Categories
comedy entertainment food funny humor internet timewasters

Typhoon Timewasters – Top 10 10s – 08/28

The MODIS instrument on board NASA's Terra sat...

With the day off school today to await the imminent arrival of Typhoon Bolaven, I’ve redubbed today’s post Typhoon Timewasters!

Happy Timewasting!

To help you while away your time indoors during the storm, we here at TKW have compiled a list of the best of the AllTime10s. With all videos coming in at under 3 minutes long, they’re the perfect way to waste at least 30 minutes and perhaps learn something that you never thought you needed to know.

1. Top 10 Most Useless Body Parts

Covering such uselessness as wisdom teeth, male nipples and why some people can wiggle their ears and I some people can’t.

***

2. Top 10 Everyday NASA Inventions

Did you know the substance used to make invisible braces was originally used by NASA to protect infrared detectors? No, me neither!

***

3. Top 10 Craziest Ice-Cream Flavors

Bacon? Not that weird. Fried Chicken Wings? A little weirder. Breast milk? Ummm…..ooookkkkk. Viagra? WTF?

For more, check out The Food Network’s list.

***

4. Top 10 Dumbest Criminals

Take the story of Krystian Bala, who’s 2003 book ‘Amok’ detailed a gristly murder of a Polish businessman. Noticing the eery similarities between the book’s plot and a murder from 2000 of the same nature, Chief Inspector Jack Wroblewski arrested Bala who’s currently serving 25 years for the murder. In my writing class I was always taught to write what you know but…well….

***

5. Top 10 Bizarre Business Ideas That Made Millions

From toilet training kits for your cat to a website that faciliates peole in relationships to have affairs to…well, number three on the list…this list just goes to show, there’s no such thing as a stupid idea an idea that can’t make money.

***

6. Top 10 Illegal Baby Names

I once had a co-teacher name one of my students Lucifer. He was the sweetest kid in the world and was only maybe 7 years old when he joined my class but still, I couldn’t help scrunching up my face everytime I had to say or write his name. It’s worth noting, since some of the older kids get to give themselves an English name I’ve had kids named ‘Pencil’, ‘Lightnening’, ‘Apple’, ‘ChocoPie’, ‘Carrot’ who changed her name to ‘Ninja’, the list goes on. The only time I’ve ever refused to let a kid name himself something was when one of my worst student tried to change his name to ‘Smart’, all the other kids complained it was a lie and he got outvoted.

***

7. Top 10 Ill-Advised Publicity Stunts

From the US Department of Defence causing widespread public panic and Snapple’s failed world record attempt which resulted in kiwi-strawberry liquid flooding the streets of Manhattan, this list is one of my

***

8. Top 10 Accidental Discoveries

Obviously Viagra is on the list but chocolate chip cookies and Play-Doh? Proving some accidents are totally awesome.

***

9. Top 10 Suprising Facts About Google

Google have their own dinosaur! Their own DINO-SAUR!! His name is Stan. Stan the Dinosaur.

***

10. Top 10 Things That Make You A 90’s Kid

(Sorry, Canadian One, but this ME!!! This is you….) Tamagotchis, Power Rangers and ‘In West Philadelphia born and raised….’

***

There are literally hundreds more on their channel so it was hard to just list 10…this may be renamed Part One at some point. Notable mentions: Top 10 Unusual Mating Rituals, Top 10 Greatest Con Artists and Top 10 Lesser Known Natural Wonders.

Still got time to waste? For more Timewasters, check out:

Categories
comedy funny humor internet random timewasters websites

Tuesday Timewasters – 08/14

I’m 28 years old so naturally a lot of my friends are currently popping out babies. Or their wives are. Or their girlfriends. Or their sisters / sisters-in-law / that girl their brother met at a club once and knocked up. Now, while its nice that my friends all have cute tiny humans in their lives and given that I live so far away, I do enjoy seeing a photo or two of them every so often.

Note: A photo OR two. Or three.

Not ten.

Not twenty.

Not entire albums dedicated to the tiny human doing nothing interesting but sitting there…and around picture 47, it’s wearing a hat. Oh my God, it’s wearing a hat. Let’s start a new album.

No.

No.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do like seeing pictures of babies but somewhere between picture 24 of baby sitting and picture 26 of baby sitting-but-leaning-slightly-to-the-left, I grow bored.

Cute pictures of baby covered in food? Ok.

Nineteen pictures of baby covered in food from every angle like a crazed paparazzi? No. Just…No.

Baby smiling? Yes. Twenty-eight photos leading up to baby smiling where baby does NOTHING? No.

Of course, you can’t write to your friends and tell them 10 photos of their baby is probably enough for one day, and so enter Unbaby.Me.

A GENIUS extension for Crome which takes the baby right outta your Facebook newsfeed and replaces it with something far cooler. Like cars or dogs or kites if you’re into that kinda thing.

The best thing about this extension is it’s fully customizable. Get rid of cats, replace them with pictures of George Clooney. Get rid of pictures of your friend’s new car, replace them with pictures of snow. Far more interesting.

By changing the keywords the extension is searching your newsfeed page for, you can pretty much rid your newsfeed of anything cute / annoying / pointless /cats with quotes…WHY are there so many cats with quotes??! You can also change the websites the program gets its replacement images from making your newsfeed a much happier place to be.

Of course, once I have my own tiny human, I shall make albums upon albums upon albums of it doing absolutely nothing…and when that time comes, you’ll all be happy I wrote about this invention and you’ll with thank me and send me flowers.

***

In other, unrelated news but equally worth timewasting upon:

1. Did you know the United States makes up countries? MAKES UP COUNTRIES. Countries such as ‘The People’s Republic of Pineland’, ‘Attica’ and ‘Atropia’. No, seriously.

2. Chinese subtitles for the bootlegged DVD of the The Avengers are just AWESOME.

Suggestions for The Hulk sequel titles don’t go over too well with it’s main star

And finally:

SPHERO. A robot ball you control with your iPhone or iPad. Needless to say, it’s become imperative that I own this device as soon as possible.

Here’s Sphero being shot with a shotgun:

And here’s a slightly longer review for those who have time and are as obsessed as me:

Still got time to waste? For more Timewasters, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters websites

Tuesday Timewasters – 07/03

Ah July, signalling the start of rainy season here in Korea, the impending doom of summer camp classes which to this day I really don’t see the point in and my birthday, the best thing about the summer. Soon my Tuesdays will be no longer filled with breaks but rather with pointless Art / Science / English Play / Whatever else pointless class my company think up for me to teach.

But for now, Tuesday Timewasters is still a go-go so HAPPY TIMEWASTING!!

First up, some riddles:

1. What is a word made up of 4 letters, yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.

2. This appeared in my ESL book once. What is the first letter of this sequence? (And it’s not ‘E’)

__  T  T  F  F

 S  S  E  N  T

 E  T  T  F  F

 S  S  E  N  T

***

Moving on!

I wanna ride in this:

(source)

***

The Canadian One sent me this fantastic find!  

***

And speaking of The Canadian One, in honor of Canada Day just passed:

***

I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

***

(as featured on threadless.com)

***

A sign The Canadian One and I saw on our jaunt to Cheonan recently. Not funny in the US. WAAAAAY funny in Korea! No idea why!

***

And finally I leave you with something that’ll make you go, DOH!!

For more Timewasters, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters websites

Tuesday Timewasters – 06/26

Soooo you may remember in one of my very first Tuesday Timewasters, I wrote about a website called The Doghouse Diaries. Wellllll, when I first wrote about them, they were small with not many comics online but NOW, now after a few months, they have lots….so many in fact that choosing my top 5 10 15was a difficult task. But alas, you’ll be happy to know, I managed it.

Happy Timewasting!

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

For more Timewasters, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet Korea random South Korea timewasters websites

Tuesday Timewasters: The Viral Edition – 06/19

Ohhhhh Facebook, you are the BIGGEST timewaster in my life currently!! THE BIGGEST!

Although, thanks to Facebook, in the past few weeks a lot of things have appeared in my interwebosphere…that’s a word, right?!…No??

Oh well, here’s a selection of my favorites anyway:

Happy Timewasting!

First up, ohhhhhh MBC MBC MBC, what a silly little mess you’ve managed to create for yourself here in The Land of The Morning Calm…or rather not-so-calm in your case. A video that spawned a Facebook group that garnered over 8,000 members within the first week or so of it’s inception and a public…eh…statement by the TV channel that broadcast it. It’s been dubbed ‘racist’, ‘xenophobic’ and ‘demeaning to both foreigners and Korean women’ but you should, of course, check it out for yourself and form your own opinion.

The Shocking Reality About Relationships with Foreigners (in Korea)

For anyone wanting to read the transcript of the video, Zackary Downey has very helpfully posted a full script and subtitled version here.

The only good thing to come out of this whole mess and uproar is the pictures of the happy multicultural couples appearing all over the web. They just make you wanna say ‘Awwwwww’.

Next up, another Korean video and I dare you to get in touch with your juvenile side and make it through the entire video without a giggle…or two….or three. (If watching at work, headphones are your friend)

Now, for my favorite site of the week, kikinitinkorea and oh my good God, if you’ve ever lived in Korea YOU. WILL. LOVE. THIS.

My top two posts from the site are these two and trust me when I say, it was hard to choose just these two:

Crossing the street in Korea

Trying to blend in as the only foreigner in my Kpop dance class

Just to note, the site is based on another site called whatshouldwecallme, my favorite two of that site, adapted to suit me, are:

How I wake The Canadian One up: 

When people ask me if teaching crazy kids in Korea will drive me to alcohol:

I’m like:


And now moving on to a word from Henry Rollins:

Aaaaaaand finally, a site that I read about in The New York Times yesterday and CNN this morning and dedicated to anyone living in Korea and who does the happy dance whenever it’s Bibimbap Day!

Now, personally, I don’t eat lunch at my school. I bring my own. Our lunches tend to consist of spicy soup, a mystery stew containing both octopus/fish/squid AND beef/chicken, plain rice and sometimes a piece of fruit. I was told by my company that I ‘must eat lunch at the school in order to seem like I’m trying to assimilate into Korean culture‘. NO mention of me living here for the three years prior to me starting there nor the fact that I’m not a newbie and I know which Korean foods I DON’T like. It lasted all of four days before I opted to risk being fired over having to eat plain rice for lunch each day and being stared at in the canteen for being the only foreigner. On day four when the questioning, translated through my co-worker, of ‘You don’t like Korean food?’, ‘Oh, you’re not hungry?’ and ‘Here try it, you’ll like it’ started, I bailed.

On that note, have you heard about Martha Payne? Well, this little Scottish 9 year old is taking the world by storm. Unhappy with the state of her school lunches, she decided to start a blog, Never Seconds, about it. She started taking a picture of her lunch everyday and posting them online. She rates the lunches based on her own ‘Food-O-Meter’ scale and the site has generated worldwide attention with over 5,800,000 views in just 7 short weeks. SEVEN. SHORT. WEEKS.

Last Thursday, the council unfortunately decided to ban Martha’s camera from her school thus signalling the end of her blog. Martha posted a ‘Goodbye’ message to her fans and that was it…until 24 hours later when the council leader, responding to worldwide public outcry including statements from celebrity chefs Nick Nairn and Jamie Oliver, overturned the senior officials’ order and Martha’s blog shall resume normal business on Monday…with the time difference, she’s probably still at school right now.

Martha is also using the blog to raise money for Mary’s Meals, a charity which sets up school feeding programmes for children in some of the poorest countries in the world. Initially aiming to raise £7,000, Martha’s JustGiving page records that she’s currently made £83,479.46 for the charity!

What do / did YOU think of your school lunch? Lemme know in the comments.

For more Timewasters, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters

Thursday Timewasters – I can’t say Canada correctly – 05/03

Pretty much sums up my thoughts on Internet Explorer when I’m forced to use it for my internet banking!

I know what you’re thinking: This week’s second round of Timewasters?? (the first being here) Timewasters on a Thursday, what? I know! I’ve got a random three hour break at work and a computer in my classroom, what can I do?!

So, this week, The Canadian One and I discovered I can’t say the word ‘Canada’ correctly. Well, I can. I mean, I have the ability to, I just can’t say it naturally which both The Canadian One and I realised last night when I said ‘Canaidia’s Got Talent’.

Ummm, what?

Turns out, I (very easily it would seem) get confused by Canada / Canadian. No idea why. I guess it’s the same reason I can’t say the word Tarantula (Me: ‘Tralantua’) or burglar (Me: ‘Burglalar’) or Sorry (Me: ‘I’m right, you’re wrong, why are you denying it??’)

Often, The Canadian One has to use a bit of logic when it comes to me. Take for instance, Tuesday’s market trip which featured ‘flat cheese’ on the list.

Him: ‘Flat cheese? Do you mean sliced cheese? Is that an Irish thing or a…YOU thing?…I’m sending this to your mother.’

And he did. Hours later (when she woke up due to the time difference), she phoned to make fun of me and proclaim she NEVER taught me sliced cheese was called ‘flat cheese’. Never ever.

Moving on.

Here, in no particular order, are my favorite random pictures from around the web this week:

Ok, I’m stuck on the last one, anyone wanna email me and tell me what it is?!
I feel I’m one more three hour break away from making this

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters websites

Tuesday Timewasters – 04/24

***To avoid any confusion: Links are now underlined and no longer appear in blue. This message has been sponsored by ketchup and tomatoes everywhere.*** 

Soooo Timewasters are a little late today due to a trip to Korean immigration to renew my Korean visa and a long, lengthy and, as usual, stressful trip to the post office…and then I watched a movie.

In case anyone cares, Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows – good.

BBC TV show Sherlock Holmes – better…just sayin’.

Moving on.

Up first we have my favorite thing forwarded to me this week.

Turns out, the TV channel TNT installed a BIG RED PUSH BUTTON BUTTON on an average town square in what looks like an in-need-of-an-injection-of-drama town to advertise their Belgian TV channel launch. In what’s possibly the best intentional twist of marketing ever, a sign next to it invited people to ‘Push to add drama’. I watched it twice then made The Canadian One watch it with me. Trust me when I tell you YOU WANT TO SEE THIS!

Next, we have the 9 Strangest Things Found While Searching For Waldo…or Wally as we like to call him in my part of the world. I mean, the part of the world I am from, not where I live…No writing to me on Facebook telling me I’m mistaken please.

This one is my favorite and destroys all innocence I associate with finding Wally.

A Man About to Be Raped By a Mountain Lion in “Fun and Games in Ancient Rome, Find Waldo Now”

Check out the link for the other eight.

Next, The Most Persistent Flirter on Facebook.

Now, The Canadian One and I started to get to know each other better via this particular social site after we’d met in real life after being introduced at a dinner party by The British Friend…more on that another time. I lived two hours from him so we spent a lot of time texting, calling, Skyping and stalking talking to each other on Facebook. But this guy…this ‘Most Persistent Flirter on Facebook’, fair play for trying dude, not giving up but the line is behind you buddy, you crossed it a while back and you’re never gonna get a date with that girl. But hey, at least you’re now famous on the internet! Cloud – Lining – YAY!

Oh God and in unrelated news, I read THIS this week and thought yep, most of those sum up me.

I can safely say 2, 4, 6, and 12 are me…and possibly 3…and only that ONCE 9….but I didn’t ‘YELL’…The music was loud so I raised my voice. What? Don’t look at me like that!

Speaking of drinking, The Canadian One and I were in our local bar recently where they play music videos on a big projector screen in the center of the bar. Now, I don’t know how many of you have heard / seen this song before but it’s, well, I felt slightly violated afterwards and immediately whipped out my iPhone to Google it.

I’m warning you NOW (so people don’t write to me) DO NOT, I REPEAT,  DO NOT WATCH AT WORK…OR WITH KIDS NEARBY!

Made by ‘Duck Sauce’, the people who also brought you the massively popular song ‘Barbra Streisand’, the DJ duo are now accused of celebrated for making one of the most shocking videos of last year. Check it out!!

But repeat with me: NOT. AT. WORK.

Two more things before I go, this is totally what I’m dressing up as this year for Halloween:

Uh huh, that’s right. Officially licensed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Sexy Dresses. Officially licensed!! Although headbands and weapons not included but I can get over that.

NOW to think of which turtle I’d like to be. If you want your own, you can go HERE for TMNT ones and HERE for Power Rangers ones. I kid you not people of the interwebbie. Power Rangers. I. Kid. You. Not.

And lastly, IF you’re going out this weekend, please read this helpful PSA to avoid the risk of sexual assault!

Have a good week and Happy Timewasting. Don’t forget, you got any Timewasters to share, send them along to the email theketchupwar@gmail.com or check out previous week’s Timewasters if you really wanna waste some time discover something awesome in the index.

 

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor internet kids Korea quotes random South Korea timewasters websites

Tuesday Timewasters – 04/17

Yesterday, I get text from mam:

‘Are you ok? Are you at home? On Skype???’

I call her.

Mam: ‘Oh, I was just checking you were ok. I checked the Facebook and you’ve not been there all day. I looked. Nothing. I was just wondering if you were ok.’

I swear, I spend way to much time on the internet if my own mother is checking Facebook and deems no posts in 12 hours to signal death or serious injury on my part!

Anyway, on the subject of spending too much time on the internet, thanks to my school blocking all non-essential websites (yet not Facebook for some reason, go figure), this week’s timewasters is a short one!  

Happy Timewasting!!

First up, this week’s BEST headline:

 Source: The Northampton Chronicle and Echo

Covered by a wide range of news outlets (did nothing else happen this week??), the story centers around a hamster named Smurf and a Spiderman toy with a magnet. Smurf ate the magnet, climbed about in his cage and then the magnet, doing what magnets do, stuck him to the bars like a pizza menu to a fridge.

Hahahaha, could you imagine coming home you your pet dangling in midair…and then it all ending up on the news?! You can read all about his plight by Googling ‘Spiderman Hamster Magnet’ or by checking out the BBC Radio bit.

Speaking of The Smurfs, THIS conversation happened yesterday:

I show my students a picture of ‘earmuffs’.

Me: ‘What is it?’

Kid 1: ‘Headphones…no…no wait a minute.’

Kid 2: ‘I don’t know.’

I write ‘earmuffs’ on the board.

Kid 3: ‘Earmuffins?’

Me: ‘Earmuffs.’

ALL: ‘Earmuffs.’

Kid 2: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘No no, earMUFFS.’

Kid 1: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘No, no…’

Kid 2: ‘I don’t like Smurfs. They’re blue and skin like a snail. And no clothes, Teacher. No clothes. Only hat and pants. Where do they poop???!! I don’t like them.’

Me: ‘Noooo, but they’re cute.’

Kid 2: ‘They are not cute. They are horrible. No clothes. I like Gargamel. He usually wears clothes.’

Kid 3: ‘I like his cat.’

Me: ‘Me too!’

Kid 2: ‘Teacher, it is disgusting. They have no clothes.’

Kid 1: ‘I like Pororo.’

Me: ‘He’s a penguin. He has no clothes.’

Kid 2: ‘But that’s ok. He’s cute. And when he take off his glasses and then, he’s more cute.’

Kid 3: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘EarMUFFS!!’

Kid 3: ‘Teacher, if you move ‘s’, it’s earsmuffs.’

Me: ‘What about the ‘r’?’

Kid 3: ‘No ‘r’.’

Me: ‘They’re SmuRfs not SMUFFS.’

Kid 3: ‘No, Smuffs.’

Me: ‘SMURFS!!’

Kid 3: ‘You’re wrong!’

Me: ‘I AM NOT! Everybody, EARMUFFS.’

ALL: ‘EARSMURFS!!’

 

And finally, for your amusement, some food related funny pictures found in the land of the interwebbie this week:

 

 

 

 

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor random timewasters websites

Thursday Timewasters – 04/12

Texts From Dog

I’m adoring this new site!! ADORING it! I don’t have a dog, I’m more of a cat person, but if I did, I’d hope my dog was as cool as this one. Could you imagine what your pet would say if it could text you? I have two turtles, Gir and Zim (points for whoever can name the show they’re named after) and The Canadian One and I sometimes pretend they’re talking to each other. Their conversations mainly revolve around Zim, who’s constantly trying to escape, and Gir, who just sit on the rock and watches and their daily lives. Not interesting to outsiders but more interesting than watching TV sometimes. 🙂

Here are my Top 6 posts from Texts From Dog:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters websites

‘Dear Internet, Stop being so distracting…’ – Tuesday Timewasters

There’s a website that I’m addicted to called ‘Dear Blank, Please Blank‘ – Be warned, once you check out this site, the next hour of your life is gone! Here are my top 15 submissions on the site and, in case you’re wondering, yes, yes I do totally hope life in Canada is exactly like the Canadian note.

Happy Timewasting!

Categories
entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters Uncategorized websites

‘Dude, where’s my pic?!’

Hello, I’m Jenny and I’m a Draw Somethingaholic. I honestly think I say ‘Did you get my pic?’, ‘Did you see my pic?’, ‘WHERE’S MY NEW PIC?!’ more than I say ‘I love you’ to The Canadian One recently.

It all started about a week ago when a friend called to say ‘You gotta download this app, it’s called Draw Something’. Ok, that’s not why she called but it is the main thing I remember from the conversation. Next morning, on the train, I download the app. Instantly I get a text from The Canadian One: ‘You downloaded an app?’. Ohhhhh yeah, we share an iTunes account so we each get messages whenever the other downloads something. (It was a credit-card-can-only-be-used-with-one-account-situtation that meant one iTunes account for the both of us.) I quickly work out that I need an opponant, this is not a one-player game, and within minutes, The Canadian One has ‘Draw Something’ too.

And so it starts….