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comedy entertainment funny humor timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters: 29 Best Tweets from Lawrence PD's Twitter Account

Sometime last year, I became obsessed with the Lawrence PD Twitter account. Someone in my feed reposted something of theirs and in typical fashion on a 1 hour bus ride, I went down a rabbit hole of reading ALL. THEIR. TWEETS.

Things I know about them:

They have two dogs: Cheeseburger….

…And Deuce:

Cheeseburger is more popular though. It causes….problems….

They encourage people not to crime.

And encourage people to help them solve crimes – both were found. #yaytwitter

They also give helpful life tips:

Here are some more of my favorites:

This same Tweet-a-long went a little off topic for a bit:

Officer Inman’s mom also made a appearance and later cupcakes did indeed arrive at the station!

If you want more, I highly recommend this thread:

Thanks Lawrence PD, for both keeping the residences of Lawrence safe and everyone else amusing.

Post more Cheeseburger.

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comedy entertainment funny humor internet random

Tuesday Timewasters – 04/17

We’re back with a weekly roundup of five awesome timewasters for you to avoid doing anything productive today!
Sorry not sorry.
Happy Timewasting!

  1. 10 Honey Recipes For Every Occasion – Buzzfeed

One can never have too many honey recipes. Although, if anyone has any hints on how to stop my honey hardening, requiring a soak in hot water and then…well, it explodes.
Ugh. Honey on the floor.
Why?
(Bonus points for the awesome URL with this one! ‘those donuts tho’!)

2. Periodic Table of Condiments That Periodically Go Bad.

It’s exactly that.
EXACTLY. THAT.

3. Magnets and Marbles

Still from Magnets and Marbles

*Rabbit Hole Alert*
Ok, so this I became every so slightly obsessed with one day and wasted a lot of data on my phone watching You Tube videos of magical magnetic marbles doing their own version of Rube Goldberg Machines.

4. …I am genuinely unsure how to describe this….

Safe for work.
Also don’t sit too close to the screen.
I warned you.
Yep.

5. 12 Weird Things The Have Washed Ashore – Mental Floss

God, I wish I was there the day they found the life-sized E.T.. Could you imagine?
(I had trouble typing that sentence as I was laughing so much!)

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comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – The TruthFacts Edition – 06/17

Aaaaand we’re back with an all new Tuesday Timewasters! Woo hoo! A weekly round up of the awesome, weird and wonderful world of the Interwebbie.

First up, and a site I have become increasingly obsessed with checking out on my way to work in the morning, is Truthfacts!

Correct responses to your girlfriend's question When do you discover spelling errors in an email Ingredients in a successfull chicken:bacon sandwich
Wasting Time How to utilize hashtags on Facebook Statistics about Statistics Stone's Throw Most difficult things to complete

What Smoke Detectors Warn You Of Statistics Blame the heterosexuals Varying levels of entertainment value When electronics don't work Know the difference between various fruits When you want to hear a song on YouTube

What helicopters do in movies

Remember all media here belongs to TruthFacts. Head over there and check them out for more awesomeness!

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comedy funny humor timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – 05/28

Tuesday Timewasters: A Collection of the Random Things I found on the Web this week! 
(As usual, if you are the owner of a picture below, shoot us an email so we can link you / credit you / bow down to the genius and humor-glory you have bestowed upon us)

A collection of random Pinterest finds!

awesome shoes

This would be SOOOOOOO annoying! AND equally SOOOOOOO much fun to watch!

presents

khakis

not my job

And finally, some awesome notes for you to peruse:

notes take 2 notes take 1 notes 3

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comedy funny humor timewasters

Thursday Timewasters: Nobody will notice it’s not Tuesday…right?

Tuesday Thursday Timewasters: A Collection of the Random Things I found on the Web this week! 

I know what you’re thinking: ‘Really, weather? REALLY? Hot, cold, wet, not wet, windy, a mini typhoon, come on!’…right? No? Just me? Clearly you do not live in Calgary.

Welcome to Thursday Timewasters.

It’s not Tuesday. (In fact, it’s barely even Thursday BUT it is Thursday somewhere in the world)

I know.

BUT remember, we did have a Thursday Timewasters once before so let’s not all get up in arms about ‘it’s not Tuesday’, ‘but Timewasters is supposed to be on Tuesday’, I want absolutely NO emails containing the word ‘Tuesday’…unless it’s regarding meeting up / going for coffee / I forgot I was supposed to do something ON Tuesday. Or presents. I love presents.

Moving on.

Happy Timewasting.

(As usual, if you are the owner of a picture below, shoot us an email so we can link you / credit you / bow down to the genius and humor-glory you have bestowed upon us)

andylevy baby sleep blasphemy cat poker cats cats2 coffee hot courage found dog funny-note-cat-dog-love joker and robin kitkatMind blown nope obama2 procatstination rock scissors paper Samuel L. Dogson tilt back your screen toystory trex Unexplainable Picture unicorn walking dead whatisthis

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comedy funny humor quotes South Korea timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – Hedgehog Unleashed – 04/30

hedgehog (4)This week, Timewaste with Quote Friday!! Ou, it’s like an illicit affair, right? The two weekly posts, joining forces…it’s all so exciting.

Yes, ohhhhh yes, it’s that time! It’s FINALLY. THAT. TIME!!

THE HEDGEHOG’S BEEN UNLEASHED!

And to celebrate this Tuesday/Friday get together, here at The Ketchup War, we’re giving you, YES YOU, a whopping 50% off your purchase of the book.

50%!

FIFTY!!

So, have you enjoyed Quote Friday as much as I have? Sad to see it over? Well, I have good news for you! It’s now a book!

Four years of hilarious kids’ quotes from the ESL classroom in South Korea.

Following on from the success of Quote Friday – a round up of the best quotes of the week from my elementary school classroom – comes the full and unabridged book featuring some never before read additions from students, family and, of course, The Canadian One.

Packed full of hysterical quotes such as:

Having just read the sentence: ‘Baby wallabies are born without fur.’
Me: “What are baby wallabies born without?”
Kid: “Hope.”

Me: “What’s a baby chicken called?”
Kid: “An egg fry.”

Me: “What’s your favorite book?”
Kid: “Harry Potter.”
Me: “What’s the story?”
Kid: “It has no story.”

Me: “What are eyebrows?”
Kid: “People’s eye fur.”

Me: “What’s a ‘tail’?”
Kid: “A dog’s antenna.”

Me: “When do we find out who wins this election in America? Is it like the same day or is it weeks later like on The X Factor?”
The Canadian One: “The US election is NOT like The X Factor.”

Watch Out For The Hedgehog is the must-read book for educators, travellers, ESL teachers and anyone who’s ever been curious about what it’s like to teach English in a foreign country.

To claim your 50% discount:

  1. Click this link: THE LINK
  2. Go through the motions of signing up to Smashwords. Now, I know what you’re thinking ‘I don’t wanna join a random site, they will spam me‘. They will not. I promise. They’re a fantastic organization that allow independent writers and publishers publish their books online and liaise with all the big companies on your behalf to get you the best possible deals for your book. Think of it as discovering and supporting more independent writing.
  3. Use your special code: ZX38T
  4. Download the book as MOBI, PDF, EPUB, RTF or HTML (or all five if you wish, you get all versions with your purchase).
  5. Read and enjoy.
  6. Offer valid until May 3rd 2013.

The book’s also available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble (no, I have no idea why the book cover isn’t there) and Kobo bookstores (but without the discount).

Categories
comedy funny humor internet timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – 365 songs in 356 days – 04/23

So, some of you may be wondering where I’ve been for two weeks. TWO. WEEKS. I’ve not posted anything for two whole weeks. That’s like, a lifetime in blog-years. BUT I do have a good excuse.

Today is my one month anniversary of living in Canada! Whoop whoop. And it’s my 18th day of living in my new hometown of Calgary. The Canadian One and I have been super busy. In fact, we’ve been more than busy, we’ve been downright unstoppable. In just 18 short days, we’ve landed an apartment, jobs, health cards, I got a SIN, we got two phones, a whole host of furniture and I’ve experienced both ankle deep snow and IKEA for the first time. Quite frankly,  I’m surprised I survived either one of them.

photo (11)

I also finished the Quote Friday book: Watch Out For The Hedgehog. Double Whoop Whoop. For more information on that, and to join in in our ebook elaunch the-party-without-the-mess, check out the Facebook Event Page for discounts and free copies.

So, previously on: The Life of Jenny

Let’s go back a few weeks.

The last thing I did before I left Korea was to volunteer for the Irish Association of Korea’s annual St. Patrick’s Day festival:

Somewhere a child is crying
Somewhere a child is crying

My friend’s baby won second place in the costume competition:

photo (9)

And I won in the raffle. You’d swear there was a fix goin‘ on.

I was a volunteer co-ordinator. Which is just a fancy way of saying I organized, liaised with, scheduled and supervised all the volunteers. I’ve done this type of job plenty of times before so this was a doddle for me. Here I am:

IMG_0004

There would later be a hoopla about the return of the t-shirts and some not being returned…which lead to me leaving the country with one by accident. It wasn’t even my t-shirt, mind you. I returned mine like I was supposed to. Anywoo, it makes a great pajama sweater for Canada weather.

The IAK threw an after party, as is traditional for the Irish. Really, any excuse and there’s a party and alcohol. I manned the door, then I got yelled at, there was a dispute, I stormed off (well, I walked away politely, I mean you don’t want to be THAT Irish girl at a party on St. Patrick’s Day storming around like a Loonie Toon), THEN I managed to bag FOUR free Guinness tokens (because I was yelled at and was felt sorry for).

There’s a lesson there. Be angry – Get nothing. Be pouty – Get free Guinness. Remember that if you ever visit Ireland.

Unfortunately, I don’t drink Guinness and The Canadian One was off at a non-St. Patrick’s Day party…o.O…Feel free to judge him…

I’ll wait.

…So I gave my Guinness away. To this guy (with The Canadian One’s blessing):

photo (12)

He had us all up dancin‘ and jiggin‘ and had one tall blonde guy in particular just going mental.

No, seriously.

Less than two weeks later, I see him again at The Canadian One’s LAST. EVER. GIG with the Bears (and our leaving party).

And HE is the focus of this week’s Tuesday Timeswaster!

Does anyone remember when I tried to do a photo a day for 500 days? No? Me neither. He’s trying to do a song a day for 365 days and so far, so good. He’s on day 113, which is further than I got.

The Ketchup War presents our Top Ten Dara Sheahan A-Song-A-Day Songs: (alternatively, it could have been titled Top Ten Guy-From-Ireland-Plays-Acoustic-Guitar-In-Korea-Every-Day-Songs but it doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as well)

Day 113: Someone Like You (Adele)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRHAxn3axJk?rel=0%5D

Day 66: The Wild Rover (reminds me of Ireland EVERY TIME)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEasBJp1mc4?rel=0%5D

Day 34: Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves (Same as above)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2ROuPuyCuk?rel=0%5D

Day 42: Lime in the Coconut

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vup8oRzxPhY?rel=0%5D

Day 39: Ain’t No Sunshine (Does anyone else think Notting Hill when they hear this…or is it just me?)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4-gFvp1Qww?rel=0%5D

Day 43: Brown Eyed Girl

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iv6HxcV1Cg?rel=0%5D

Day 104: Word Up

…No, seriously…Irish Acoustic Version…

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxiAdJnXxfI?rel=0%5D

Day 86: Dancing in the Moonlight

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tB6R7JnmhJU?rel=0%5D

Day 73: Whiskey in the Jar (If you’re Irish, try not to sing along, I dare you)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrooG7AW3qI?rel=0%5D

You failed, didn’t you? I heard you sing. Don’t deny it.

Day 49: Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay

Lemme tell you a story. My favorite song in the entire world is Sittin‘ on the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding and besides Otis’s original, my second favorite is Playing for Change’s. Everytime I hear it, I think about The Canadian One and I walking home from a bar, early morning, in Gangnam, it’s raining and we’re huddled under the umbrella, he’s stealing Hawaii Five-O posters from a bus stop for me and we’re listening to his iPhone play this song on You Tube on loud speaker. Ohhh what the Korean’s must have thought of us!

Doesn’t matter who sings it, that’s always the image I get.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL5VVi2dk9M?rel=0%5D

To keep up with Dara Sheahan’s 365 songs mission find him at his YouTube Channel or find him on Facebook.

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funny humor timewasters

Twins, Tuna and Tuesday Timewasters – 04/09

twins picture

Tuesday Timewasters: A Collection of the Random Things I found on the Web this week! 
(As usual, if you are the owner of a picture below, shoot us an email so we can link you / credit you / bow down to the genius and humor-glory you have bestowed upon us)

I’m sure you’ve heard the news about South Korea? No, not that news. The other news. About the twins? How the Korean maybe-twins found each other? On Facebook? Well, ok, technically not on Facebook…YouTube…

The story goes Anais Bordier spotted Samantha Futerman (of minor film roles fame) and thought she’d seen her double. A quick bout of stalking, a short Facebook message and an idea for a documentary later and a Kickstarter campaign is born.

Dubbed, ‘Twinsters’, the campaign aims to raise money to fly one of the girls to LA with a production crew to film a documentary about the girls’ first meeting and a DNA test…which no one has done yet.

Both girls were born in the same town on the same day, adopted and do look very alike. Their campaign hit their target and kept growing and it now at $38,582.

Check out the Arirang Korean news report below:

Interestingly, I’ve been on Arirang radio promoting a charity I used to run in Korea. I was terrified for the entire 30 minute segment. Hopefully there are no copies of it online anywhere.

In other, twin-related news, these two kids dancing to ‘Hey Ya’ had us in stitches. Cute overload.

Speaking of twins, did YOU know that these people were twins?

  • Gisele Bundchen – Twin sister Patricia
  • Vin Diesel – Twin brother Paul…Vincent, not Diesel
  • Scarlett Johansson – Twin brother Hunter
  • Aaron Carter – Twin sister Angel
  • Alanis Morissette – Twin brother Wade
  • Ashton Kutcher – Twin brother Michael
  • Kiefer Sutherland – Twin sister Rachel…who looks eerily like him. Like really like him. Really. Google it

Moving on.

tuuuuna

In early 2004, while The Canadian One and The Childhood Friend (his, not mine – we’re currently staying with him in Calgary) got bored in Korea and developed a website dedicated to tuna.

Seriously.

No, seriously.

And thus, Tuna For Life was born.

A few months back, The Canadian One turns to me and says: “Did I ever tell you about the tuna website I started?”

Blank stare.

Blinking.

Me: “What?!”

tunafaceAnd thus the explanation of how, two guys, bored in Korea at the end of the Winter started a blog dedicated to tuna and all things tuna related such as tuna recipes, tuna crafts, global tuna pictures, and much, much more.

Our arrival in Calgary was followed by several days of drinking and reminiscing. For them. Not me. I’d never met The Childhood Friend before. Then came the question of “I wonder if that tuna website is still up?”

And it was. Tuna for Life! : A site run by a group of friends who have realized that Tuna Fish (especially canned tuna) plays an extremely important role in their lives.

No….seriously…

While you recover from thinking, WTF at that news, you can check out some of this week’s found-on-the-web-this-week pictures:

olivia wilde dammit lisa is blonde

Chinese Restaurant Sign

Remember when my friend made a Grumpy Cat latte…I found another one for her to try:

pacman latte

Step One: Get a cat.

Step Two: Get a cat horn.

Step Three: Put cat horn on cat and have awesomest cat in the world!

Cat Horn

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humor timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – Thumbs and Ammo – 04/02

thumb fiction

Now, here’s a site that has you wondering, ‘Why didn’t someone think of this before?’

Does anyone remember in the E.T. 20th Anniversary Re-release, Spielberg replaced the guns with walkie-talkies in the sequence where the federal agents threaten Elliot? No? Well, here’s a helpful picture for reference:

ET1982

It’s a bit like that. But better.

Like Spielberg, the clever people behind Thumbs and Ammo clearly had the same the-world-today-is-very-sensitive-about-gun mentality when they came up with this site.

A simple concept that embraces ‘Real tough guys don’t need guns, they just need a positive, can-do attitude‘, the site replaces all guns with a thumbs-up.

Check out some of my favorites below and follow them at @ThumbsandAmmo:

Will Smith thumbs

spck thumb nicholas C Gold Thumb Blooper Reservoir thumbs Ramboth thumb fiction biglebowskytumb SavingThumbs mark r ChuckNorristhumbsup Emil P jokerthumb Aaron N

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comedy funny humor internet random

Tuesday Timewasters – Stalking the Public – 03/05

Svalbard
Svalbard (Photo credit: James.Stringer)

The Canadian One has an obsession with an Arctic archipelago called Svalbard. Located midway between mainland Norway and the North Pole, The Canadian One’s love affair with this tiny cluster of icy islands began after he read a book called ‘Four Against The Arctic’. When speaking about it, he enthuses about how four brave Russian sailors end up shipwrecked and managed survive six whole years on this island. He’ll tell you about how they killed polar bears (10 to be exact with homemade weapons), how one sailor continually talks about how much he misses his wife and how amazed he (TCO) is by it all.

Polar Bear, Spitsbergen, Hornsund
Polar Bear, Spitsbergen, Hornsund (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In fact, he loves this island so much, not only have we looked into the idea of visiting the island cluster (and we all know how much I hate the snow), he’s also read several other books about the archipelago and written two songs about it.

All of which brings me to this week’s Timewaster: Stalking the Public.

Sometime, last year, The Canadian One and I were googling Svalbard, entertaining the idea of a trip to polar bear central where it’s mandatory for non-settlers to carry a shotgun at all time. During our search, we stumbled upon this: a webcam in Svalbard where you can watch the island all year round….Nothing much happens except it gets dark and then bright again, but still, it’s interesting. I watch it thinking ‘PO-LAR BEAR! PO-LAR BEAR!’ but sadly nothing. Not one bear in sight.

Of course, where there’s one, there’s more. Many many more. All over the world in fact.

Did you know this? That there are webcams around the world? ALL around the world?! I didn’t!

Last night, The Canadian One and I spent over 30 minutes watching people walking around New York’s Times Square playing the game of tourist, New Yorker or criminal. We were bored. No judging.

Times Square, New York

newyork

Some more interesting web camera setups around the world include:

Temple Bar, Dublin

templebar

The Canadian One and I visited here during our Christmas break and we’ve recently become very excited to think that we may have been featured on it!

Abbey Road, The Crossing

abbeyroad crossin

The famous crosswalk the Beatles filmed on. Now, you can watch normal people cross in a normal way 24 hours a day…unless you see tourists. They won’t be walking normally and you’ll be able to spot them almost immediately. They’ll have cameras and will be running back and forth across the road like chickens. We call them zebra crossing in Ireland. What do you call them?

The Las Vegas Wedding Chapel

weddingchapel

People get married, the staff mill about, the cleaning staff clean up, all in a day’s work over at the Las Vegas Wedding Chapel.

A Cat Shelter in the Netherlands

catshelter

Exactly what it says in the title. Cats. In a shelter. Being cats.

Niagara Falls

niagrafalls

It’s a big waterfall in Canada. I’ll be visiting it soon. Very very soon. Like, this time next month, I will have visited it. Unless there are no boats running. No boat – no visit. That’s my deal.

We also checked out webcams in The Canadian One’s home town of Cape Breton and in his university town of Fredericton.

For more webcam fun check out EarthCam or WorldCam and tell us where YOU like to watch!

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funny humor

Tuesday Timewasters – One REALLY ANNOYING Timewaster – 02/19

Tuesday Timewasters: A Collection of the Random Things I found on the Web this week! 
(As usual, if you are the owner of a picture below, shoot us an email so we can link you / credit you / bow down to the genius and humor-glory you have bestowed upon us)

I’m fairly confident this will keep you all amused for a while. Sound off some answers in the comments. I didn’t get very far. Although number one: Pulp Fiction. There, I got you started.

Guess the pop culture

Interesting Fact: The British Friend’s mam made Teletubbies. And no, I’m not making that up. I’ve long though that should be his opening line to girls. ‘Hi, my name is The British Friend. Ignore my fluffy hair. My mam made Teletubbies.’

Don’t forget, in celebration of our BIRTHDAY (YAY!), we’re giving away some priiiiizes! We’re having another like-a-post-win-a-prize weeks. All ya gotta do is like a post written this week, Feb 18th – 24th 2013, and maaaaybe The Canadian One will pick YOUR name outta the hat.

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Tuesday Timewasters – Happy Pancake Day – 02/12

Tuesday Timewasters: A Collection of the Random Things I found on the Web this week! 
(As usual, if you are the owner of a picture below, shoot us an email so we can link you / credit you / bow down to the genius and humor-glory you have bestowed upon us)

Happy Pancake Day…or Day-After-Lunar-New-Year Day! After a weekend of visiting friends and watching The Canadian One singing in not one but two bands (for the last ever time before we leave K-Town for C-Land, I have found myself stuck in bed with a fever, a sore throat and random bouts of sneezing fits. Luckily, however, my Lunar New Year vacation is still in full swing and school doesn’t start back until tomorrow, my 12th last day of teaching!

Before we kick off this week’s Timewasters, lemme just tell you what I learned about today: Irish Breakfast Shot: Take two shot glasses. Drink one shot with Jameson and a splash of butterscotch schnapps and followed by a shot of pure orange juice. Finish up with a slice of crispy bacon.

I need to try this.

But for now, the giant stack of pancakes I made today will have to keep me going.

Happy Timewasting Pancake Day!

Sent to me by a friend! I have this book, it's awesome!
Sent to me by a friend! I have this book, it’s awesome!

fd1e2e4f48324dcb97f3e2a3e2474cc6 2cd1e555cfd0ee3903322d5ce7cdcdb5

We have it surrounded!

Man, avocados are so sneaky!
Man, avocados are so sneaky!

migraine

I NEED THIS!
I NEED THIS!

9261e51b59471bffef31ccedaf1e0b01 2525ede53cefe1f62d795b73e0475195 Obamabirth 1d0efe0aa719f7c86e6f1571a2c9226f 1f92f5428c7a33b06b6674553d0953ea

'Your password or username is wrong' - TELL ME WHICH ONE IS WRONG SO I CAN STOP GUESSING BOTH!!!
‘Your password or username is wrong’ – TELL ME WHICH ONE IS WRONG SO I CAN STOP GUESSING BOTH!!!

bd08ffc094820a21ce2edb986fbb8041 b7592eba73cb2b8f96c70e157506ba84 c83c3e9e40d643676da58d844b674534 f9e754fdea80abb3f21c3bf6c1e2037f ff139498ff20481fd788066f035502e372c469901fd68118ac4f750339deaebe 5215edbb17c1f54a0f522dcd4baaa6ad

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comedy funny humor

Tuesday Timewasters – Dear Girls Above Me – 02/05

girls gossipFor a long time now The Canadian One has been threatening to start his own Quote Friday / Twitter with things I say around the house. He’s taken to having his phone nearby at all times just in case I say something ridiculous and he needs to jot it down.

For example, last night, around 1am, I couldn’t sleep so I woke him up to ask, ‘Was the lion in The Lion King’s name Simon?’. His reaction: ‘Simon? Simon? You think Simon is a good strong African name? Simon and his father Mufasa?’

…’So, it’s not Simon?’

Imagine my happiness when I wandered upon Dear Girls Above Me and decided I want need to be friends with these girls!

The site was started by Charlie McDowell when two annoying girls moved into the apartment above him. Forced to listen to every word they said, he started noting them down and posting anonymous letters online to them. People started writing to him to tell them they were funny and it convinced him to create a site. (Incidentally, that’s exactly how this site started!)

McDowell, himself, is rather a famous chap. Son of Malcolm McDowell and Mary Steenburg, step-son of Ted Danson, brother to Lily McDowell (of Sons of Anarchy fame) and rumored fiance of Rooney Mara, of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, if reports surfacing last week are anything to go by.

Here are my Top 15 Girls Above Me quotes (and I had 34 originally…and was aiming for a Top 10)…:

ashcloud billgate gasstation groundhogday koreatown sharkweek rosesarered pickletree minors ladybugs Thisword thla vibrators voting worldis round

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comedy entertainment funny humor

Tuesday Timewasters – The Is-That-Really-True? Edition – 01/29

I read some of these and think, is that true? That can’t be true. Is it?…Wait, maybe it IS true…That’s it, I’m gonna try it at home.

For those of you interested, number 13, the ice cream headache one does work. Number 16, I’ll be trying as soon as The Canadian One returns home later. Hopefully he doesn’t read this and is completely unprepared for his demise to the floor. I tried to trip him up ninja style at the traffic lights the other day but he resisted. He said I’d make a terrible ninja as he’d hear me coming a mile away. I’m lulling him into a false sense of security…you watch!

108508672242449190_iTKjbwlU_c

Alternative hairdryer usage: Removing stickers from crome on a guitar…I’ll post pictures, it totally works!

Other uses

And finally, some science facts from the good people at Science World…and the reason why I shall be ridding my life of all my blue summer dresses.

Science facts

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comedy funny humor timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – FREE RICE!!! – 01/22

fr_fb_cover_link

GOT TIME, GET RICE!

This week on The Ketchup War, we’re urging you to come waste time with us somewhere else, come play with us over at freerice.com.

***FREE RICE***

It’s a very simple concept brought to you by The United Nations World Food Program. Answer simple questions, win rice.

***FREE RICE***

The Ketchup War even has its own group where you can play against other readers. I’m ‘jenjen21’ and as you can see from my score chart I’m good at English Vocabulary (up to a certain level…man!!!) and I suck at Flags of the World. SUCK. AT. IT. Come join us and play against me since the group is 24 hours old and I’m the only one in it so far.

You can answer questions on math, geography, chemistry, SAT prep or even learn some random vocabulary words in Spanish, French or Italian…or English if you’re me.

***FREE KETCHUP…just checkin‘ you’re still paying attention…there’s no free ketchup…sorry***

  • Sign up
  • Join The Ketchup War’s group
  • Claw your way to the top of our group competition and not only will you have won free rice to end hunger, The Ketchup War will give you a PRIZE…(it’s not rice) and, of course, you get bragging rights that you are The Smartest Tomato in the Ketchup.
  • Don’t forget to log into The Ketchup War group before you play or your points wouldn’t be tallied in our group.
  • Be proud of all your rice.
  • Tell all your friends about the rice!
  • The Ketchup War competition ends February 18th 2013…OUR ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY!!!

***BE NICE, GET RICE!*** (I’m almost positive that should say ‘Be Smart, Win Rice’….)

fr_avatar2

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funny humor internet random timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – The Random Edition Take 2 – 01/15

The Death Star in A New Hope
The Death Star in A New Hope (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

First up, in case you don’t know, over in the USA, they have a website called ‘We The People’ where The People (obviously) petition the government for various things such as responsible pet ownership, the legalisation of marijuana, the building of a Death Star…no, seriously. It has a very simple premise: people put forward a petition, people sign the petition, if over 25,000 people sign it, the government responds.

The Death Star petition got 34,435 signatures.

And the White House responded.

They said ‘no’…

…but they said no in a beautifully crafted response written by Paul Shawcross, Chief of the Science and Space at the White House, titled ‘This Isn’t the Petition Response You’re Looking For’.

Reasons for the non-existence of the Death Star include:

  • It’ll cost $850,000,000,000,000,000 to build.
  • The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
  • And ‘why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?’

All valid points.

He goes on to explain in more detail the whys and whynots as well as the what’s already here and what we have planned for the future (‘floating robot assistants on the Space Station, a President who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon, and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which is supporting research on building Luke’s arm, floating droids, and quadruped walkers’).

Proving himself a true Star Wars fan, he signs off with ‘Remember, the Death Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force.’

If you’re a Star Wars fan, a space fan or just even mildly amused by this, you should totally check out the rest of the response…if only to see a picture of the President wielding a lightsaber!

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Do you remember when I posted that Coca Cola video of CCTV cameras catching something awesome a while back?! No? Well, Coca Cola are BACK with their new ad directed by Smuggler’s Henry-Alex Rubin.

 

There are also mini films about a few of the participants including ‘The Secret Gardener‘, ‘Mr. Lucky‘ and Jeff Waldman aka ‘the swing dude’.

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A follow-on from the Coca Cola segment, one of the participants, Mr Lucky (above), has his own dedicated website. Coming into a lot of money one day, he decided to ‘do something good’ with the money and set about giving away £1,000 every day to complete strangers. The only catch: they must do something ‘good’ with the money and tell their story on the website. An interesting, compelling and downright amazing read for a timewaster this week.

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And to finish off this week’s ‘wasters, some Random Acts of Kindness:

randomactsofkindness

Don’t forget, here at The Ketchup War, we like to give back so we’re continuing our RANDOM KOREAN PRIZE giveaway. Will it be a packet of Psy sponsored ramen? A cute, kitschy phone dangle? Or something more awesome? (probably not that last one!) All ya gotta do to be in with a shot to win is to ‘like’ a post published between December 18th 2012 and 23:59 (KST) January 18th 2013. Why the 18th? Well, why not the 18th?

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Tuesday Timewasters – Will It Blend? – 01/08

Ok, to kick us off, WHY is this a thing? Why? 

iPad vs. Blender
iPad vs. Blender (Photo credit: methodshop.com)

Recently, The Canadian One and I have been ridding our lives of all our unnecessary things that won’t quite be making the border crossing into Canada with us. Goodbye juicer (which I used once to test it before selling it as I forgot we owned it), hand blender (yeah, I didn’t know we owned one of those), normal blender (which I made soup with twice and mostly make breadcrumbs with), other-normal-blender (which was broken), and a whole plethora of other stuff…like hair straighteners, I don’t even straighten my hair. Never have. Hell, I’m lucky I have the patience to dry it in the mornings.

Before you start thinking, ‘Wow, how irresponsible, buying all those items and never using them.’ Let me stop you there.

You see, when people leave Korea, they like to hand off their stuff to friends. Friends who take a free juicer and think, ‘Ouuu, all the smoothies I can make’ and then puts it under the sink and forgets they own it. I was one of those friends. NOW, I’m the friend who thinks ‘I don’t care if you don’t want a spice rack with three shelves and a basket, you will take the spice rack and it will no longer be my problem. Enjoy.’ I gotta say, getting free stuff was more fun.

Moving on.

I don’t know about you but when I think of blenders, I think ‘soup’, ‘pasta sauce’, ‘smoothie’, I do NOT think ‘iPhone’, ‘Kindle’ or ‘Crowbar’.

Unlike Tom Dickson, inventor of the Blendtec Blender. He’s been making blenders for over 18 years and in 2007, decided to put his ‘blender tests’ on the web. With its wonderfully retro theme music and its, at time, awkward to watch host, this site had me and The Canadian One pointing ‘Click on crowbar!! Oh my God, click on marbles!! Glow sticks!! I wanna do that!’ – Mainly me…but he was there.

Having been using the tests to measure the performance of the blender in the lab, Tom Dickson and the videos soon went viral and since then, there’s been a steady stream videos featuring unusual blends.

Such as Bic Lighters:

 

The iPhone 5 vrs Galaxy S3

 

Golf Balls!

 

Marbles!!!!

 

And GLOW STICKS!! – I WANNA DO THIS

 

GOD DAMMIT, now I want a Blendtec Blender. Check out their YouTube site for more random blends or suggest your own on their Facebook site

What do YOU wanna blend?

Elsewhere on the web, if you’re not doing anything:

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Tuesday Timewasters – The Detention Edition – 01/01

AAAAAnd we’re back after our short break to The Land of the Shamrock where my mother fed us enough food to keep a small army fighting. A short but awesome timewasters this week as there’s unpacking and tidying to be done…and the small fact that I slept from 12:30am til 2:55pm today after which The Canadian One announced I should probably get up considering school’s back tomorrow at 7am and I’ve no chance of getting up on time if I sleep all day today!

Man, if I could give detention at my school, the things I would have to write, ‘Friend called him a ‘baby’, he told him to ‘go back and drink mommy’s milk’…He’s seven and barely speaks any English…I can’t give detention for that! It’s genius!

Don’t forget, here at The Ketchup War, we like to give back so we’re continuing our RANDOM KOREAN PRIZE giveaway. Will it be a packet of Psy sponsored ramen? A cute, kitschy phone dangle? Or something more awesome? (probably not that last one!) All ya gotta do to be in with a shot to win is to ‘like’ a post published between December 18th 2012 and 23:59 (KST) January 18th 2013. Why the 18th? Well, why not the 18th?

Detention Notes

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Tuesday Timewasters – The Pictures Edition – 12/18

It’s week til Chrissssstmas!! In case you didn’t know…

Once again, here at The Ketchup War, we like to give back so we’re continuing our RANDOM KOREAN PRIZE giveaway. Will it be a packet of Psy sponsored ramen? A cute, kitschy phone dangle? Or something more awesome? (probably not that last one!) All ya gotta do to be in with a shot to win is to ‘like’ a post published between December 18th 2012 and 23:59 (KST) January 18th 2013. Why the 18th? Well, why not the 18th?

Last month’s winner: Jennifer Avventura

Moving on.

Some pictures from around the web this week.

These two pictures featured on our Facebook site this week:

stalkerroof

sexy latte

go home sign

BabiesTime travelTweet building

plant cell

baby

mouseparade

dashing thru the no

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Tuesday Timewasters – Stupid Joke Edition 12/11

Cows on MeadowI love stupid jokes. Love ’em. The Canadian One and I have some go-to jokes we use while out and about with other people, mainly in bars, let’s be fair…or  parks…while drunk in parks.

My top eleven favorite stupid jokes: Happy Timewasting!

This first one was told to us recently while we were drinking in a playground…no judging…we couldn’t drink in the apartment, the cops came and shut us down for making too much noise and scaring the Korean neighbors with the sheer amount of white folk in the apartment…I’m guessing on that last part. Yes, we’re all school teachers. No, it wasn’t a school night. Yes, there was a completely valid reason for throwing a party on a Tuesday…the following day was a day off school. Tut tut, ESL teachers, any excuse…

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

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One of mine, told to me by an old man in a bar in Ireland during halftime in a football match:

What do you call a cow with 11 udders?

12 cows. (Tip: read it again in an Irish accent)

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Submitted by my mam:

Three pigs sit in a row. One says to the other, ‘I can see your tail but you can’t see mine.’ How is this possible?

It’s not. Pigs can’t talk.

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What did the whale say when the shark was hording all the candy?

Don’t be so shellfish.

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Also submitted by mam:

‘When you get your new dog, you should get The Canadian One name it ‘Naked’, then every time he walks the dog he can say, ‘I’m going to walk Naked down the street.”

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Submitted by The Canadian One:

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says ‘Hey, man, we’ve got a drink named after you.’ Grasshopper says, ‘Really? You’ve got a drink named Leonard?!’

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My favorite dirty joke courtesy of Woody Allen’s claim that it’s his favorite joke:

A chicken and an egg are relaxing after sex. The egg is smoking a cigarette and the chicken says with a pissed off look on his face, ‘Well, I guess we know the answer to that question!’

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What did the chicken say to the penguin as he was about to cross the road?

Don’t do it, man, you’ll never hear the end of it!

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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Doctor.

Doctor who?

Oh my God, HOW did you know?!

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What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

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Submitted by The Canadian One:

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

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Got a stupid joke? Hit up the comments below!

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Don’t forget, The Ketchup War needs YOUR help! We’ve been nominated for an Expat Blog Award.

Uh huh! Insert happy dance here.

But we need YOU. The South Korea winner will be announced December 12th (TOMORROW) and is based on reviews left on the site from its readers. That’s YOU! Just pop on over to The Ketchup War’s page and leave us an awesome review. You just KNOW you want to! There’s only ONE day left to get your comments in!

Dooooooo ittttttt and also have a lovely day!!

***

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Tuesday Timewasters – Break Room Stories – 12/04

419In terms of sourcing Timewasters for you lovely folks, I usually do it myself. While away the hours at the computer playing on the Internet when I should be writing aka staring at my computer screen and the mocking blinking line on the white paper. Sometimes The Canadian One will send me something he thinks is Timewasters worthy, and why not, he’s already trying to start his own Quote Friday full of stuff I say but won’t publish. (Keep an eye out for that!). Very occasionally will someone else send a link but never, has a Timewaster come to me quite the same way as this week’s.

They started following The Ketchup War.

No, seriously.

A while back, while in the middle of hell-month NaNoWriMo November, Breakroomstories started appearing in my WordPress feed. ‘Liking’ stuff and ‘Following’ me. I immediately became intrigued about who they were, what they were and what was with the name? A few clicks later, and I was hooked. I began reading it everyday…well, everyday until my school copped on and recently blocked wordpress.com from our computers.

But not Facebook.

Logic: Missing.

720-e1353280533613

Born and breed in the good ol’ USA, founder Chris Simon put in his time in customer service industry, spending five years ‘getting extra ranch, trying to figure out how to describe the degree of spice an entrée pack [has], avoiding co-workers that are on the breaking point, and getting stiffed for no reason’.

155-e1352769155832

He tells The Ketchup War, ‘I was attending college in Southern California and I needed to find a job that had flexible hours and could provide me with enough income to first of all maintain my drinking habits (I was in college) and second of all put a roof over my head. Boom, I landed a server position at America’s favorite place to get diabetes….The Olive Garden. Italian food at its finest. While working there I noticed one very specific thing that united a very diverse work force, their desire to commiserate on break by recounting the horror stories of the current shift.’

219-e1352315659303
‘Servers and bartenders are a very unique bunch,’ Simon continues, ‘They usually possess a very dynamic set of communication skills necessary for a position dealing with the general public and after dealing with that general public and their food they have also developed a general disdain for humanity. So I would sit and listen to very animated group of  individuals recount the most outrageous stories of what happens to them on a day to day basis, usually adding quips and insults to the story that would make me belly laugh to the point of crying. I remember thinking one night that if I could find a way to build a public forum for these stories to be published it could be quite entertaining but I didn’t do anything at that time.’

613-e1352769446707

After quitting The Olive Garden to work at Yardhouse in Southern California, Simon once again found himself listening to his fellow employees commiserate and bond through these ‘break room horror stories’. It was then that he knew he had to make them public and, much like The Ketchup War and its quotes, Break Room Stories was born.

Now with over 75 submissions a week, Simon finds himself inundated with stories from all around the world.

When asked what his favorites from the site are, Simon tells us:

‘”I know my shift is almost over when I can smell myself, I smell like ranch and B.O.’ – A Waiter in Dallas

“I just witnessed a 250 pound woman take a body shot off of another 250 pound woman” – A Bartender in Chicago

“Some lady just sent her roast beef sandwich back because it tastes too much like roast beef, really?”  – A Waitress in Los Angeles

But his all time favorite story (not just because it happened to him) goes like this:

“I work at a restaurant across the street from a hotel and a big convention center so we often get customers from business conventions. One night a late 30’s business women came in solo and sat at my table. Four martinis later she and I got real chatty. She told me all about her directional drilling company blah blah blah I was trying to act interested to get a big tip. She is finally ready to go and I drop the check. She leaves and winks at me on the way out. I go back to the table and open the check presenter. Inside was exact change for the bill, a room key, a condom, and a note. The note said I have the rest of your tip in room 613 and I got you something to wear….”

He tells us he does get ‘some pretty weird submissions. But there is one guy who sends me the same story every week. It goes like this:

“It is my duty to the serving community to fart on all these needy geeks and tweaks. Thug Life forever son.”

No joke I get this story every week. I have no idea what it means nor do I want to know.’

Personally, I have to say the following are my favorites but for a daily dose of waiter horror stories and funny Restaurant Randomness Galleries, please check out breakroomstories.com.

Got a story to share, send it on into them and let us know!

brs1brs4brs3

Don’t forget, The Ketchup War needs YOUR help! We’ve been nominated for an Expat Blog Award.

Uh huh! Insert happy dance here.

But we need YOU. The winner will be announced in December and is based on reviews left on the site from its readers. That’s YOU! Just pop on over to The Ketchup War’s page and leave us an awesome review. You just KNOW you want to!

Dooooooo ittttttt and also have a lovely day!!

If only I could learn how to do this with chopsticks over here!
If only I could learn how to do this with chopsticks over here!

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CCTV Cameras…Sometimes They Catch AWESOME Things – A Mini Tuesday Timewaster

Some of you will watch this video and say ‘awwwwwww’. Some of you will watch this video and think ‘I hate Coca-Cola and I’m not buying into their advertising campaign. And some of you will frikkin’ LOVE the dude who pushed the van outta the way of the train!!

UPDATE: Before we get emails from people claiming ‘It’s not real’: From a Coco-Cola Spokesperson: ‘There are a few clips that, while the situation is real, we had to recreate for the ad because it was impossible to find and secure permissions from all the people recorded on the cameras.’

You may now resume believing there’s good in the world.

Happy Tuesday!

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comedy funny humor internet timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – Star Disney War – 11/13

English: Opening logo to the Star Wars films
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

With my Facebook newsfeed full of people up in arms about Disney buying Lucasfilm, making more Star Wars, George Lucas ‘selling out’ and with the more recent announcement of Michael Arndt, him from Toy Story 3 fame, being announced as the writer of Star Wars 7.

But with a director still to be announced and with a few of my friends hidden from my newsfeed in anticipation for whatever backlash they feel is appropriate, Conan O’Brien and his funny-as-hell Team Coco have put together a bunch of director audition tapes in lieu of the announcement.

Happy Timewasting!

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Todd Phillips of The Hangover fame:

 

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Kevin Smith

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Woody Allen

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Wes Anderson

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Michael Moore

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Tom Six, him who directed The Human Centipede, a movie who’s trailer alone made me feel ill…I’m NOT watching the movie.

 

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Now, while I am aware some people take their Star Wars VERY seriously, let’s all remember folks, they were originally kids movies and heck, if Disney wanna make more, let ’em make more! I mean, just look at what they did with all their other movies: they became REAL!!

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Tuesday Timewasters – 11/06

Ohhhhh Ecards! How I love thee! Ready for round four of my favourites?

Happy Timewasting!

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Tuesday Timewasters: Some stories require no words… – 10/23

***Tuesday Timewasters, a round-up of things that have drifted into my interwebbie world this week. Every Tuesday. ***

(via)

Photos by Tim Dodd where indicated. See more here: http://timdoddphotography.com/blog/News/taylor-morris

To keep up with Taylor and Danielle or to make a donation, check out: http://www.taylormorris.org/

Photos used with permission.

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Tuesday (Mini Star Wars) Timewasters – 10/16

A mini edition for this week! Happy Timewasting!

First up, when Germany does flashmobs, they bring an orchestra! Check out the Star Wars FlashOrchestra:

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Another Star Wars themed video, this time the Star Wars theme done 30 Rock style:

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And that’s all for now! A shortie but a goodie…come on, IT’S STAR WARS!!

DON’T FORGET, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD ABOUT YOUR CAT TO ‘CAT WEEK: LIKE SHARK WEEK BUT FLUFFIER’ SEND IT TO US: jenny@theketchupwar.com

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Tuesday Timewasters – 10/02

Happy Timewasting!!

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Further proving English is just weird! Whenever my students ask me ‘Why?’ with regards to the English language, my response is always ‘Because English is strange and you just have to learn it that way…’

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Two versions of the same thing, both appearing in my newsfeed on the same day by two completely different people!

If you are interested in donating a small amount of money per day to build a kids’ school or to send a kid to school for a year, I suggest these people. The Canadian One and I sponsor three kids to attend school there and my friend has travelled out to work for them.

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And finally, wrapping things up, I hope this is true!! I really REALLY do!

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Tuesday Timewasters – Letters of Note – 09/25

residential mailbox, United StatesA friend of mine LOVES writing letters. She just loves it. I, meanwhile, do not. I’m so lazy sometimes the thought of replying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to an email makes me sigh. But here’s the thing, I love love love receiving letters. I adore it.

The Canadian One leaves a note each morning for me to wake up to (as he leaves before me) and I leave him a reply to come home to (as he’s home first). I find myself jumping out of bed at the sound of the front door closing and scouring the kitchen in search of my morning message. Search over, message found, I smile and retreat back to bed to think of a reply. I save them all. Each and every one of them in a folder all together. Some of the more endearing ones come to live in my purse.

For my Canadian visa application, we had to submit them all to immigration as ‘proof of our relationship’. Sitting on the floor, surrounded by all these letters, notes, post-it reminders and badly drawn pictures we read through each one (mainly to weed out the ones that would make us blush if sent out into the public) and relived moments of our relationship we’d completely forgotten about. The moments we would never have remembered had we not written about them. The moments were we’d be creatively telling each other we loved each other before we’d said the actual words. The moments we should remember and we should treasure and save forever and I guess that’s the point of a letter.

Which brings me to today’s timewaster: Letters of Note.

Started by Shaun Usher and now containing a collection of over 804 letters, Letters of Note has been on my bookmarked favorites list for some time. Although, I have to admit, I try not to go on to it too often as I find myself planning to read just one letter and end up two hours later crying at a letter number 64 of the day! With a book due to be released in November with the help of Unbound (another awesome website, like indiegogo but for books), I thought it would be the perfect time to showcase my favorite letters on the site.

At age 8, Teresa Jusino was a huge Wil Wheaton (him from Star Trek: The Next Generation fame) fan and saved up the $12.00 membership fee it cost to join the then 15-year-old’s fan club, ‘Wilpower’. Having waited and waited and waited and waited for her membership letter and official membership kit items to arrive, a disappointed Teresa realized they never would.

However, years later, in 2009, a 29-year-old Teresa received a surprise in the mail after Wheaton had read about her story.

(source)

In 2003, when Conan-fan, Nikki Simmons invited her idol to her prom, she never expected an actual response, let alone one so funny and touching.

(source)

Next up (and if you’re easily offended, I recommend skipping this one) is Matt Stone’s reply to the MPAA after they’d repeatedly asked him to alter certain parts of his 1999 movie, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.

(source)

Along the same line, the Monty Python boys held a preview screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail eight months before its release. Afterwards, Mark Forstater, one of the film’s producers who I had the great pleasure of meeting and interviewing years ago, wrote this letter to the BBFC.

(source)

And finally, my favorite ever letter to appear on the site and easily one of their most popular:

In August of 1865, a Colonel P.H. Anderson of Big Spring, Tennessee, wrote to his former slave, Jourdon Anderson, and requested that he come back to work on his farm. Jourdon — who, since being emancipated, had moved to Ohio, found paid work, and was now supporting his family — responded spectacularly by way of the letter seen below.

Dayton, Ohio,

August 7, 1865

To My Old Master, Colonel P.H. Anderson, Big Spring, Tennessee

Sir: I got your letter, and was glad to find that you had not forgotten Jourdon, and that you wanted me to come back and live with you again, promising to do better for me than anybody else can. I have often felt uneasy about you. I thought the Yankees would have hung you long before this, for harboring Rebs they found at your house. I suppose they never heard about your going to Colonel Martin’s to kill the Union soldier that was left by his company in their stable. Although you shot at me twice before I left you, I did not want to hear of your being hurt, and am glad you are still living. It would do me good to go back to the dear old home again, and see Miss Mary and Miss Martha and Allen, Esther, Green, and Lee. Give my love to them all, and tell them I hope we will meet in the better world, if not in this. I would have gone back to see you all when I was working in the Nashville Hospital, but one of the neighbors told me that Henry intended to shoot me if he ever got a chance.

I want to know particularly what the good chance is you propose to give me. I am doing tolerably well here. I get twenty-five dollars a month, with victuals and clothing; have a comfortable home for Mandy,—the folks call her Mrs. Anderson,—and the children—Milly, Jane, and Grundy—go to school and are learning well. The teacher says Grundy has a head for a preacher. They go to Sunday school, and Mandy and me attend church regularly. We are kindly treated. Sometimes we overhear others saying, “Them colored people were slaves” down in Tennessee. The children feel hurt when they hear such remarks; but I tell them it was no disgrace in Tennessee to belong to Colonel Anderson. Many darkeys would have been proud, as I used to be, to call you master. Now if you will write and say what wages you will give me, I will be better able to decide whether it would be to my advantage to move back again.

As to my freedom, which you say I can have, there is nothing to be gained on that score, as I got my free papers in 1864 from the Provost-Marshal-General of the Department of Nashville. Mandy says she would be afraid to go back without some proof that you were disposed to treat us justly and kindly; and we have concluded to test your sincerity by asking you to send us our wages for the time we served you. This will make us forget and forgive old scores, and rely on your justice and friendship in the future. I served you faithfully for thirty-two years, and Mandy twenty years. At twenty-five dollars a month for me, and two dollars a week for Mandy, our earnings would amount to eleven thousand six hundred and eighty dollars. Add to this the interest for the time our wages have been kept back, and deduct what you paid for our clothing, and three doctor’s visits to me, and pulling a tooth for Mandy, and the balance will show what we are in justice entitled to. Please send the money by Adams’s Express, in care of V. Winters, Esq., Dayton, Ohio. If you fail to pay us for faithful labors in the past, we can have little faith in your promises in the future. We trust the good Maker has opened your eyes to the wrongs which you and your fathers have done to me and my fathers, in making us toil for you for generations without recompense. Here I draw my wages every Saturday night; but in Tennessee there was never any pay-day for the negroes any more than for the horses and cows. Surely there will be a day of reckoning for those who defraud the laborer of his hire.

In answering this letter, please state if there would be any safety for my Milly and Jane, who are now grown up, and both good-looking girls. You know how it was with poor Matilda and Catherine. I would rather stay here and starve—and die, if it come to that—than have my girls brought to shame by the violence and wickedness of their young masters. You will also please state if there has been any schools opened for the colored children in your neighborhood. The great desire of my life now is to give my children an education, and have them form virtuous habits.

Say howdy to George Carter, and thank him for taking the pistol from you when you were shooting at me.

From your old servant,

Jourdon Anderson.

(source)

I urge you to check out the rest of the letters on the site, in particular, this month’s most recent:

Dear readers of TKW, I promise you your day will be brighter if you check out all of these and more, or just buy the book and enjoy every word on every page.

And to Shaun Usher, thank you. Thank you very much.

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Tuesday Timewasters – 09/18

Day off yesterday thanks to a rain storm. Today, I venture off for the results of the, ehhh, butt swab test…Been an interesting week so far!

HAPPY TIMEWASTING!!

OM NOM NOM NOM…

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I think I’ll go check my email!

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And of course, it’s an Irish bar…

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Always a bright side:

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When Ikea do April Fool’s jokes, THIS is what they do:

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Tuesday Timewasters – Did YOU Know About THIS? – 09/04

The ‘Did YOU Know About THIS?’ Edition

Up first, further proving white people think all Asian people look alike, we present to you: Iceland.

Eldgjá, Iceland

The story goes on August 25th 2012, an Asian women boarded a tour bus in Iceland. When they reached Eldgjá, a volcanic canyon in the south of the country, it was claimed she had gotten off the bus never to return. A search was mounted and carried on throughout night with up to 50 people joining in the hunt until it was revealed that the woman had never been missing at all. In fact, she’d been on the bus all along and even took part in the search for the herself, the ‘missing woman’. Apparently, the confusion began because the woman had gotten off the bus, changed clothes and returned only for her fellow passengers not to recognise her and assumed the ‘Asian woman’ was now missing and then they raised the alarm. The ‘missing woman’ also didn’t recognise the description of herself when it was given. Now, I’ve been the leader on a lot of kid’s tour groups and the one thing you learn is to constantly count the passengers. Count them once, twice, three times, get someone else to count them too. Or else you end up like these people.

Which we felt we had been on by the time we re...

Or like the summer camp coordinator at a camp I worked at who accidentally ‘kidnapped’ a 10 year old Russian girl from another tour group when they left a town. They’d driven the 2 hours home before realising she didn’t belong to them and promptly had to turn around and bring her back to her own clearly panic striken tour guide.

Or like my friend who accidentally ‘kidnapped’ an adult from the city center on her tour…although that woman was just confused and joined my friend’s tour all by herself so I guess we can’t really blame my friend.

Although in saying that, another friend and I once took 32 kids to another town on a tour once. All day we counted 32 kids. 32 on the bus. 32 in the town. 32 back on the bus. It was only when we got back home, we realised we’d only had 31 kids and couldn’t figure out how we’d counted wrong so many times all day.

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Moving on.

I think The Canadian One should get this:

Head over to ObviousWinner for more pictures and a VIDEO!

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Ale to the Chief!

Official photographic portrait of US President...Name: Barack Obama

Birthday: August 4, 1961

Occupation: President of the United States

Hobbies: Basketball, Golf, Brewing own beer

…Wait…What?!

Uh-huh, that’s right this week the internet is all abuzz about the White House brewing it’s own beer. It’s. Own. Beer.

The White House brew not one but two different types of beer: The White House Honey Ale and The White House Honey Porter using honey from the White House grounds’ very own beehive (natch).

Find out more with this video or check out The White House Blog for even more information and recipes. Hmmm, ‘The White House’ and ‘recipes’, two words I never thought I’d write in the same sentence.

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In a move that’s sure to make men everywhere rejoice comes two studies aimed at, well, making their lives a little better. First comes (no pun intended) the study from Gordon G. Gallup, Ph.D., a psychologist at the State University of New York in Albany, which claims semen-exposed women are less likely to be depressed than their condom using counterparts.

Deep breath.

English: Condoms Español: Condones del DIF
Colorful condoms…the least offensive picture I could publish…my mother reads this!

He goes on to explain ‘Semen contains hormones including testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins, and some of these are absorbed through the walls of the vagina and are known to elevate mood.’ Gallup also found that of the 293 college women surveyed ‘those who did not use condoms were most likely to initiate sex and to seek out new partners as soon as a relationship ended’.

So what you’re saying is Safe Sex = Sad Sex and Unsafe Sex = Happy Sex…I literally have no response to this.

It’s worth noting, however, these finding appeared on psychologytoday.com under the heading: ‘Crying Over Spilled Semen: Why women who don’t use condoms feel happier’ on September 1st 2002. Meanwhile, on August 21st 2012, it was reported again in the dailymail.co.uk under the heading: ‘Semen is ‘good for women’s health and helps fight depression’. 

My favorite quotes from the latter being:

‘…which scientists carried out via survey rather than through practical experiment…’

Some nice clarification.

And,

‘The research suggests it is not just that women who are having sex are simply happier, but that happiness levels might be related to the quantity of semen within their body.’

Although this article being rehashed 2 days after Todd Akin’s now-famous comments featuring such gems as ‘If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down’ is probably no coincidence. The Daily Mail article goes on to say:

…women’s bodies can detect ‘foreign’ semen that differs from their long-term or recurrent sexual partner’s signature semen.

They suggest the ability to detect foreign sources is an evolved system that often leads to unsuccessful pregnancies – via greater risk of preeclampsia – because it signals a disinvested male partner who is not as likely to provide for the offspring.

Another article on a study published today on SkyNews.com goes under the heading ‘Housework ‘Helps Cut’ Breast Cancer Risk’.

English: pink ribbon

Face….Palm….Smack….

The article goes on to explain:

In the largest study of its kind to date, the European Prospective Investigation Of Cancer (Epic), co-funded by Cancer Research UK, found women who take part in moderate to high levels of exercise can reduce the chance of getting breast cancer by up to 13%.

So…not housework specifically then, just any type of exercise where you get hot, a little out of breath and work up a bit of a sweat?

Well, if you need any ideas, see the article above regarding semen and happiness. Ah, sex: cut your risk of breast cancer and fight depression all at once.

I’m literally shaking my head as I write this, I’m surprised my fingers are still hitting the correct letters on the keyboard.

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Typhoon Timewasters – Top 10 10s – 08/28

The MODIS instrument on board NASA's Terra sat...

With the day off school today to await the imminent arrival of Typhoon Bolaven, I’ve redubbed today’s post Typhoon Timewasters!

Happy Timewasting!

To help you while away your time indoors during the storm, we here at TKW have compiled a list of the best of the AllTime10s. With all videos coming in at under 3 minutes long, they’re the perfect way to waste at least 30 minutes and perhaps learn something that you never thought you needed to know.

1. Top 10 Most Useless Body Parts

Covering such uselessness as wisdom teeth, male nipples and why some people can wiggle their ears and I some people can’t.

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2. Top 10 Everyday NASA Inventions

Did you know the substance used to make invisible braces was originally used by NASA to protect infrared detectors? No, me neither!

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3. Top 10 Craziest Ice-Cream Flavors

Bacon? Not that weird. Fried Chicken Wings? A little weirder. Breast milk? Ummm…..ooookkkkk. Viagra? WTF?

For more, check out The Food Network’s list.

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4. Top 10 Dumbest Criminals

Take the story of Krystian Bala, who’s 2003 book ‘Amok’ detailed a gristly murder of a Polish businessman. Noticing the eery similarities between the book’s plot and a murder from 2000 of the same nature, Chief Inspector Jack Wroblewski arrested Bala who’s currently serving 25 years for the murder. In my writing class I was always taught to write what you know but…well….

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5. Top 10 Bizarre Business Ideas That Made Millions

From toilet training kits for your cat to a website that faciliates peole in relationships to have affairs to…well, number three on the list…this list just goes to show, there’s no such thing as a stupid idea an idea that can’t make money.

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6. Top 10 Illegal Baby Names

I once had a co-teacher name one of my students Lucifer. He was the sweetest kid in the world and was only maybe 7 years old when he joined my class but still, I couldn’t help scrunching up my face everytime I had to say or write his name. It’s worth noting, since some of the older kids get to give themselves an English name I’ve had kids named ‘Pencil’, ‘Lightnening’, ‘Apple’, ‘ChocoPie’, ‘Carrot’ who changed her name to ‘Ninja’, the list goes on. The only time I’ve ever refused to let a kid name himself something was when one of my worst student tried to change his name to ‘Smart’, all the other kids complained it was a lie and he got outvoted.

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7. Top 10 Ill-Advised Publicity Stunts

From the US Department of Defence causing widespread public panic and Snapple’s failed world record attempt which resulted in kiwi-strawberry liquid flooding the streets of Manhattan, this list is one of my

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8. Top 10 Accidental Discoveries

Obviously Viagra is on the list but chocolate chip cookies and Play-Doh? Proving some accidents are totally awesome.

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9. Top 10 Suprising Facts About Google

Google have their own dinosaur! Their own DINO-SAUR!! His name is Stan. Stan the Dinosaur.

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10. Top 10 Things That Make You A 90’s Kid

(Sorry, Canadian One, but this ME!!! This is you….) Tamagotchis, Power Rangers and ‘In West Philadelphia born and raised….’

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There are literally hundreds more on their channel so it was hard to just list 10…this may be renamed Part One at some point. Notable mentions: Top 10 Unusual Mating Rituals, Top 10 Greatest Con Artists and Top 10 Lesser Known Natural Wonders.

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Tuesday Timewasters – 08/21

A funny, random pictures edition featuring a round-up of my favourite SomeEcards part 3! (Parts 1 and part 2 are here!)

Happy Timewasting!

On Facebook chat:

Me: ‘I logged onto the internet to write Timewasters but got distracted. Now I dunno what to write about.’

Pomegranate: ‘Write about what distracted you.’

Me: ‘I don’t think Facebook and reading about Tony Scott is Timewaster worthy.’

My favorite Facebookness:

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Sent by The Canadian One:

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Ricky makes a point:

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From the bar menu on Friday night:

Interesting beer bottle…

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Found while reading the news on my iPhone recently. As my mother would say….’WOT???’

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And finally, some Ecards to keep you laughing:

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Half A Year Of Ketchup

It’s been six months today that I started this website full of quotes, timewasters, ramblings and musings. Here’s a round-up of some of the top items on the site from the beginning.

To kick us off:

People Google the WEIRDEST stuff

Why are tadpoles in my toilet

One eyed jack squirts ketcup from eye

irish people using ketchup

how to break a coffee maker

phone scam vibrator

How to pay strippers in Canada

And along the same lines:

What part of Canada do strippers earn more money

A whole plethora of people Googled Women asking men to marry them on February 29th

Why your birthday is worth a day off school

Do Canadians drink coffee with ketchup? (DO THEY?!!)

How to stop timewasters and distractions (If they ended up here, they clearly didn’t achieve their original mission)

How do you spell crocodile pick up line

Kitten zombies

Picture of syringe crane

And finally:

Two of my friends’ FULL names were Googled also

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Number 2: Timewasters 06/05

Top Five Timewasters

1. ‘Dear God, So who made the dinosaurs…’

2. Timewasters 04/05 and Part 2: 06/05

3. Tuesday Timewasters: The Viral Edition 06/19

4. Tuesday Timewasters 06/26

5. Tuesday Timewasters 03/13

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Number 3: ‘Where’s the outcry? WHERE?!’

Top Posts

1. ‘I just forked my hair.’

2. ‘You know, girls can ask guys to marry them on February 29th.’

3. Where’s the outcry? WHERE?!

4. ‘I’ve taken up origami…’

5. ‘People are more into buffet religion nowadays.’

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Top Quotes (excluding the Wall of Quotes)

1. ‘I did my homework with a paintbrush.’

2. ‘It’s so bling bling.’

3. ‘Relax!!!’

4. Top 11 Quotes from the Wall

5. ‘She’s a ninja.’

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Number 1: Pork Burgers

Top Cookin’ in Korea

 1. Pork Burgers / Pork Meatballs / The BEST 4-Ingredient Tomato Sauce EVER

2. Oh-So-Simple Banana Bread

3. Cherry Muffins with Coconut Topping

4. Lucy’s Mum’s Chili Con Carne

5. The Om Nom Nomelette