‘I did NOT break the coffee machine!’

When The Canadian One and I moved in together, my mother sent him a Facebook message warning him to get insurance for his personal possessions. Now, why, I can hear you wonder, why would my mother do this? Well, let me explain.

I don’t exactly have the best history in the world with not breaking things. Things just break when they’re around me. It’s like my gravitational pull causes inanimate objects to self-destruct.

Take anything nice my mother ever owned and there’s a 98% chance it was broken by me. Not on purpose, just from me being in the general vicinity of it. Her Yankee Candle candle holder bought in New York, fell off the microwave and smashed on the tiles when I opened the microwave door.

Crystal glasses, mysteriously self-combusted.

The washing machine, a coin inside it (we’re not 100% sure that was me but in all probability, it was).

My car I owned less than a week, scratches all over one door from me misjudging the distance between the car itself and the pillar in the driveway.

Every cell-phone, cd player, laptop, iPod, I’ve ever owned. Even my mini-fridge spontaneously started spouting smoked one afternoon.

Umbrellas, mugs, bowls, plates, a turtle tank (seriously), a grill, a TV (perhaps two), several of my own teeth, my leg, a laptop fan, all the DVD players, my God the list could go on and on.

My blender, my suitcase, shelves, a desk, Christmas ornaments (too many to count), the window in my mother’s porch.

All of which brings me to this morning. The Canadian One and I drink a lot of coffee. But while he owns a fancy espresso maker to make his morning lattes, I own a less fancy, more self-preserving / cheap to replace type of device in which to make my coffee with:

The Canadian One’s Coffee Maker

My coffee maker

Due to laziness, and my fear of breaking my co-habiter’s second favorite possession, I tend to avoid the making of the fancy lattes. Instead, on weekends, The Canadian One makes me a fancy lattes, while I’m still lying in bed, at 2pm in the daytime. This morning, however, he had to leave early to meet the British One we played poker with last weekend, leaving me alone with the fancy espresso maker.

And so I set about making my own fancy latte.

Step one: Put coffee into round thingy being very careful not to overfill it as I fear this may not end well. – Done, with very few issues.

Step two: Attach round thingy (with handle) to espresso maker making sure it’s lined up perfectly. – Done. After a bit of huffing and puffing, it locked in nicely. I honestly think I need to join a gym if the coffee maker causes me to question my strength.

Step three: Preheat coffee maker. – Preheating, preheating, come on green light, greeeeeeen light, why is there water coming out, WHAT, where the water coming from, where is the GREEN LIGHT??

Step four: Green light! Put silver small cup thingy under coffee spout, turn coffee maker to ‘coffee maker’ symbol. – WTF, WHERE IS THE WATER COMING FROM, what’s going on, S*&T, I broke the coffee maker, OH GOD, The Canadian One is going to KILL me, where’s my phone??

I grab my phone and naturally, as you do in an emergency, I make a video of what’s going on. If YouTube has taught me anything, it’s to video everything.

Video made, sent and confirmation received that this is not normal.

I panic. I jump on Google, the next clear logical step in any emergency situation.

What’s the coffee maker’s name?

Crap! Back into the kitchen. Information acquired. Back to Google.

Initially I started out Googling words like ‘coffee maker water why coming out’ and ‘coffee maker delonghi water comes out when making coffee‘, etc until it dawned on me maybe it was supposed to do that. Afterall, the ‘make coffee’ symbol shared it’s button with a ‘tap pouring water’ symbol, so maybe, just maybe, it was doing what it was supposed to be doing and I had done something to trigger this. Maybe this actually was my fault.

Then I came up with the perfect phrase to Google:

How to make hot water using a Delonghi coffee maker

Google directed me to the Delonghi website. I read the very exact instructions with pictures of how to make hot water and I set about doing the complete opposite. The coffee maker stopped producing hot water and I literally did a happy dance in the kitchen. It’s moments like that, that I’m glad our neighbors can’t see into our kitchen. 17:42 on a Saturday afternoon and the western girl who co-habits unmarried with a western boy was dancing around her kitchen in her pajamas. It would give them something to talk about later though.

Now, I’ve never got to say this and actually mean it so here it goes: I DID NOT break the coffee machine. Hurray!

Although it’s worth noting, less than 10 minutes earlier, I did break our last wine glass (in a set of four originally) while doing the dishes, read: looking for a cup to clean and drink the fancy latte from…so maybe that should read ‘I did not break the coffee machine…yet.’ I also sense the guitars and the new giant TV are in danger and as for the turtles we own, well, I’m positive they fear for their lives each and every day.

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16 thoughts on “‘I did NOT break the coffee machine!’

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