old lady (whispering) ‘It says I bought a vibrator.’
 
***
 
Me: (regarding the sales staff a woman dealt with) ‘How flexible did you find the sales staff?’
 
Pause
 
Woman (slightly confused): ‘You mean like…bendy?’
 
***
 
While doing something COMPLETELY different, suddenly:
 
Kid: ‘TEACHER TEACHER, I AM QUEEN MOUSE!!’
 
I look at him.
 
Me: ‘Queen mouse?’
 
Kid: ‘YES!!’
 
Moments later
 
Kid: ‘WAIT, QUICK MOUSE….no queen.’
 
***
 
Regarding our story in which a purple alien dog with two tails almost drowns in the water.
 
Kid: ‘Teacher, dogs swim….but Hoopla no swim!!’
 
Me: ‘Hoopla’s not a dog. He’s an alien.’
 
Kid: “NO, he’s a monster dog….Why no swim?!’
 
Me: ‘I really don’t know.’
 
Kid: ‘Ok.’
 
***
 
Me: ‘Why are you standing up?’
 
Kid: ‘I was bad.’
 
Me: ‘Did I say stand up?’
 
Kid: ‘…No…but I was bad….’
 
Me: ‘Please sit down.’
 
***
 
Kid: ‘Teacher, do dolphin ride bikes?’
 
Me: ‘Ummm, no.’
 
***
 
In our class we have four rules, two of which are ‘Be Quiet’ and ‘No Korean’. A little girl is writing a rule on the board for me. She finishes but gets it incorrect.
 
Another Little Girl (reading and looking more and more confused) : ‘Be Korean? BE Korean?? I AM Korean!!!’
 
***
 
Yesterday, The Canadian One finished band practice. I call him.
 
Me: ‘Hey, how are you?’
 
Him: ‘Eh, I’m good.’
 
‘Awesome.’
 
…Him: ‘What’s up?’
 
Me: ‘Oh I just called to see where you were and to say hi.’
 
‘That’s it?’
 
‘Yep.’
 
‘I’m on my way home.’
 
‘Cool….Can you bring home Doritoes??’
 
‘Is that why you called?’
 
‘…No…I also called to say hi….Will you bring home Doritoes?’
 
***
 
Kids all have their books open on the wrong page.
 
Kids: ‘Teacher, loooooooook, IRELAND!!!’
 
I look. It’s a page all about Ireland.
 
Kid: ‘Teacher, it’s you!!’
 
Me: ‘Oh, yeah!’
 
Kid: ‘Teacher, boy’s name is Kevin?’ (reading the story)
 
Me: ‘Eh, yeah, his name is Kevin. Why?’
 
Kid: ‘My boyfriend’s English name is Kevin.’ (She’s 8)
 
Later: We listen to the CD reading of the story by an Irish boy with a thick Irish accent.
 
Entire Class: ‘WHAT?! WHAT?!! I NO UNDERSTAND!!!’
 
Me: ‘Yeah, I’ll just read it to you instead!’
 
***
 
Two little girls are having a conversation while I correct homework.
 
Kid 1: ‘…your brother….’
 
Kid 2: ‘I have no brother!!’
 
Kid 1: ‘Yes, brother!!’
 
Kid 2: ‘NO, younger brother!’
 
Kid 1: (staring at her) ‘YES BROTHER!!’
 
Kid 1 stops talking to Kid 2.
 
***
 
My students are singing a song I didn’t teach them.
 
Me: ‘Where did you learn that song?’
 
Kid: ‘Our English teacher.’
 
Me: ‘The one in there?’ (pointing to my co-teacher’s classroom)
 
Kid: ‘No, our school one.’
 
Me: ‘The boy?’
 
Kid: ‘No, a girl.’
 
Me: ‘Oh, you have a girl foreign teacher?’
 
Kid: ‘No, she’s Korean. We have another teacher too. He’s a boy.’
 
Me: ‘Is he like me?’
 
Pause
 
Kid: ‘He looks smart.’
 
***
 
Me (teaching them the word ‘fancy’) : Fancy.’
 
All: ‘FANCY.’
 
One little boy: ‘Teacher! Alex say PANTIE!!!’
 
***
 
Me: ‘What’s grass?’
 
Kid: ‘If you have the many money and the big house, you have many grass.’
 
***
 
While teaching hobbies,
 
Me: ‘What would you like to collect?’
 
Kid: ‘Money.’
 
***
 
My grade ones have been learning English for 10 weeks. One kid in particular is pretty wild and is constantly having to be told to sit down. He’s yelling.
 
Me: ‘TED!!’
 
Ted: ‘Ted, sit down?’
 
Me: ‘No, Ted,  you are sitting down. Be quiet.’
 
Ted: ‘No sit down?’
 
Me: ‘No, be quiet.’
 
Ted stands up.
 
Me: ‘Ted…’
 
Ted: ‘Ted sit down?’
 
Me: ‘Yes, Ted, sit down….and be quiet.’
 
***
 
Kid: ‘I no understand.’
 
I look at the book.
 
Me: ‘Ok, so do you go walking?’
 
Kid: ‘Yes.’
 
Me: ‘Does your friend go walking?’
 
Kid YELLS across entire classroom: ‘LUCAS DO YOU GO WALKING???!!’
 
Lucas: ‘Yes.’
 
Kid (to me) : ‘Yes.’
 
***
 
In same class as above: While at the whiteboard explaining something, a kid walked up to me, pulled his tooth out in front of me and spat it out into his hand with a bunch of blood…then tried to hand it to me…then dropped it on the floor…then walked away.
 
***
 
Submitted:

Me: ‘Suhyun, can you read the question please?’

Suhyun: ‘Are there any cucumbers in the music store?’

Me: ‘Really? Why would there be cucumbers in a music store?’

Suhyun (after looking more carefully at the book): ‘Are there any customers in the music store?’

Me: ‘Okay, that’s better. Steve, which answer matches this question?’

Steve: ‘Yes, there are some cucumbers in the music store.’

 

Find more quotes on The Wall  and Index or submit your own theketchupwar@gmail.com

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘His skin is bling bling?’ – New Quotes Added

It’s QUUUUOTEEEE FRIDDDAAAAY!! YAY!! Goodness, what a long week it’s been! Tuesday off school, today is party day where technically all I’m doing is ‘supervising’ a scavenger hunt. It’s been sunny all week with a trip to Costco and food and wine all purchased, a trip to The Avengers…clearly this week also marked payday. Have a good weekend everyone and look out for my post about the alcohol expo on Sunday…or Monday if I’m still hungover on Sunday.

First up: Recently my mother called me to A: tell me that she’s going to Barcelona for a weekend and B: ask could I send her my camera to borrow for her trip. Her having no camera reminded me of when her kitten ran away last year and she said this to me on the phone:

Mam: ‘Ohhhh if I had a camera, I’d take a picture of her and put it up in the newsagents…Oh wait, she’s not here. I can’t take a picture of her! Nevermind.’

***

Kid 1: Teacher, you have boyfriend?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid 2: ‘He Korean?’

Me: ‘No, he’s Canadian.’

Kid 1: ‘Ou Teacher! He is handsome? Like a singer? His skin is bling bling?’

Me: ‘Ha, yes, he is very handsome.’

Kid 2: ‘REALLY??’

Me: ‘Of course!’

Kid 1: ‘Ou, you are lucky girl!’

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, you boyfriend, he will you marry me, you, ok??’

***

Me: ‘What is your favorite holiday?’

Kid: ‘Sunday.’

Me: ‘Sunday’s not a holiday.’

Kid: ‘Yes, it is.’

Me: ‘The next question is, ‘When is it celebrated?’ How will you answer that?’

Kid: ‘Every Sunday.’

***

Me: ‘What’s the difference between a library and a bookstore?’

Kid: ‘The name.’

***

Submitted by Nicola:

I was on teaching practice teaching 6-7  year olds and the teacher I was working with got engaged. Another teacher prepared the class so when their teacher came in they yelled “congratulations!” and one little fella stands up and says ‘Yeah, congratulations on your enCAGEment!’
Teacher: ‘Did he just…?’
Me: ‘Yep.’
Pause.
Teacher: ‘Kind of appropriate, really.’

Later the same day, some older girls come in with a card for the teacher and ask ‘When did you find out?’

Teacher replies ‘I didn’t find out – I was ASKED!!!!’

***

Me: ‘Did you do your homework?’

Little boy: (very slowly) ‘Y…e….s….’

Me: ‘Let me see.’

Little boy: ‘No, no, I no homework.’

***

My class is falling asleep and not paying attention.

Me: ‘Who wants to read?’

Nothing.

Me: ‘Reading, number one, who wants to read it?’

Nothing.

Me: ‘I’ll give you a sticker.’

Every hand shoots up and one kids screams: ‘WAIT, what page are we on?!!!’

***

Me: (looking around the classroom) ‘Where’s my homework book?’

Kid: (without missing a beat) ‘I ate it!’

Me: ‘You did not.’

Kid: ‘No, really!’

I find it.

Me: ‘Here it is.’

Kid: ‘Yes….I…. (makes throwing up noise)…you’re welcome.’

***

Two boys are fighting in my class while I’m correcting homework. The previous class I’d introduced superlatives (big-bigger-biggest) to them.

Boy 1: ‘You no man. You pretty girl!’

Boy 2: ‘You ugly girl!’

Boy 1: ‘You ugliest girl!’

Boy 2: ‘You worst girl!’

Me: ‘BOYS!! The….THE WORST…THE UGLIEST…We learned this last week!’

***

Me: ‘Name an actor.’

Kid: ‘Megamind.’

***

In my Grade 3 class, I have a Grade 1 student who’s too advanced to be in any other class. She attended my Grade 2 classes when she was in Kindergarten.

Grade 1 little girl: ‘Teacher, my new name is Erica.’

Grade 3 little girl: ‘Like America????’

***

Me: ‘Who can make a sentence with ‘how much’ in it?’

Little boy (pointing at little girl next to him): ‘How much is it?’

***

I’m talking to one of my more advanced kids in class a little quicker than I speak to the other kids because she understands me.

Kid next to her: ‘Teacher, you speaking Netherlands??!’

***

Don’t forget, find more quotes on the Wall and every Friday.

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘Relax!!!’ – New Quotes Added

My students this week have been learning ‘writing’ and my good God, it’s been…well, interesting to say the least. See for yourself! (Some are more cute than funny so I thought I’d throw them up on the post anyway…)

Writing tasks always ALWAYS remind me of back when I used to teach Kindergarten and had to correct their weekly diaries. One kid (6 years old) wrote about how his mom liked ‘black cock’ and ‘was sad there was no black cock in the home’ so she went out ‘to get black cock’…Took me half the page to realise he’d just spelled ‘coke’ wrong.

So anywho, Happy Friday, here’s the quotes from this week:

One kid misunderstands (OR totally gets) the task:

Example:

‘When I was seven, I wanted to be a soccer player.

I practiced soccer and exercised a lot.

Now, I want to be a scientist.’

Kid’s Answer:

And then the entire class breaks into ‘I believe I can flyyyyyyy’.

One kid boycotts the writing task:

Meanwhile, another kid uses the writing task to make fun of me:

In another class, the kids were tasked with designing a new useful invention. The class was spilt into three boys and three girls. (Bare in mind, the two groups were sitting no where near each other!)

The girls’ entry:

And the boys’ entry:

Next, one of my students is tasked with writing about ‘Then and Now’:

FOOL!!

A cute written piece about fish by one of my favorite students:

My company teaches my student’s their ABCs in an unconventional way….Wouldn’t learning ‘A is for Apple’ be better? No?

Her father buys chocolate and WHAT???

And finally, courtesy of Alex Washko:

***

Not school related but a funny quote none the less: I threaten to kill The Canadian One with an umbrella…I can’t quite remember why but he most likely deserved it! His response:

‘You just fell off the bed, how are you gonna make a murder scene look like an accident?? People with fluffy hair like yours DON’T make murder scenes look like accidents.’

***

My grade two students are yelling for no apparent reason.

One little girl yells: ‘Relax!’ to the class.

The class stops momentarily to look at her and then yells again.

She stands up, ‘RELAX!!’

Everyone shuts up. New. Favorite. Student.

***

Me: ‘Ok, everyone write down what you want to be when you grow up?’

Kid puts his hand up.

Me: ‘Yes?’

Kid: ‘How do you spell legend?’

***

Kid 1: ‘I want to be a chef.’

Kid 2: ‘SHIT?!!’

Kid 1: ‘No, chef.’

Kid 2: ‘Ohhhh. Teacher, what’s shit?’

Kid 1 tells her in Korean what it is.

Kid 2: ‘Nevermind.’

***

Me: ‘What’s made of glass?’

Kid: ‘A smartphone screen.’

***

Kid 1: ‘Teacher, why are you smiling?’

Me: ‘I’m happy.’

Kid 1: ‘Why are you happy?’

Me: ‘Because after this class, I go home.’

Kid 2: ‘To Canada?’

Me: ‘I’m not from Canada.’

Kid 2: ‘Oh Iceland?’

Kid 3: ‘IRELAND. Teacher live IRELAND!!’

Me: ‘Yes, I do but I meant my home here. I’m not going back to Ireland after school.’

***

Kid 1: ‘A BEE!!!’ (pointing at a fly in the classroom)

Kid 2: ‘It’s no bee. It’s fly! It’s no summer!! No bee!’

Kid 1: ‘IT’S A BEE!!’

It wasn’t a bee.

***

Speaking of summer, I once taught a movie scriptwriting class to some teenage Italian students one year during summer school. While working on their scripts, one of the boys asked:

‘Teacher, Viagra in English is what?’

Me: ‘Viagra.’

‘Ahhh, good. How do you spell?’

Me: ‘Why?’

‘My story, baby eat the Viagra and become ninja and kill people.’

Pause

Me: ‘V-I-A-G-R-A.’

Another question, different kid, same class:

‘How do you spell transsexual?’

Unfortunately this conversation took place in the Teacher’s Room later:

Me: ‘Transsexual has just one ‘s’, right?’

Other Teacher: ‘No, two, why?’

Me: ‘Dammit!’

Other Teacher: ‘You spelled it wrong, didn’t you? You know the rules, teach it wrong, you gotta reteach it the next class!’

AND

‘I think priest make girl pregnant and she….um….what’s….no baby….um….oh, abortion!’ (in response to what happens next in the soap opera picture)

***

Little Grade One student who NEVER speaks in class. EVER. Suddenly, during a listening task he stands up, flaps his arms and screams:

‘STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP!!!’

I stop the CD and look over, worried he was in pain.

He takes out an eraser and starts erasing his worksheet. Turns out he suddenly, after two months, grasped what we were doing and realised instead of drawing on his worksheet he could actually fill it in, he just needed to erase his drawing first!

***

Kid 1: ‘Teacher, what’s 9 times 9?’

Me: ’81…Are you doing math homework during my class???’

***

Courtesy of April Lynn Amador and her Kindergarten students:

A little boy has his hands in his pants.

Teacher:  ‘Um, sweetheart, why is your hand in your pants?’

Pause

Little Boy: ‘I’ve got lots to play with!’

***

Got a funny kid’s quote, send it our way at theketchupwar@gmail.com and don’t forget, you can find more quotes on the wall and in the index.

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes random South Korea

‘She is like wi-fi!’ – New Quotes Added

Happy Quote Friday! A round-up of this week’s best kid’s quotes:

Courtesy of April Lynn Amador

One of our rules in class is ‘No (speaking) Korean’.

I explain tattling to the class and how it’s not allowed. 10 minutes later, a little boys is standing up and shouting at a little girl during gametime.

Me: ‘Sammy!!! Why are you yelling??!’

Sammy: ‘Teacheeeeer, Ginny Korean!!! You say, NO KOREAN!! And she, Korean….Teacheeeeer!!’

Me: ‘Ginny, stop speaking Korean to Sammy, it’s making him sad.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Same class as above:

Kid 1: ‘Teacher, Sammy….me….’ She makes a crazy motion with her hand.

Me: ‘Did he hit you?’

Kid 1: ‘No.’

Me: ‘Are you hurt in any way?’

Kid 1: ‘Umm, no…no. But teacher, he say me….’ She makes a crazy motion with her hand again.

Kid 2: ‘Ha, Sammy say you crazy?!! Hahahahahahahaha.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Little girl looks at little boy: ‘Oh teacher, his t-shirt, very sexy!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘Ok, today we need to do all of Unit 6 because we’re behind in the book.’

Kid: ‘Jump the unit!’

Me: ‘No!’

Kid: ‘No no, jump the unit. It’s ok. Shhhhh, secret. No tell.’

Me: ‘We can’t!’

Kid: ‘Jump the unit!! Shhhhhh! Secret!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘What’s your hobby?’

Kid: ‘I read a book.’

Kid 2: pointing at kid 1 ‘No, NO read a book!! Computer games!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘Do you play any sports?’

Kid 1: ‘No.’

Kid 2: ‘Computer games!’

Me: ‘Computer games is not a sport.’

Kid 2: ‘It’s a hand sport!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘What are you going to do on your birthday?’

Kid: ‘I will going to fire the cake.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Q: ‘What do you like about New Year?’

Kid’s Ans: ‘I eat dainty food.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Q: ‘She was in a hurry to make a sandwich and she cut herself with a knife. Give her some advice.’

Kid’s Ans: ‘She shouldn’t cut herself with a knife.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

A girl comes to class wearing inline skates. 10 minutes later, her friend arrives wearing inline skates too.

Girl 1: ‘OH, teacher, look inline skates!! I don’t know! Oh teacher, telepathy!!!’

Girl 2: ‘Yes, teacher, she is like wi-fi!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

While teaching, ‘I am……because I…….’

Kid: ‘I am amazing because I learned earsmurfs!’

Me: ‘What the….NO!!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The above, incidentally (and in case you can’t be bothered to click the link), is referring to this conversation from Monday and posted on Tuesday but in case you missed it:

I show my students a picture of ‘earmuffs’.

Me: ‘What is it?’

Kid 1: ‘Headphones…no…no wait a minute.’

Kid 2: ‘I don’t know.’

I write ‘earmuffs’ on the board.

Kid 3: ‘Earmuffins?’

Me: ‘Earmuffs.’

ALL: ‘Earmuffs.’

Kid 2: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘No no, earMUFFS.’

Kid 1: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘No, no…’

Kid 2: ‘I don’t like Smurfs. They’re blue and skin like a snail. And no clothes, Teacher. No clothes. Only hat and pants. Where do they poop???!! I don’t like them.’

Me: ‘Noooo, but they’re cute.’

Kid 2: ‘They are not cute. They are horrible. No clothes. I like Gargamel. He usually wears clothes.’

Kid 3: ‘I like his cat.’

Me: ‘Me too!’

Kid 2: ‘Teacher, it is disgusting. They have no clothes.’

Kid 1: ‘I like Pororo.’

Me: ‘He’s a penguin. He has no clothes.’

Kid 2: ‘But that’s ok. He’s cute. And when he take off his glasses and then, he’s more cute.’

Kid 3: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘EarMUFFS!!’

Kid 3: ‘Teacher, if you move ‘s’, it’s earsmuffs.’

Me: ‘What about the ‘r’?’

Kid 3: ‘No ‘r’.’

Me: ‘They’re SmuRfs not SMUFFS.’

Kid 3: ‘No, Smuffs.’

Me: ‘SMURFS!!’

Kid 3: ’You’re wrong!’

Me: ‘I AM NOT! Everybody, EARMUFFS.’

ALL: ‘EARSMURFS!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Kid: ‘What is it?’

Me: ‘A hoodie.’

Kid: ‘Why?’

Me: ‘Why is it called a hoodie? Because it has a hood, I guess.’

Kid: ‘No, really why??’

Me: ‘I think that’s why.’

Kid: ‘Ask Google!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

While teaching cause and effect:

Me: ‘Ok, the dinosaurs died, this is the effect. What’s the cause?’

One kid gasps.

Me: ‘It’s ok, it happened a long time ago. It’s not new.’

Kid: ‘Oh, ok.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

One of my youngest students looks sad, I go over to find out what’s happened.

Me: ‘What’s the matter?’

Kid next to him, trying to help too and repeating what he thinks I’ve said in a concerned tone: ‘Watermelon?’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

We studied animal for a while so the kids knew the answer to this question:

Me: ‘What’s my favorite animal?’

Kid 1: ‘Turtle!’

Me: ‘No, that’s number two. What’s my number one favorite animal?’

Kid 2: ‘BOYS!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor internet kids Korea quotes random South Korea timewasters websites

Tuesday Timewasters – 04/17

Yesterday, I get text from mam:

‘Are you ok? Are you at home? On Skype???’

I call her.

Mam: ‘Oh, I was just checking you were ok. I checked the Facebook and you’ve not been there all day. I looked. Nothing. I was just wondering if you were ok.’

I swear, I spend way to much time on the internet if my own mother is checking Facebook and deems no posts in 12 hours to signal death or serious injury on my part!

Anyway, on the subject of spending too much time on the internet, thanks to my school blocking all non-essential websites (yet not Facebook for some reason, go figure), this week’s timewasters is a short one!  

Happy Timewasting!!

First up, this week’s BEST headline:

 Source: The Northampton Chronicle and Echo

Covered by a wide range of news outlets (did nothing else happen this week??), the story centers around a hamster named Smurf and a Spiderman toy with a magnet. Smurf ate the magnet, climbed about in his cage and then the magnet, doing what magnets do, stuck him to the bars like a pizza menu to a fridge.

Hahahaha, could you imagine coming home you your pet dangling in midair…and then it all ending up on the news?! You can read all about his plight by Googling ‘Spiderman Hamster Magnet’ or by checking out the BBC Radio bit.

Speaking of The Smurfs, THIS conversation happened yesterday:

I show my students a picture of ‘earmuffs’.

Me: ‘What is it?’

Kid 1: ‘Headphones…no…no wait a minute.’

Kid 2: ‘I don’t know.’

I write ‘earmuffs’ on the board.

Kid 3: ‘Earmuffins?’

Me: ‘Earmuffs.’

ALL: ‘Earmuffs.’

Kid 2: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘No no, earMUFFS.’

Kid 1: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘No, no…’

Kid 2: ‘I don’t like Smurfs. They’re blue and skin like a snail. And no clothes, Teacher. No clothes. Only hat and pants. Where do they poop???!! I don’t like them.’

Me: ‘Noooo, but they’re cute.’

Kid 2: ‘They are not cute. They are horrible. No clothes. I like Gargamel. He usually wears clothes.’

Kid 3: ‘I like his cat.’

Me: ‘Me too!’

Kid 2: ‘Teacher, it is disgusting. They have no clothes.’

Kid 1: ‘I like Pororo.’

Me: ‘He’s a penguin. He has no clothes.’

Kid 2: ‘But that’s ok. He’s cute. And when he take off his glasses and then, he’s more cute.’

Kid 3: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘EarMUFFS!!’

Kid 3: ‘Teacher, if you move ‘s’, it’s earsmuffs.’

Me: ‘What about the ‘r’?’

Kid 3: ‘No ‘r’.’

Me: ‘They’re SmuRfs not SMUFFS.’

Kid 3: ‘No, Smuffs.’

Me: ‘SMURFS!!’

Kid 3: ‘You’re wrong!’

Me: ‘I AM NOT! Everybody, EARMUFFS.’

ALL: ‘EARSMURFS!!’

 

And finally, for your amusement, some food related funny pictures found in the land of the interwebbie this week:

 

 

 

 

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor random South Korea

‘Dino-Aliens! I KNEW IT!!’ – New Quotes Added

I’ve been teaching about the dinosaurs for, oh, about a month now since it appeared in our book as a (very long) unit. Our book has pretty much centered around the fact that either an asteroid and / or a volcano killed this dinosaurs. Some of my students think the dinosaurs just ate each other and others think they got cold and died. All completely valid thoughts. Not one of them questions their religious teachings of ‘God created Man. Dinosaurs just kinda…appeared…and then disappeared.’ Soooo many questions. Here’s what the book has to say on the matter:

Anyone else LOVE the look on the T-Rex’s face?

At home, I spend a lot of time asking The Canadian One questions that randomly pop into my head. I seem to have an obsession as to where the dinosaurs went and frequently ask the question ‘But WHERE did the dinosaurs go??’. I watched a TED Talk recently on how modern dinosaurs evolved into penguins (my favorite animal). If I can find it again, I’ll link it here.

So imagine my surprise this morning, when on my way to work, I read THIS possible-the-best-headline-ever on my iPhone:

Ohhhhh, FoxNews, how you entertain me

And then further research led to this from the day before:

NOW I have even more questions! Could you imagine a T-Rex operating a spaceship? With his teeny arms and giant head? OMG, somebody needs to make a movie about this!

In a related note, my favorite quote from the Fox article would be:

‘Asteroids have us in their sights. The dinosaurs didn’t have a space program, so they’re not here to talk about this problem. We are.’- Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Moving on.

Quote Friday is a short one today. There was a short school day Tuesday, no school Wednesday, and yesterday and today are both test days.  

I walk into class. A kid sits singing the ‘Jaws’ theme tune. I look at him.

Kid: ‘It’s The Zombie King!’

Me: ‘Did you just call me The Zombie King?’

Kid: ‘Yes.’ – without a hint of hesitation

Me: ‘Why?’

Kid: ‘Because you are THE ZOMBIE KING!!’

Me: ‘Ummm…’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Recently there’s been a spate of things going missing in my classroom and as a result, the present box has been moved.

Kid: ‘Where’s the present box?’

Me: ‘Hidden.’

Kid: ‘Where?’

Me: ‘Well, it wouldn’t be hidden if I told you, would it?’

I go to the bathroom and come back two minutes later.

Kid: ‘It’s under your desk.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

On my desk are stickers and candy. Kids get stickers if they earn points in class and on Fridays they occasionally get candy. A kid is early to class.

Kid: ‘Can I have a sticker?’

Me: ‘No.’

Kid: ‘I did my homework.’

Me: ‘Ok, sure, have a sticker.’

Kid: ‘Ok, can I trade you one sticker for one candy?’

Me: ‘What?’

Kid: ‘I give you one sticker, you give me one candy.’

Me: ‘You don’t want the sticker?’

Kid: ‘No, I don’t care about stickers. I want candy.’

Me: ‘Then why did you ask for a sticker?’

Kid: ‘To get candy.’

Me: ‘How about I give you a sticker AND a candy?’

Kid: ‘No, I’ll give you a sticker and you give me candy.’

Me: ‘Umm, sure, ok. But I don’t want the sticker back. Keep the sticker and just take some candy.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Kid: ‘Can I go to bathroom please?’

Kid 2: ‘Poop or pee?’

Kid: ‘HELP ME!’

Me: ‘Yes, you can go to the bathroom.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I walk into class. There’s a boy standing under the TV bracing himself for impact while a girl stands on the other side of the room, aiming a foam dice at him.

Me: ‘Ehhhh…’

Girl: ‘He hit me!!’

I look at the boy. He nods.

Me: ‘Ok, but you can’t throw the dice! You might hit the TV! Or my coffee!….Swap sides. Then you can throw the dice.’

The swap sides, the girl under the TV, the boy by the doors. In the best shot ever, she whacks him in the head with the dice.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

My grade two class, I hand out the 5 page test papers:

Me: ‘No talking during the test.’

Little girl looks really offended: ‘OF course!!’

Little boy flips through the test: ‘Oh teacher, my head is lazy!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

***Reader Submitted Dino-Pic***

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor random timewasters websites

Thursday Timewasters – 04/12

Texts From Dog

I’m adoring this new site!! ADORING it! I don’t have a dog, I’m more of a cat person, but if I did, I’d hope my dog was as cool as this one. Could you imagine what your pet would say if it could text you? I have two turtles, Gir and Zim (points for whoever can name the show they’re named after) and The Canadian One and I sometimes pretend they’re talking to each other. Their conversations mainly revolve around Zim, who’s constantly trying to escape, and Gir, who just sit on the rock and watches and their daily lives. Not interesting to outsiders but more interesting than watching TV sometimes. 🙂

Here are my Top 6 posts from Texts From Dog:

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor quotes

‘His name is ERIK!’ – Conversations with Mam

So this conversation happened:

My mam calls me up, I answer. She’s in Ireland at work and I’m at home in Korea just sitting about.

Mam: ‘Pick a number between 1 and 30.’

Me: ’14.’

My mam checks the horses for the next race and checks the name of number 14.

Mam: ‘Ou, Prince Eric. I was gonna pick that one after the penguin in Happy Feet.’

Me: ‘What? That wasn’t the penguin’s name!’

‘Yes it was! His name is Erik!’

Categories
Canada conversations funny humor random Uncategorized

‘But then how do you pay your strippers?!’ – Conversations with TCO Part 1

Recently, The Canadian One and I were having a conversation in which he pointed out that I say ridiculous things….ALL. THE. TIME. If I were on a reality TV show, I’d come off as the stupidest person in the world. Seriously. The amount of things I say, without thinking, are insane. For example:

Me: ‘God, you’re like that ten year old who outsmarted me last week!!’ (I don’t think any context is needed but it was said during the recent poker game featured here.)

Then he says, ‘You’re writing down all the things other people say, who’s writing down all the things YOU say?!’

So here, for your amusement, are some of the most ridiculous things I’ve said recently. I’m sure The Canadian One can add more…a lot more! These mainly focus on The Land of the Maple Leaf as we’ll be moving there and I’m learning all about it.

First up, The Canadian One and I discuss where to live in Canada: (Now, at this point, I’d just like to say I got straight A’s in Geography but unfortunately knowing how a river was formed, how coastal erosion happened and the difference between and stalagmite and a stalactite serves me no real purpose in the real world)

TCO: ‘If we move to Northern Canada, I’ll earn more money but it’s really REALLY cold.’

Me: ‘Why would it be more cold? Isn’t it closer to Hawaii?’

TCO: ‘What? Hawaii?’

Me: ‘Yeah, it’s like right next to Canada, right? Why would is be colder?’

TCO: ‘Hawaii’s an island in the middle of the ocean!!’

Me: ‘It’s not next to Canada? At the top?’

TCO: ‘That’s ALASKA!!!!’

Me: ‘Ahhhh, I always wondered why it never snows on Hawaii 5-O.’

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘If we go live in Calgary, can we go to the giant waterfall?’

TCO: ‘Niagara Falls? Sure. But it’s quite far away.’

Me: ‘Like a really long drive?’

TCO: ‘No, we’d have to fly there.’

Me: ‘Fly? Really? It’s that far?’

TCO: ‘You have no idea how big Canada is, do you?’

Me: ‘I really don’t think I do!’

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘What’s T-Dot?’

TCO: ‘Toronto.’

Me: ‘Can we move to T-Dot?’

TCO: ‘No. I have no family there. Or friends. Or job. Why do you wanna move to Toronto?’

Me: ‘So I can say I live in T-DOT!!’

TCO: ‘No. You’ll just have to tell people you live in Cow-Town.’

Me: ‘Cow-Town? There are cows? In Calgary?’

TCO: ‘Yes. Lots.’

Me: ‘Can I get a cowboy hat?’

____________________________________________________________________________________________

And finally: TCO quizzes me on my knowledge so far.

TCO: ‘What’s a loonie?’

Me: ‘A dollar coin.’

TCO: ‘Good. What’s a toonie?’

Me: ‘A two dollar coin.’

TCO: ‘Very good.’

Me: ‘You guys don’t have paper dollars?’

TCO: ‘No. We have one dollar and two dollar coins and then 5 dollar bills.’

Pause.

Me: ‘But then how do you pay your strippers?!’

For more posts, check out:

Categories
Canada conversations funny humor random Uncategorized

‘But then how do you pay your strippers?!’ – Conversations with TCO Part 1

Recently, The Canadian One and I were having a conversation in which he pointed out that I say ridiculous things….ALL. THE. TIME. If I were on a reality TV show, I’d come off as the stupidest person in the world. Seriously. The amount of things I say, without thinking, are insane. For example:

Me: ‘God, you’re like that ten year old who outsmarted me last week!!’ (I don’t think any context is needed but it was said during the recent poker game featured here.)

Then he says, ‘You’re writing down all the things other people say, who’s writing down all the things YOU say?!’

So here, for your amusement, are some of the most ridiculous things I’ve said recently. I’m sure The Canadian One can add more…a lot more! These mainly focus on The Land of the Maple Leaf as we’ll be moving there and I’m learning all about it.

First up, The Canadian One and I discuss where to live in Canada: (Now, at this point, I’d just like to say I got straight A’s in Geography but unfortunately knowing how a river was formed, how coastal erosion happened and the difference between and stalagmite and a stalactite serves me no real purpose in the real world)

TCO: ‘If we move to Northern Canada, I’ll earn more money but it’s really REALLY cold.’

Me: ‘Why would it be more cold? Isn’t it closer to Hawaii?’

TCO: ‘What? Hawaii?’

Me: ‘Yeah, it’s like right next to Canada, right? Why would is be colder?’

TCO: ‘Hawaii’s an island in the middle of the ocean!!’

Me: ‘It’s not next to Canada? At the top?’

TCO: ‘That’s ALASKA!!!!’

Me: ‘Ahhhh, I always wondered why it never snows on Hawaii 5-O.’

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Me: ‘If we go live in Calgary, can we go to the giant waterfall?’

TCO: ‘Niagara Falls? Sure. But it’s quite far away.’

Me: ‘Like a really long drive?’

TCO: ‘No, we’d have to fly there.’

Me: ‘Fly? Really? It’s that far?’

TCO: ‘You have no idea how big Canada is, do you?’

Me: ‘I really don’t think I do!’

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Me: ‘What’s T-Dot?’

TCO: ‘Toronto.’

Me: ‘Can we move to T-Dot?’

TCO: ‘No. I have no family there. Or friends. Or job. Why do you wanna move to Toronto?’

Me: ‘So I can say I live in T-DOT!!’

TCO: ‘No. You’ll just have to tell people you live in Cow-Town.’

Me: ‘Cow-Town? There are cows? In Calgary?’

TCO: ‘Yes. Lots.’

Me: ‘Can I get a cowboy hat?’

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And finally: TCO quizzes me on my knowledge so far.

TCO: ‘What’s a loonie?’

Me: ‘A dollar coin.’

TCO: ‘Good. What’s a toonie?’

Me: ‘A two dollar coin.’

TCO: ‘Very good.’

Me: ‘You guys don’t have paper dollars?’

TCO: ‘No. We have one dollar and two dollar coins and then 5 dollar bills.’

Pause.

Me: ‘But then how do you pay your strippers?!’

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