Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids quotes random

Flashback Friday: ‘I did my homework with a paintbrush.’ – June 15th 2012

Welcome to Flashback Friday: A look back at some of the most popular posts in the archive

This Quote Friday from June 15th 2012 (original link) proved to be one of the most read Quote Friday’s on the entire site:

For anyone who wasn’t following Quote Friday, it was a weekly round-up of the funniest things my elementary school students said to me that week. They were all aged 6-12 and were in my English class in South Korea.

First up, a non-school quote:

Girl at party last weekend: ‘Where are you from?’

Me: ‘Ireland.’

Girl: ‘Oh, Ireland, Texas?’

Me: ‘No, Ireland the country.’

…Pause…

Girl: ‘You must think I’m really stupid.’

Me: ‘Actually, I’ve been asked that exact question before.’

***

In the middle of repeating vocabulary:

Kid: ‘Teacher, I’m hungry.’

Me: ‘That’s nice. I don’t care.’

Kid: ‘You don’t have food??’

Me: ‘I’m not giving you food!’

Suddenly, a piece of candy hits him on the side of the head. We all turn to see one little boy has throw a candy at him. The kid picks it up and throws it back at kid 2. I take it away from them both and put it on my desk.

Kid 2 has a funny look on his face. I look at him, quizzically. He lifts his hand to reveal a second candy, smiles and then bursts out laughing.

***

Me: ‘What’s skipping?”

Papa Smurf
Do I look like I skip to you?!

Entire class, breaking into The Smurfs theme song: ‘La la la la la la la la la la la!!’

Me: ‘What? That’s The Smurfs! Skipping is this.’

I skip across the classroom.

Kid: ‘Yes, you look like a Smurf.’

Me: ‘Did you just call me a Smurf?’

Kid: ‘Yes, look.’

He gets up and skips across the classroom just like I did.

Kid: ‘See, like a Smurf.’

I look unconvinced.

Kid: ‘I’ll do one more time.’

He does.

Kid: “See. A Smurf.’

***

Kid: ‘I did my homework with a paintbrush.’

Me: ‘What?’

Kid: “I didn’t have a pencil.’

***

One kid touches another kid’s arm.

Kid: ‘Teacher, he’s touching ME!!! Teacher, he’s GAY!!’

***

While studying ‘like’:

Me: ‘What does your mommy like?’ (options on the page include a variation of fruits and vegetables)

Kid: ‘My mom likes money.’

Kid 2: ‘My mom doesn’t like dad.’

***

Two boys are hitting each other with pencils.

Me: “What are you doing?!’

Kid: ‘We’re swordfighting!!’

***

There is paper ALL over my floor.

Me: “What the hell is all this on my floor?!!’

Kid 1: ‘Oh my God, you said a bad word!!’

Me: ‘No, I didn’t.’

Kid 1: ‘Yes, you did! You said ‘what the hell’!’

Me: ‘No, I didn’t!!’

Kid 1: ‘I hear you!!!’

Kid 2: ‘The fan and the paper and whoooosh and paper on floor.’

Kid 1: ‘YOU SAID A BAD WORD!!’

***

From The Canadian One and his Kindergarten students:

I was teaching my students can and will.

One wrote ‘I can ride a bike’ and then, ‘Soon I will smoke.’

That’s a good goal!
***
While I’m checking off a name, a kid grabs a marker and proceeds to write on the board. She’s written the first letter, a ‘C’, when I grab her hand.
Me: ‘WAIT!’
The kid looks down to see she’s holding a permanent marker.
Kid: ‘Oh no!!’
Me: ‘Oh my God!’
Kid: ‘Wait, I can fix.’
Me: ‘What?’
The kid grabs a normal board marker, colors in the ‘C’ and erases the whole thing off the board. It’s spotless and no trace is left.
Me: ‘Wow, that’s magic!!’
Kid 2: ‘It’s no magic, it’s SCIENCE!!’ (shaking her head at me!)
***
A kid is looking under the desk and making a disgusted face. She puts up her hand.
Kid: ‘Teacher, come here. Look.’ (pointing under the desk)
I look at her skeptically.
Kid: ‘It’s ok. No bug.’
***
A kid speaks Korean in my class several times so as punishment I make her stand up with one hand on her head and the other over her mouth. She’s wearing a green sweater. Her friend next to her bursts into laughter.
Kid: ‘Hahahaha, she look like a cactus!!!!’
***
For more Quote Friday, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids quotes

Watch Out For The Hedgehog: Chapter Five – On Grammar

hedgehog (4)

A serialistion of the popular Quote Friday book: Watch Out For The Hedgehog, four years of hilarious kids’ quotes from the ESL elementary school classroom in South Korea.

Chapter Five: On Grammar

While reviewing the present continuous, I point to a girl sitting at her desk.

Me: “What is she doing?”

Kid 1: “She is living.”

Kid 2: “Amy, look at teacher.”

Amy looks at me.

Kid 2: “She is looking at you!”

***

While teaching the present continuous, we were playing charades. As an example I acted out ‘dancing’:

Me: “What am I doing?”

Kid: “You are annoying.”

***

Me: “What’s the difference between ‘this’ and ‘that’?”

Kid: “One has an ‘s’…so spelling.”

***

Me: “What do you use a blender for?”

Kid 1: “Milkshake.”

Kid 2: “Strawberries.”

Kid 3: “Oh teacher, hamster!!!”

Me: “What?”

Kid 3: “Seriously, my neighbor. Hamster. Maaaaany blood teacher.”

***

Me: “OK, give me an example sentence of what scares you.”

Little Boy: “Women scare me.”

***

While teaching: ‘If you combine….you will get….’:

Kid: “If you combine blood and cheese, you will get strange food.”

***

While teaching ‘…is important for…’:

Kid’s example: “A badge is important for saving your life.”

Me: “Um….what?”

Kid: “If you are in a gun fight and you have a star badge, it can save your life.”

Followed by a demonstration of how if a bullet hits a badge, it can bounce off and not hurt you.

Long pause.

Me: “OK, I’ll allow it…but ONLY if you’re in a gun fight.”

***

While teaching the word ‘bother’:

Me: “Give me an example sentence using bother.”

Kid: “Teacher, you bother me by teaching me English.”

***

***

Kid: “What does ‘my tiny nipples went to France’ mean?”

While teaching: ‘If I could do anything tomorrow, I would _________ ‘:

My example sentence: “If I could do anything tomorrow, I would fly to the moon.”

Long pause.

Kid puts his hand up.

Kid: “But teacher, there’s swine flu.”

***

During a fill in the blanks question in the book:

Me: “I _____________ like my mother….What’s the answer? I….”

WHOLE CLASS: “DON’T!!”

Me: “Um….no…Try again…”

Kid: “No…wait…look….I look like my mother!”

Keep in mind; we’d been studying ‘look like’ for about a week!

***

While teaching ‘be good at..’:

Me: “What are you good at?”

Naughtiest (but smartest) kid in my class: “I’m good at making teacher angry.”

Girl: “I’m good at sleeping.”

Third Kid: “I’m good at doing this.” (he puts his head on the desk and looks bored…)

***

While teaching ‘escape plan’ in relation to fire safety:

Me: “What’s the escape plan for here?”

Kid 1:”Go out door, turn right, go down stairs, turn left, go outside.”

Me: “Good. And what’s the escape plan for your apartment?”

Kid 2: “I live on floor 21. I will just die.”

***

Me: “What can you do?”

Kid 1: “I can make CO2!”

Kid 2: “I can fix a TV. I can hit it!”

***

Me: “Give me a sentence with ‘trip’ in it.”

Kid 1: “Fell down, trip, same.”

Me: “No, a sentence.”

Kid 2: “Fell down is the same as trip.”

Pause.

Kid 2: “It’s a sentence!”

***

While learning ‘I used to’ with my grade fours:

Boy 1: “I used to hate math. Now, I like math.”

Me: “Really?”

Boy 2 sitting in front of him turns around, raises his eyebrows and stares at him skeptically…then shakes his head slowly.

Boy 1: “Yes, really.”

Me: “Ok, next?”

Boy 2: “I used to don’t like computer games. Now, I like computer games.”

Boy 1 jumps from his seat, pointing at Boy 2.

Boy 1: “LYING!!!! Him all the time like computer games. Lying, Teacher!”

***

I show my students a picture of earmuffs.

Me: “What is it?”

Kid 1: “Headphones…no…no wait a minute.”

Kid 2: “I don’t know.”

I write ‘earmuffs’ on the board.

Kid 3: “Earmuffins?”

Me: “Earmuffs.”

ALL: “Earmuffs.”

Kid 2: “Earsmurfs!!”

Me: “No no, earMUFFS.”

Kid 1: “Earsmurfs!!”

Me: “No, no…”

Kid 2: “I don’t like Smurfs. They’re blue and skin like a snail. And no clothes, Teacher. No clothes. Only hat and pants. Where do they poop???!! I don’t like them.”

Me: “Noooo, but they’re cute.”

Kid 2: “They are not cute. They are horrible. No clothes. I like Gargamel. He usually wears clothes.”

Kid 3: “I like his cat.”

Me: “Me too!”

Kid 2: “Teacher, it is disgusting. They have no clothes.”

Kid 1: “I like Pororo.”

Me: “He’s a penguin. He has no clothes.”

Kid 2: “But that’s OK. He’s cute. And when he take off his glasses and then, he’s more cute.”

Kid 3: “Earsmurfs!!”

Me: “EarMUFFS!!”

Kid 3: “Teacher, if you move ‘s’, it’s earsmuffs.”

Me: “What about the ‘r’?”

Kid 3: “No ‘r’.”

Me: “They’re SmuRfs not SMUFFS.”

Kid 3: “No, Smuffs.”

Me: “SMURFS!!”

Kid 3: “You’re wrong!”

Me: “I AM NOT! Everybody, EARMUFFS.”

ALL: “EARSMURFS!!”

***

While teaching, “I am……because I…….”:

Kid: “I am amazing because I learned earsmurfs!”

Me: “What the….NO!!!”

***

Me: “Who can make a sentence with ‘how much’ in it?”

Little boy (pointing at little girl next to him): “How much is it?”

***

Kid: “I no understand.”

I look at the book.

Me: “OK, so do you go walking?”

Kid: “Yes.”

Me: “Does your friend go walking?”

Kid YELLS across entire classroom: “LUCAS DO YOU GO WALKING???!!”

Lucas: “Yes.”

Kid (to me): “Yes.”

***

While studying ‘like’:

Me: “What does your mommy like?” (options on the page include a variation of fruits and vegetables)

Kid 1: “My mom likes money.”

Kid 2: “My mom doesn’t like dad.”

***

During a tick-the-boxes worksheet:

CD: ‘It’s warm in spring’

Choices a) A snowy picture or b) A spring picture.

Me: “What’s the answer?”

Kid 1: “B.”

Me: “And what’s the sentence?”

Pause

Kid 2: “IT’S B.”

I look at him.

Kid 2: “It’s a sentence!”

***

Two little boys are practicing sentences together.

Kid 1: “He goes go camping.”

Kid 2: “NO!”

Kid 1: “He goes go camping.”

Kid 2: “NOOOO!”

Kid 1: “It says!!! He goes go camping.”

Kid 2: “NO GO!! NOOOOO GOOOOOOO!!!”

Kid 1: “He goes…camping?”

Kid 2 exhales.

***

Me, while doing a unit on ‘should get’: “What should I get my brother for his birthday?”

Kid: “A girlfriend.”

***

While doing finish the sentence: ‘If I could do anything, I would…’

Kid: “Stay home.”

***

While teaching, ‘I wish I could…’:

Kid 1: “I wish I could fly a helicopter.”

Kid 2: “You no fly a helicopter! It’s dangerous!! You…ahhhhhhhh…”

Kid 3, lying on his desk: “I wish I could go home!!”

***

While telling me three things their partner would do:

Kid: “If she could do anything, she would hit Helen.”

Helen, the kid sitting in front of him turns around and stares at him.

Kid: “Really.”

Me: “What ELSE does your partner want to do?”

Kid: “If she could do anything, she would hit me.”

His partner nods.

Me: “And the third thing?”

Kid: “Only those two.”

***

Me: “What’s ‘I’ll never forget’ mean?”

Kid: “My head will never erase.”

***

While explaining ‘move away.’

Me: “Like if you moved from Seoul to Busan.”

Kid: “It’s 10 kilometers.”

Me: “No…No, it’s not.”

Kid: “Yes!”

Me: “No. It’s 87 kilometers to Cheonan.”

Kid: “No…really?”

Me: “Yeah, I lived there. I know how far it is.”

Kid: “10 kilometers to Busan.”

Me: “No.”

Kid: “No, by airplane.”

Me: “That…no, it’s still the same distance. Even by airplane.”

***

While teaching ‘I’m not __________ yet’:

Kid: “I’m not psycho yet.”

***

Watch Out For The Hedgehog, out now at Smashwords (for 50% off at Smashwords, use coupon code ‘HX78J’)Amazon Barnes & Noble and Kobo.

For more, check out:

Chapter One: On Love and Relationships

Chapter Two: On Historical Events

Chapter Three: On World Geography

Chapter Four: On Vocabulary 

Categories
funny humor kids quotes South Korea

Watch Out For The Hedgehog – Chapter Four: On Vocabulary

hedgehog (4)

A serialistion of the popular Quote Friday book: Watch Out For The Hedgehog, four years of hilarious kids’ quotes from the ESL elementary school classroom in South Korea.

Chapter Four: On Vocabulary

Almost every day, the kids learn six new vocabulary words. In the next class, we usually review them.

Me: “What’s different about ‘church’ and ‘Buddhist temple’?”

Kid: “Temple they have shiny heads.”

***

Me: “What’s ‘back to life’?”

Kid: “Zombies.”

Me: “No, zombies are dead.”

Kid: “Teacher, they have an onion allergy!”

***

Me: “What are eyebrows?”

Kid: “People’s eye fur.”

***

Me: “What’s a zookeeper?”

Kid: “The keeper of the zoo.”

***

One of my classrooms has the electrical box in it and recently a timer has been fitted to it. Walked into class to see all my students crowded around it, staring.

Kid: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a timer. It goes to a certain time and then the lights go out.”

Kid: “Like a bomb?”

Me: “No, it just shuts off the electricity.”

Kid: “Like a bomb.”

Me: “No, it’s a timer.”

50 minutes later: Kid: “Teacher, the bomb says class is over.”

***

Me: “Give me a sentence with ‘require’ in it.”

Kid: “Teacher, in a love letter, man writes to woman, I require you.”

***

Me: “Give me an example sentence with ‘suddenly’ in it.”

Kid: “Suddenly I died.”

***

Me: “What lives in the sea?”

Kid: “A corrupt official.”

***

I asked my class what is ‘dark’. One student stood up, all excited and proceeded to explain the word dark using very animated hand gestures and random English words. He made no sense but I could tell he knew what it meant. His friend calmly raised his hand. I looked at him and he leaned over to the light switch next to him, knocked off the light…and then looked at his friend.

***

Me: “What’s shiny?”

Kid 1: “Diamonds.”

Kid 2: “Ring.”

Kid 3: “Silver.”

Kid 4: “Gold.”

Kid 5: “IRONMAN!!!”

***

Me: “What do you call a child with no parents?”

Kid: “Irish?”

Me: “Um…no. I’m Irish.”

Kid: “No, Colin’s Irish.” (The other foreign teacher at the school)

Me: “No, I’m Irish too.”

Kid stares and shakes his head.

***

Me, to my 7 year olds: “What’s the sun?”

Kid: “It’s the yellow ball in the sky that heats the earth”

***

While teaching the smartest two kids, both 12, in the school in an extra class.

Me: “What kind of things does a designer design?”

AT THE SAME TIME: Boy: “Dresses.” Girl: “Cars!”

Me: “Huh, I woulda thought it’d be the other way around.”

Girl, while laughing: “Yes, I should say dresses and he should say cars.”

***

Me: “What’s a chef?”

Kid: “The restaurant king.”

***

BEST definition of sheep from my student:

Kid: “It’s like a cotton bug….”

PAUSE

Kid: “Baaaaaaaaa.”

And then he drew a picture for me.

***

Me: “Give me a sentence with ‘create’ in it.”

8-year-old kid: “My mother created me.”

***

Me: “What is ‘soup’?”

8-year-old kid: “Andy Warhol likes soup.”

***

Me: “What’s a ‘tail’?”

Kid: “A dog’s antenna.”

***

During the Thierry Henry cheating in the World Cup qualifying playoffs scandal:

Me: “What is ‘cunning’?”

Kid, without missing a beat: “Henry.”

***

Me: “Name something that holds over a liter of liquid.”

Kid: “A person.”

Me: “What? Liquid.”

Kid: “Their blood.” – my seven-year-old student during a math class.

***

Me: “Give me a sentence with ‘hide’ in it.”

Kid: “I hide my panties.”

***

Me: “Give me a sentence with ’empty’ in it.”

Kid: “My head empty.”

And then he stares at the wall looking stoned for a minute.

***

Me: “What’s ‘addition’?”

Kid: “Add…plus i-t-i-o-n.”

Me: “No.”

Kid: “IT’S TRUE!!”

Me: “Well, yes, but not the answer I want.”

Kid: “Give me a point please.”

Me: “No!”

***

Me: “What does ‘adult’ mean?”

Kid 1: “Butterfly.”

Kid 2: “Wing.”

Kid 3: “Blue.”

Me: “Ummm, no. I’m an adult.”

Kid 1: “Ohhh, old.”

Me: “What?”

Kid 2: “Young, very very young….can I have a point?”

***

Me: “What’s a campfire?”

Kid: “Ou ou, teacher, people drink the many alcohol and do the crazy singing.”

***

Me, teaching the word ‘sew’: “Sew.”

Kid 1: “Teacher, movie, Sew…”

Me: “Ummm…you mean Saw?”

Kid 2: “Yes teacher, Jigsaw, very cute, little red paint on face, very cute.”

***

Me: “What’s a ‘buffalo’?”

Kid: “We eat them. At Outback. Buffalo wings. Very delicious.”

***

Me: “What has four pairs of wheels?”

Kid: “A transformer.”

***

Having just learned the word ‘tasty’ little boy points at little girl next to him and says: “You are not tasty.”

***

Me: “What’s a ‘broom’?”

Kid: “A small car.”

Me: “What? No.”

Kid: “YES!! Small car, broom-broom!”

***

Me: “What’s a word starting with ‘f’?”

Kid: “F**k.”

PAUSE

Me: “Well, yes, but I can’t write that down on the board…Next?”

***

Me: “What’s a ‘bouquet’?”

Kid: “When a man and woman love, they wedding and woman throw bouquet at her friends and one friend will catch and the next year friend will wedding.”

Me: “Um…yes, or it’s a bunch of flowers.”

***

Me: “What’s a ‘principal’?”

Kid: “School king.”

Me: “Right, so do you like your principal?”

Kid: “No.”

Me: “Why not?”

Kid: “He has a shiny head.”

Me: “You mean he has no hair?”

Kid: “Yes, and his head, shiny!!”

***

Me: “What is ‘run-down’?”

Kid: “It’s when you run and fall down. Runnnnnnn…..then downnnnnn. Run down.”

This was accompanied by him acting out his fingers running and falling off the desk. Totally not the right answer but an amusing two minutes of class anyway!

***

While reviewing community jobs (police officer/firefighter/etc):

Me: “Who do we ask for help if we are lost?”

Kid: “Car navigation.”

***

Me: “Name a community job. A job that helps the community.”

Kid: “Hof house master!!!”

Pause.

Me: “A barman.”

***

Me: “What floats on water?”

Kid 1: “Juice!”

Me: “Ummm, no….actually I don’t know…but I’m gonna say no. Anything else?”

Kid 2: “Poseidon!!”

Me: “The ship?”

Kid 2: “No, king of the sea!!!”

Me: “I don’t think he floats.”

Kid 2: “HE’S THE KING!!”

***

Studying the environment:

Me: “What’s ‘glass’?”

Kid 1: “A wine bottle!”

Me: “OK, what’s metal?”

Same kid: “Terminator!”

Kid 2: “A transformer!!!”

Kid 3: “That thing from Alien.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll also accept ‘a car'”

Whole class: “Oohhhhhhhh yeah!”

***

We’re studying town buildings / places.

Me: “What’s a ‘post office’?”

Little Girl: “Love letter!”

Me: “OK, what’s a ‘park’? ”

Little Girl: “Couples walk!”

***

Me: “What’s ‘rent’?”

Nothing.

Me: “OK, for example, Chris, I will rent your pencil for this class for $2.”

Chris: (shaking his head and moving the pencil away from the edge of his desk) “No.”

Me: “No, no, I won’t keep the pencil. I’ll give you $2 and I’ll borrow your pencil for one class.”

Chris: “No, give me $5.”

***

Me: “Name something yellow.”

Kid: “A color.”

***

I draw a mitten on the board.

Me: “What’s this?”

Little Girl: “A hand jacket.”

***

While doing listen and repeat:

Me: “Wound.”

Class: “Wound.”

Me: “Bleeding.”

Class: “Bleeding.”

Me: “Sawdust.”

Class: “Sawdust!”

I drop the open-topped board marker. It bounces off my skirt and lands on the floor.

Me: “Oh shi…” (and I stop before I finish the swear word)

Class: “Ocean!”

Me: “Ummm…”

***

Me: “Name something blue.”

Kid: “Blue paint.”

***

I draw a feather on the board.

Kid: “Ou, koala candy!!”

I point at the feather.

Me: “That’s a feather.”

I draw a leaf.

Me: “That’s a leaf.”

Kid shakes his head.

Kid: “Same.”

***

Kid: “What is it?”

Me: “A hoodie.”

Kid: “Why?”

Me: “Why is it called a hoodie? Because it has a hood, I guess.”

Kid: “No, really why??”

Me: “I think that’s why.”

Kid: “Ask Google!”

***

Me: “What’s made of glass?”

Kid: “A smartphone screen.”

***

Me: “What’s the difference between a library and a bookstore?”

Kid: “The name.”

***

Me: “Name an actor.”

Kid: “Megamind.”

***

I taught a movie scriptwriting class to some teenage Italian students one year during summer school. While working on their scripts, one of the boys asked:

Kid: “Teacher, Viagra in English is what?”

Me: “Viagra.”

Kid: “Ahhh, good. How do you spell?”

Me: “Why?”

Kid: “My story, baby eat the Viagra and become ninja and kill people.”

Pause

Me: “V-I-A-G-R-A.”

***

Kid: “How do you spell transsexual?”

Unfortunately this conversation took place in the Teacher’s Room later:

Me: “Transsexual has just one ‘s’, right?”

Other Teacher: “No, two, why?”

Me: “Dammit!”

Other Teacher: “You spelled it wrong, didn’t you? You know the rules, teach it wrong, you gotta reteach it the next class!”

***

Kid, in response to what happens next in the soap opera picture: “I think priest make girl pregnant and she….um….what’s….no baby….um….oh, abortion!”

***

Me (teaching them the word ‘fancy’): “Fancy.”

All: “FANCY.”

One little boy: “Teacher! Alex say PANTIE!!!”

***

Me: “What’s ‘grass’?”

Kid: “If you have the many money and the big house, you have many grass.”

***

Me: “What’s a baby frog called?”

Kid: “A snake!”

***

Me: “What’s an animal doctor called?”

Kid: “A vacation…no….wait….”

***

Me: “What’s a vegetable?”

Little boy: “I don’t like vegetables.”

Little boy next to him: “I don’t like YOU.”

***

Me: “What’s ‘skipping’?”

Entire class, breaking into The Smurfs theme song: “La la la la la la la la la la la!!”

Me: “What? That’s The Smurfs! Skipping is this.”

I skip across the classroom.

Kid: “Yes, you look like a Smurf.”

Me: “Did you just call me a Smurf?”

Kid: “Yes, look.”

He gets up and skips across the classroom just like I did.

Kid: “See, like a Smurf.”

I look unconvinced.

Kid: “I’ll do one more time.”

He does.

Kid: “See. A Smurf.”

***

Me: “Do you have a pet?”

Kid: “No. My friend have hamster but it die. It live on veranda and cold and die.”

Sad but really, all I could think was, ‘how do you know the word veranda?!!’

***

Me: “What can you do in winter?”

Kid 1: “Ohhhh ummmmm teacher….ummmm….it….snow….and ummm….ohhhhhhh play…..um…….snow……..SNOW SURVIVOR!!!”

Kid 2: (looking at her friend) “Snowfight.”

***

While teaching hobbies:

Me: “What would you like to collect?”

Kid: “Money.”

***

While trying to help another kid spell ‘quiet’, the kid writes a ‘p’ on the board.

Kid 2: “No, NO!! Q!!! Q!!!! No P!!! Q….it’s P’s friend!!”

***

I draw a fat person and a thin person on the board.

Kid: “A SNOOOOW PERSON!!”

***

From a written task, describing her friend: ‘She likes brutal.’

Me: “She likes brutal? What?”

Kid mimes killing and stabbing.

Me: “Oh, violence….v-i-o-l-e-n-c-e.”

***

Kid: “My school teacher called me…um….Goguma….It’s potato’s brother.”

Me: “Goguma? That’s a sweet potato. Your school teacher called you a sweet potato?!”

Kid: “He said I am sweet potato!”

Me: “Why?”

Kid: “I DON’T KNOW!!”

***

Kid 1: “Teacher, how do spell crocodile?”

Me: “C-R-O-C-O-D-I-L-E.”

Kid 2: “SLOWLY!!!!!”

Kid 1: “C-R-O-C-O-D-I-L-E!!”

***

My grade two student and I have communication issues.

Kid: “Zebra spelling?”

Me: “Zed-E-B-R-A.”

Kid looks at me for a moment.

Kid: “Zed? Like Zee? Same?”

Me: “Yes.”

***

Kid 1: “How do you spell crab?”

Me: “Crab?”

Kid 1: “No, crab.”

Me: “Crab?” (doing an impression of a crab)

Kid 1: “NO, CRAB!!!”

Me: “Crab???”

Kid 2 looks over at Kid 1′s book.

Kid 2: “Giraffe.”

Kid 1: “Oh, yes, giraffe. How do you spell giraffe?”

5 minutes later:

Kid 1: “How do you spell crab?”

Me: “Crab?” (doing the same impression of a crab)

Kid 1: “Yes.”

***

Kid: “Is b-boy a job?”

***

Me: “Name a job.”

Kid: “Mayor!!”

***

Kid: “How do you spell TV?”

Kid next to him: “TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV!!!!”

***

Me: “What makes you relaxed?” (question in the book)

Kid: “Studying English makes me relaxed.”

Me: “Really?…”

Kid: “Yes, it’s very fun.”

***

Me: “What’s an adult?”

Kid: “A big human.”

***

I draw a window on the board.

Kid: “Ou, Denmark!”

***

Me: “What’s a mystery?”

Kid: “How to make a baby.”

***

Me: “Who made the pyramids?”

Kid: “Aliens. Aliens built pyramids.”

***

After explaining to my grade ones what ‘son’ means.

One little boy: “I have a son.”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Boy: “YES, I DO!”

And then he mimics rocking a baby.

***

While explaining what ‘shelf’ is to my grade ones, a kid starts shaking his head.

Kid 1: “No. No no no.”

Kid 2: “Yes.”

Kid 1: “No!”

They hold a brief discussion in Korean with the first little kid pointing at my scarf and yelling, “JENNY TEACHER, LOOK!!” at the other kid.

Kid 2: “NO! SCARF!!!”

Kid 1 looks at me.

Me: “He’s right, this is a scarf.”

***

I’m explaining ‘roll over’ to my students. They all nod.

One smart-alec little kid: “I can’t understand…Do.”

***

Me: “What’s a vegetable?”

Kid: “Obama.” (and he KNOWS what a ‘vegetable’ is)

***

Me: “What’s a desert?”

Kid: “The sand land!!!”

***

Me: “What’s a pyramid?”

Kid: “Egypt king die house.”

***

On the day it was reported that the rain contained radioactive materials and you shouldn’t touch it.

Kid: “Teacher teacher, water, rain, touch, me die.”

Me: “Um, no.”

Kid: “REALLY?!! I die!!”

***

In the middle of repeating vocabulary:

Kid: “Teacher, I’m hungry.”

Me: “That’s nice. I don’t care.”

Kid: “You don’t have food??”

Me: “I’m not giving you food!”

Suddenly, a piece of candy hits him on the side of the head. We all turn to see one little boy has thrown a candy at him. The kid picks it up and throws it back at kid 2. I take it away from them both and put it on my desk.

Kid 2 has a funny look on his face. I look at him, quizzically. He lifts his hand to reveal a second candy, smiles and then bursts out laughing.

***

Me: “What’s ‘back to life’?”

Kid 1: “A ghost?”

Me: “No.”

Kid 2: “Dead…then no dead.”

Me: “YES!”

Kid 3: “Zombie.”

Me: “OK.”

Kid 4: “Jesus.”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid 1: “Jesus was a zombie!!”

Me: “No…well, maybe.”

Kid 1: “Yes teacher, Jesus was a zombie!”

Me: “Fine, but …don’t tell your mommy I said that!”

***

Me: “What’s ‘proud’?”

Kid 1: “Prize.”

Kid 2: “Prize?”

Kid 1: “Prize. Yes.”

Kid 2: “Chicken?”

Kid 1: “What?”

Kid 2: “Fried chicken?”

Kid 1: “No, no FRIED, PRIZE.”

***

Me: “What’s ‘hungry’?”

Kid: “Stomach…grrrrrrr.”

***

Kid: “Teacher, volcano is…”

Looong pause.

Kid: “…fire water?”

Me: “Yes.”

***

Me: “What’s a sheep?”

Kid: “Lambs grow.”

***

Me: “What’s ‘dry’?”

Kid: “A grape.”

***

Me: “What’s ‘patient’?”

Kid 1: “Many blood.”

Me: “No.”

Pause.

Me: “It’s like if you’re at a bus stop and you wait and wait and wait and you don’t get angry.”

Kid 2: “Ah, disabled.”

Me: “No…”

***

Me: “What’s ‘healthy’?”

A kid jumps from his seat and does a dramatic reenactment of drowning and lies down dead on the floor. I peer over the desk at him and he jumps back up to his feet.

Kid: “Help me! Help me!”

Pause.

Me: “Healthy.”

Kid: “Oh…no”

***

Kid 1: “What’s ‘surfing’?”

Kid 2: “Surfing. On the beach.”

Kid 3: “NOOOOOO!” (makes typing motion with her fingers) “Da da da da chick chick chick, the Internet.”

***

Me: “What are ‘twins’?”

Little boy stands up and makes a motion to signal being fat. He then points to either side of his stomach.

Kid: “Mommy…two…”

***

Me: “What smells bad?”

Kid: “Alcohol.”

Me: “OK.”

Kid: “But not beer. Other…”

Me: “Soju?”

Kid: “Yes.”

***

Kid: “Teacher…bad word? As*hole? Bad word yes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Son of a b*tch?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “OK good.”

***

Me: “What’s ‘terrible’?”

Kid 1: “War.”

Kid 2: “Die.”

Kid 3: “Kill.”

Kid 4: “Kim Jong-Un.”

Kid 5: “Rain….wet….”

Watch Out For The Hedgehog, out now at Smashwords (for 50% off at Smashwords, use coupon code ‘HX78J’), Amazon Barnes & Noble and Kobo.

Just as a side note, vocabulary, grammar and spelling aren’t really my forte. Ohhhhh the irony! To avoid potentially embarrassing, ‘hey you spelled that incorrectly’ emails, I tried Grammarly’s plagiarism checker free of charge because I’ve learned just because I say something out loud and it sounds both correct and original, doesn’t actually mean it is. It’s always nice to have another pair of ‘eyes’ look over things for you.

Don’t miss next week’s: Chapter Five: On Grammar

For more, check out:

Chapter One: On Love and Relationships

Chapter Two: On Historical Events

Chapter Three: On World Geography

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes

Watch Out For The Hedgehog – Chapter Three: On World Geography

hedgehog (4)
A serialistion of the popular Quote Friday book: Watch Out For The Hedgehog, four years of hilarious kids’ quotes from the ESL elementary school classroom in South Korea.

Chapter Three: On World Geography

Me: “What’s your favorite country?”

Kid: “USA.”

Me: “Why?”

Kid: “It’s very big and the economy is strong.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s true.”

Kid: “It is!!”

***

Me: “Where’s London Zoo?”

Kid 1: “Jeju-do.”

Kid 2: “France.”

Kid 3: “Ou teacher, teacher, Mexico!!”

Me: “England.”

Kid 1: “No.”

***

Me: “What’s America famous for?”

Kid 1: “Terrorists.”

Me: “No.”

Kid 2: “Big people.”

Me: “No.”

Kid 3: “New York.”

Kid 2: “No.”

***

The same month of the volcano erupting in Iceland, I started at a new school.

Student: “Teacher, what state in America are you from?”

Me: “I’m not American.”

Kid 1: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “I’m not American.”

Kid 1: “You’re not American?!!”

Me: “I’m from Ireland.”

Kid 2, whispering: “The fire island.”

Me: “That’s Iceland.”

***

Me: “So, why do tourists come to Korea?”

Kid 1: “I don’t know teacher, why did you come to Korea?”

Me: “No, I’m not a tourist. I came to teach English.”

Kid 1: “Tourists teach English?”

Me: “No, what do tourists do?”

Kid 2: “Speak English.”

Me: “Let’s start over….”

***

Me: “OK, so what do you know about Finland?”

Kid: “Xylitol is made there.”

Me: “OK.”

Kid: “Yeah, true, it is a white tree…look, I draw a picture.” He draws a tree. “See?”

Me: “OK.”

Kid: “I’m not lying, Teacher, it’s true.”

Me: “I believe you.”

***

Me: “Name a country in Africa.”

Kid: “South America.”

***

Me: “Name a state in America.”

Kid: “Loveland.”

Me: “What? Loveland?”

Kid: “Yes, it’s a state.”

Me: “No it’s not!”

Kid: “Yes, teacher, my mother and my father go to Loveland and give birth to my brother.”

Pause.

Me: “Your mother and your father went to Loveland in America and had your brother?”

Kid: “Yes…it’s a state.”

I literally couldn’t teach for five minutes I was laughing so much!

***

Me: “When is a strong current good?”

Kid: “Ou teacher, it can give our African friends water!!”

Me: “…?”

***

After I pronounce “either” ahy-ther not ee-ther while reading:

Kid: “In Ireland, it’s ahy-ther?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Same spelling?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Same meaning?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “But say differently?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Like wa-ter and wa-der?”

Me: “Yes.”

Loooong pause.

Other kid, shaking his head: “Irish is strange!”

***

Kid: “Teacher, if North Korea attacks, you will go home, yes?”

***

Kid: “Teacher, your country has no money. They say to IMF give me money please. Beg. Give me money please!”

***

I show my students a picture of a small, country American school.

Kid: “Oh my God, it’s an ant school!!”

***

Kids all have their books open on the wrong page.

Kids: “Teacher, loooooooook, IRELAND!!!”

I look. It’s a page all about Ireland.

Kid: “Teacher, it’s you!!”

Me: “Oh, yeah!”

Kid: “Teacher, boy’s name is Kevin?” (reading the story)

Me: “Eh, yeah, his name is Kevin. Why?”

Kid: “My boyfriend’s English name is Kevin.” (She’s 8)

Later: We listen to the CD reading of the story by an Irish boy with a thick Irish accent.

Entire Class: “WHAT?! WHAT?!! I NO UNDERSTAND!!!”

Me: “Yeah, I’ll just read it to you instead!”

***

Me: “Do you know the United Kingdom?”

Kid 1: “Yes, it’s the same as Lego Kingdom.”

Me: “Not exactly.”

Kid 2: “Oh, a king and queen!! And a wall.”

***

Me: “OK, where am I from?”

Kid 1: “Canada.”

Me: “No!”

Kid 2: “England!”

Kid 3: “Ireland!”

Me: “Yes!! OK, now where is Ireland?”

Kid 1: “Asia!”

Me: “This is Asia!”

Kid 2: “North America!!!”

Me: “North America??!!”

Kid 3: “Europe!!!” (puts his head on the desk!)

***

Kid, (who failed his test) counting the pages left in the book: “Eight pages.”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Teacher, where you live?”

Me: “You mean where do I live in Korea or where is my home?”

Kid: “Your home.”

Me: “Ireland.”

Kid: “In eight pages, you go to Ireland?”

Me: “No. In eight pages, we get a new book.”

Kid: “Oh….”

***

Kid 1: “Teacher, why are you smiling?”

Me: “I’m happy.”

Kid 1: “Why are you happy?”

Me: “Because after this class, I go home.”

Kid 2: “To Canada?”

Me: “I’m not from Canada.”

Kid 2: “Oh Iceland?”

Kid 3: “IRELAND. Teacher live IRELAND!!”

Me: “Yes, I do, but I meant my home here. I’m not going back to Ireland after school.”

***

In my Grade 3 class, I have a Grade 1 student who’s too advanced to be in any other class. She attended my Grade 2 classes when she was in Kindergarten.

Grade 1 little girl: “Teacher, my new name is Erica.”

Grade 3 little girl: “Like America????”

***

I’m talking to one of my more advanced kids in class a little quicker than I speak to the other kids because she understands me.

Kid next to her: “Teacher, you speaking Netherlands??!”

***

Me: “What country do you live in?”

Kid: “Japan!”

Me: “NO!! This is Korea!!”

Kid next to her, pointing at her: “Japan spy!!!”

***

Me: “Where am I from?”

Kid: “Mexico!”

Entire class stares at her.

Other kid, slowly to the first kid: “Ireland.”

***

Kid: “I go to Canada. I see the Canada famous food. I eat the Canada famous food. I step on maple leaves.”

Me: “Have you been to Canada?”

Kid: “No.”

***

Me: “Where’s London?”

Kid: “New York City.”

***

Me: “Where’s San Francisco?”

Kid, looks at map: “Russia?”

***

Me: “Name a country.”

Kid puts up his hand, puts down his hand. Puts up his hand. Puts down his hand. Puts up his hand and nods.

Me: “Yes?”

Him: “KOREA!!”

***

Me: “Do you know Denmark?”

Kid: “Yes, elephants.”

Me: “Elephants?”

Kid: “Yes….Africa?”

Watch Out For The Hedgehog, out now at Smashwords (for 50% off at Smashwords, use coupon code ‘HX78J’), Amazon Barnes & Noble and Kobo.

For more, check out: 

Chapter One: On Love and Relationships

Chapter Two: On Historical Events

Categories
comedy funny humor kids quotes random

Watch Out For The Hedgehog – Chapter Two: On Historical Events

hedgehog (4)

A serialistion of the popular Quote Friday book: Watch Out For The Hedgehog, four years of hilarious kids’ quotes from the ESL elementary school classroom in South Korea. 

Chapter Two: On Historical Events

Me: “What was the first thing Neil Armstrong said when he stepped onto the moon?”

Kid: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Pause

Me: “No.”

***

From American History class:

Me: “Does anyone know what the Sioux Indians did?”

Kid: “Yes, they ate the Pilgrims.”

***

Me: “Why did the Pilgrims go to America?”

Kid: “To have dinner.”

***

Me: “Why did the Pilgrims leave England?”

Kid 1: “To find delicious freedom.”

Me: “Ummmm…..”

Kid 1: “No….religious freedom.”

Me: “Yes.”

Later: Another kid mishears ‘Pilgrims’ as ‘Penguins’, bursts into laughter.

Kid 2: “Teacher, the penguins left England to find delicious freedom!!!”

***

Me: “Who knows about the Mayflower? It brought the Pilgrims, the English people, to America where they met the American Indians and had the first ever Thanksgiving dinner.”

Kid: “Yes teacher, and the next day the Pilgrims killed all the Indians.”

Pause….

Me: “I don’t think it was the NEXT day…”

***

Kid 1: “What’s the chicken’s friend called?”

Me: “A turkey?”

Kid 1: “No no, that’s a movie.”

Me: “It’s a country.”

Kid 1: “No no, teacher, a movie.”

Kid screams, mimics killing people with a knife and laughs manically with a creepy grin on his face.

Me: “Oh wait, Chuckie?”

Kid 1: “YES!”

Me: “Yes, Chuckie is a movie. Turkey you can eat.”

Kid 2: “Ah, yes, it’s a bird, in the oven, long time, it’s nice.”

***

While teaching history on Monday:

Me: “OK so way way way back in time they had no electricity and no lights and no running water, no TV. When do you think way back in time was?”

Kid: “Wednesday!”

***

Me: “OK, so we live in the olden days and we have no cars and no trains and no planes. How do I get around?”

Kid 1: “Walking.”

Kid 2: “Horse and carriage.”

Me: “Excellent. So I’m in Seoul. Where can I go in a horse and carriage?”

Kid 3: “Mexico!”

Me: “From Seoul?!”

Kid 3: “Yes.”

Me: “But why??”

Kid 3: “It’s fun.”

Kid 4: “Oh, it take a long time!”

Watch Out For The Hedgehog, out now at Smashwords (for 50% off at Smashwords, use coupon code ‘HX78J’), Amazon , Barnes & Noble and Kobo.

For more, check out: 

Chapter One: On Love and Relationships

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes

Watch Out For The Hedgehog – Chapter One: On Love and Relationships

hedgehog (4)A serialistion of the popular Quote Friday book: Watch Out For The Hedgehog, four years of hilarious kids’ quotes from the ESL elementary school classroom in South Korea. 

Chapter One: On Love & Relationships 

In every school I’ve ever worked at the kids have always been a little more interested in my life than in anything they study in class. Usually after dispensing with pleasantries, names, where I’m from, etc, the kids undoubtedly wander upon the most asked question in Korea: ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’

Some kids ask it before they even find out where I’m from.

I was working in a private school for a while where the kids took extra lessons outside of elementary school. It was across the road from the elementary school. Two eleven-year-old boy students tried to set me up on a date with their elementary school’s native teacher:

Kid 1: “Teacher, Smith, very nice. You 26. He 27. Perfect. I will give you his phone number. Marry?”

Me: “Um…no.”

Kid 1: “You can be dating then. I will bring you his picture.”

Kid 2: “Oh yes teacher, it’s a romantic story….”

Kid 1: “You can write a love letter to him.”

***

Practicing conversations about letters and mail in class:

Boy 1: “Yes, I write letter. To my friend. She move to another land. She write to me ‘love me’. I was scared.”

Boy 2: “I write bottle letter. I throw at my friend’s house. It broke his window. Our friendship exploded. We are not friends.”

Kid: “Teacher, Irish tradition, get married where?”

Me: “In a church usually.”

Kid: “Ahhhh, Christian country…I see.”

Kid 2: “When you marry Smith Teacher, in church, yes?”

Me: “I am not marrying Smith Teacher.”

Kid: “But why?!!!”

***

Kid 1: “Teacher, you have boyfriend?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid 2: “He Korean?”

Me: “No, he’s Canadian.”

Kid 1: “Ou Teacher! He is handsome? Like a singer? His skin is bling bling?”

Me: “Ha, yes, he is very handsome.”

Kid 2: “REALLY??”

Me: “Of course!”

Kid 1: “Ou, you are lucky girl!”

***

Kid: “Teacher, you boyfriend, he will you marry me, you, ok??”

***

Kid 1: “Teacheryou like….boys….um….big arms?”

She makes a muscle gesture with arms.

Me: “Ehnonot really.”

Kid 2: “Teacher, you likeboysthey….ou, chocolate chest?!” She looks to her friend for help.

Kid 1: “SIX-PACK!!”

I was laughing so much and I couldn’t speak!

***

Diary quote: “When I 30 years old, I will wedding. I hope my bride will be beautiful” (He’s 10!)

***

Kid 1: “Teacher, your boyfriend name?”

Me: “Ian.”

One kid looks at me, then stands up, walks across the room to where I keep all the Grade One workbooks and starts sifting through them. He pulls one out of the stack and holds it up.

Kid 1: “Like this?”

I look at the book. It belongs to one of the little boys in the Grade One class named Ian.

Me: “YesHowdidyou know that I have a student called Ian?”

Kid 1: “I don’t know.”

He puts the book back.

Kid 2: “IAn.”

Me: “NoIan.”

I write it on the board.

Kid 2: “Hahahahaha Teacher, change ‘n’ to ‘m’ and write one more time, I AM IAN.”

Then she laughed for a full 30 seconds.

***

Kid: “Today is my mom and dad wedding anniversary but I’m not give my present but my parents say ‘we’re precious in your and be born’. That time my heart is moved and my heart happy cry.”

***

While watching a video about Koko, the talking Gorilla, and her owner, who’s a woman, Koko and the owner hug.

Kid 1, pointing at the TV: “They married?”

Me: “No.”

Kid 2: “She’s old.”

Like that’s the ONLY reason the woman and the gorilla aren’t married.

***

Kid: “Teacher, you boyfriend?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Handsome?”

Me: “Of course.”

Kid looks at me skeptically.

Kid: “Picture?”

Me: “No.”

***

Rumors spread through the school that the school had hired a ‘hot, Chinese-American boy’ as the new official school English teacher. This is two days later:

Kid 1: “Oh teacher, we have new English teacher.”

Me: “Really?”

Kid 1: “Yes, Haley Teacher.”

Me: “Oh, a girl?”

Kid 1: “No, a boy.”

Me: “Haley’s a girl’s name.”

Kid 2: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Fine.”

Kid 1: “Oh, teacher, you and Haley teacher, together, love.”

Me: “Umno.”

Kid 1: “Do you have boyfriend?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid 1: “Is he Korean?”

Me: “No, he’s Canadian.”

Kid 1: “Oh, Haley teacher too! Oh, teacher, boyfriend change. Canada. Canada. Boyfriend change!!!”

Me: “I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.”

Kid 1: “Think about it.”

Me: “OK.”

***

It’s break time and I’m sitting at my desk on the computer, writing school reports and drinking coffee. A kid stands in front of my desk. She’s not doing anything; she’s just standing there. The kids do that a lot. Just stand there and stare at me. Sometimes it’s weird. Other times, I just ignore them.

Kid: “Why you sadly?”

Me: “I’m not sad. I’m tired.”

Kid: “Why you tired?” She scrunches up her face and nods understandingly. “Teaching the kids?”

I laugh.

Me: “No, I’m just tired, that’s all.”

Kid: “No, bed early?”

Me: “No, get up very early.”

She nods and goes quiet. I return to writing my reports.

Kid: “Teacher, you boyfriend?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Really?!”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “You dangdangdada?” (the wedding song)

Me: “No.”

Kid: “When the dangdangdada?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Kid: “How long you boyfriend?”

Me: “Two years.”

Kid: “Two years? Really? You lovely?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “You boyfriend many many love?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Korean?”

Me: “Canadian.”

Kid: “Boyfriend look like?”

Me: “Tall.”

Kid: “Jenny teachertall…?”

Me: “Taller than me, yes.”

Kid: “And?”

Me: “Short hair.”

Kid: “And?”

Me: “Brown hair.”

Kid: “And?”

Me: “Go away.”

Kid: “Just one more..and?”

Me: “And, I don’t know.”

Kid: “Handsome eyes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Really?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Why no dangdangdada?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Kid: “But ring.” (pointing at the ring on my right hand)

Me: “Not wedding ring.”

She goes quiet.

Kid: “In December, you went to Canada.”

Me: “No, I didn’t.”

Kid: “YES!! You vacation!!”

Me: “No, no, I went to Ireland.”

Kid: “Ohhhh yeah, I think boyfriend Canada, you go to Canadain my headYou go to Canada?”

Me: “Yes. In March.”

Kid: “Visit boyfriend parents?”

Me: “No, to live.”

Kid: “WHAT?! WHY?! HOW?! Jenny teacher no English class???”

Me: “No. I’m leaving.”

Kid: “When?”

Me: “February 28.”

Kid: “Show me.”

Me: “Look, here, this day.” I show her the calendar.

Kid: “You go to Canada?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “With boyfriend.”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “To live?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “Dangdangdada?”

Me: “No.”

Kid: “Teacher, boyfriend meeting parents?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “THEN WHY NO DANGDANGDADA?!!”

***

Kid: “Teacher, me go to Canada and to you dangdangdada?”

***

I run into the school’s male foreign teacher on my way back from the bathroom and we were chatting. I come to class.

Entire class: “You and Haley teacher friends?”

Me: “Yes.”

One Kid: “LOVE!!”

Entire class: “NO!! Friends!”

Another boy pointing at the boy who said ‘love’: “He’s crazy!!”

***

Two kids are having a conversation while I’m correcting homework.

Kid 1: “I like tiger.”

Kid 2: “You like Tyler?” (Tyler is a kid in the class)

Kid 1: “No, tiger.”

Kid 2: “Tyler?!”

Kid 1: “TIGER!!”

Kid 2, turning to Tyler: “Oh Tyler, fantastic!!”

***

We read a role-play where a little girl calls a little boy and asks him to go to the park. I read the first line.

Me: “Hi Andy. Do you want to come to the park?”

A kid stands up and yells: “DATE!!!!!!!!”

***

Watch Out For The Hedgehog, out now at Smashwords (for 50% off at Smashwords, use coupon code ‘HX78J’), Amazon , Barnes & Noble and Kobo.

For more, check out:

Chapter Two: On Historical Events

Chapter Three: On World Geography 

Chapter Four: On Vocabulary

Categories
comedy funny humor kids timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – A Lil Something Extra!

Tuesday Timewasters: A Collection of the Random Things I found on the Web this week! 

Post-It Notes From A Stay-At-Home-Dad! OMG, this killed me! This is awesome, I found it, laughed and HAD to share! I felt like I’d be cheating on Timewasters if I just kept it all to myself!

ce9c1953d4371420425b6f37bf00a182Check out this interview with the Stay-At-Home Dad himself!

babyfightclubI love this one!!

mwabottle1

Categories
comedy funny humor kids quotes

“Ms. Ireland?” – Quote Friday – 03/15

lil leprechauns
Image by Jasmaine Mathews

This week I’ve been busy sub-teaching at a school and as a result, QUOTES!! Ta-da!! Ok, so I wanna say this is the last ever, there’ll-be-no-more, Quote Fridays BUT I just asked to sub-teach on Monday at a different school sooooo if those kids are interesting, Quote Friday is a go-go…If not, well….you know….

All of these questions came up in the different books and were all asked to different classes.

Me: “What do you do on sport’s day?”

Kid 1: “Swimming.”

Kid 2: “OLYMPICS?!!”

***

Kid comes into class, looks at me and says: “Ms. Ireland?”

***

Kid, in Korean: “You don’t know Korean?”

Me, in Korean: “No, I don’t know Korean.”

Kid pauses and looks at me skeptically.

***

Me: “What don’t you like?”

Kid 1: “I don’t like fish.”

Kid 2: “I don’t like nuclear weapons.”

Kid 3, turning slowly to look at Kid 2: “I don’t like rain…”

Kid 4: “I don’t like crazy people.”

***

Me: “What do you like?”

Girl: “TEACHER!!! HE (pointing at the boy sitting opposite her) likes here!!!” (she points to her vagina)

***

Me: “What’s your name?”

Kid: “Honey.”

Kid 2: “Honey Boo Boo?”

***

Me: “What smells bad?”

Kid: “Alcohol.”

Me: “OK.”

Kid: “But not beer. Other…”

Me: “Soju?”

Kid: “Yes.”

***

Me: “What are you scared of?”

Kid 1: “Fire.”

Boy: “Flowers.”

Me: “Flowers?”

Boy: “Yes.”

Me: “OK, next.”

Kid 2: “Spider.”

Kid 3: “Height.”

Kid 4: “BIRD!!!”

Kid 5: “Poo.”

***

Me: “What’s terrible?”

Kid 1: “War.”

Kid 2: “Die.”

Kid 3: “Kill.”

Kid 4: “Kim Jong-Un.”

Kid 5: “Rain….wet….”

***

Do you love Quote Friday? Sad to see it come to an end…eventually? Who really knows at this point?! I keep saying ‘It’s the last one’ and then I do one more….

OUT NOW: The QUOTE FRIDAY book, the best of four years of quotes including some never before published ones: Watch Out for the Hedgehog’.

hedgehog (4)

For more Quote Fridays, check out:

Categories
comedy funny humor kids quotes South Korea

‘No. Very very no.’ – Quote Friday 02/22

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

And so we come to the penultimate edition of Quote Friday. In a week where we hit our first birthday, details of the book emerged and the 200th post was written, it’s with great sadness that I write the words and sooooooooo the end is near, and so we face, the final curtain.or something like that. Is that it? I can’t be bothered to Google it, someone will Facebook me and correct me. Someone always Facebooks me and points out a blog error. Always.

This week, I saw this:

quotes on the internet

And it got me thinking. The most asked question that people approach me with is: ‘Are all your quotes real or do you make some up?’

My usual response is: ‘I’ve never made a quote up, what I wouldn’t give to be that creative.’

This is almost always followed by: ‘So how do you remember them all?’

Well, here’s my little secret: Whenever a kid says something funny, I immediately write it down. Now, I don’t want you thinking as soon as a kid says something Quote Friday-ish I rush from wherever I am in the classroom, sprinting like a marathon runner to my desk least I forget the little golden nugget of funny before I have a chance to write it down.

No.

It doesn’t happen like that.

70% of the time, the kids say something funny while I’m actually AT my desk correcting homework, grading a paper, taking the attendance or whatever it is that I’m doing that they’re not doing so they have time to chat amongst themselves…or to me…and by ‘to me’…I mean just ‘at me’. The rest of the time, I’ve usually got a pen and a clipboard in my hand or the book with a post it note stuck on the page in case I need to jot something down. Nothing gets published unless I can remember it exactly and believe me, there are random notes knocking around my desk that look like they’d be hilarious quotes, I just can’t remember how they transpired.

Moving on.

After each lesson, if a kid is absent I have to text their parents to tell them what homework the kid has. I’m sitting at my desk, looking up a kid’s mother’s phone number when another kid comes and stands next to me. She looks at my phone, then at me and leans over to whisper:

“I know you code.”

And runs away.

***

I’m walking to school. A kid yells and stops me.

Kid: “Teacher!! Me mommy no message!! Me no homework. OK?” and then he makes the ‘OK’ sign with his hand.

***

Two little boys are fighting in class. Another little boy sitting nearby stands up and yells:

“GENTLEMEN!!!”

***

Me: “Do you want to be in a movie?”

Little Boy: “Yes.”

Me: “What kind of movie? Action? Drama?”

Little Boy: “Lovely.”

***

Me: “What do you do with your family?”

Kid: “Kakao talk.” (a form of text messaging)

The options were play sports, watch movies or go to the park.

***

Me: “What’s dry?”

Kid: “A grape.”

***

One kid is yelling another kid’s name trying to get her attention to borrow something while she’s ignoring him and shaking her head.

Kid 2: “No. No. You’re ugly boy. No.”

***

Me: “What’s your dream?”

Kid: “I don’t have a dream.”

***

Me: “What’s patient?”

Kid: “Many blood.”

Me: “No.”

Pause.

Me: “It’s like if you’re at a bus stop and you wait and wait and wait and you don’t get angry.”

Kid 2: “Ah, disabled.”

Me: “No…”

***

Me: “Next week you will be my last ever class I teach. When I go to Canada, I might not teach so you will be my last class ever.”

Girl: “What will you do in the future?”

Boy next to her, without missing a beat: “Shopping.”

***

Me, to a kid regarding the test: “Are you ready?”

Kid: “No. Very very no.”

***

A kid points to a pen on my desk.

Kid: “What is it?”

Me: “Oh no! I took it from a kid in the class before, I forgot to give it back. It’s an invisible ink pen.”

Kid: “You are thief.”

Me: “No, I’m not! I just forgot to give it back.”

Kid: “Don’t lie.”

***

From April Lynn Amador:

A girl in my 7 year old class said that she didn’t like boys..and she wanted to marry Sunny teacher, the female Korean co-teacher. Another student said pointed out the problem there, but the first girl responded, “No it’s ok. Mr. Obama said it’s OK!”

***

Also from April:

One of my girls said the other day, “Teacher, do you know what I will do when I grow up?”

“What?” I say, getting ready to feel all proud as her teacher.

Kid: “I will marry a rich man and get a Chanel bag.”

***

And April’s students strike again:

530805_10151296506001240_1839829733_n 602067_10151496739106240_380940457_n

***

From Joe Jenkinson:

What a twist!

539656_10151516868863023_1645039780_n

***

From Michelle Diep (and further proving it’s only my students that think I’m leaving to get married):

Kids: “Teacher, teacher …(something in Korean)”

Me: “Huh?? What did you say??”

Kids: “Teacher, dan dan dan dan dan (cue wedding tune)”

Me: “Get married?!!!”

Kids: “Yes!!!”

Me: “No, no, no!!”

KIds: “Boyfriend??”

Me: “No!”

Kids: “Oh!”

Hahahaha my kindergarten students thought I’m going back home to get married…0_o

***

From Lucy Beauclair:

Russian’s (adults) on dieting:

Student 1: “Cake is not bad if you eat before six. You can eat anything you want before six. No fat.”

Me: “So, I can eat this because it’s before six and not get fatter?”

Student 2: “Yes eating before sex is good for you.”

*group laughter*

Me: “I’m sure that’s true.”

***

Also from Lucy:

On Advertising:

Student: “I would sell this to my friends and homies.”

Me: “I wouldn’t use the word homies. It’s slang. You’re actually not the first student to use it. I’m curious. Where did you learn it?”

Student: “West Coast Niggas rap.”

Me: “Fair enough, they can use it you can’t.”

Student: “What should I use then?”

Me: “Acquaintances.”

***

Do you love Quote Friday? Sad to see it come to an end next week? Sob, sob. Well fear not!

COMING SOON: The QUOTE FRIDAY book, the best of four years of quotes including some never before published ones. ‘Watch Out for the Hedgehog, on sale May 1st.

hedgehog (4)

For more details and special offers, sign up to our Watch Out for the Hedgehog mailing list to stay up to date. 

For more Quote Fridays, check out:

Categories
funny humor kids Korea

I once whacked a child across the face with a CD player…

CD PlayerI once whacked a child across the face with a CD player. His name was Blake. He was five.

It was my first year of teaching and I’d been placed in a Kindergarten school named Wonderland. I spent my mornings teaching two back-to-back 90 minute English classes to a group of 5 year olds and a group of 6 year olds respectively. It was in the former, at roughly a minute into class, that I hit him.

The thing is I really liked Blake. He was smart, never spoke Korean, had wonderful comprehension skills and he was genuinely a cute lil kid. Round head, hair that spiked out, always smiling, even as he hit the fake-wooden floor in the classroom.

My eyes widen as I realized what had happened. Blake may have been cute but he was sneaky. As I entered the classroom and set down my CD player on the desk, he’d tiptoed up behind me and stood very very still. When I decided moments later to move said CD player, I picked it up, spun quickly and knocked him on the side of the head, just under his eye.

Dropping the CD player back onto the desk, I rushed to his aid as he bounced back up with all the exuberance and resilience that only a small child could have. If I were to be floored by a CD player to the head today, I’d probably just die. Although I was once hit by a falling steel pole from a ceiling in a conference room. I became confused and was ordered to the emergency room, which was unfortunately in the next town over. Not feeling like travelling, I insisted I was fine, an underling was ordered to watch me for ‘signs of a concussion’ while my manager went ‘out’ and I lay on my desk on my job-before-teaching for the remainder of the day while an IT guy fixed my computer.

I asked Blake if he was ok. He smiled and said ‘yes’, his eye already starting to puff up. Other than the slow, swelling brewing on the side of his face, you wouldn’t know anything had happened to him.

I darted from the classroom in search of my co-teacher for the class, a very serious teacher by the name of Sammi.

Sammi and I shared two kindergarten classes and a few after-school elementary classes. We weren’t friends. I barely knew her despite working with her for 6 months at this point. She was in the middle of class and I knocked and entered before she’d even had the chance to register I was there.

“Hey, I…there was an accident in my class.” I blurted out, flapping my arms.

She looked up at me from the homework book she was correcting.

“Blake is hurt. Sort of.” I continued.

She ushered me outside and we stood in the hallway.

“I hit Blake with a CD player.”

“Oh my God.”

“No no, he’s ok. But…you need to come see him.”

One look at him and Sammi grabbed him and took him to the nurse…AKA the receptionist.

Blake returned to class 30 minutes later, his eye significantly bigger, the assistant frowning at me slightly, me breathing a sigh of relief it was Friday.

HalloweenThe weekend was spent prepping the Haunted House in the school gym and with me explaining how I hit a kid with a CD Player to the other.

“I hit a kid with a CD Player.”

“Marcus?!” would be the reply everyone responded with.

“No, Blake.”

“WHY would you hit Blake?! He’s so lovely!” would be the reply everyone responded with.

Hitting Marcus would have been forgivable though, even if it wasn’t an accident. My boss had condoned hitting Marcus as a punishment one day but I’d opted against it. I just can’t hit a small child. I mean on purpose. Marcus, in the same class as Blake, was a nightmare. He’d hit other kids, teachers, me. He bit me once. (The most coincidental moment of that incident, a month into my teaching career: My boss: ‘Have you had a tetanus shot?’ Me: ‘Yes, I got it with my other shots before I came here. I told my doctor I was moving here to teach Kindergarten and she told me to get a tetanus as little kids bite.’) He’d also stabbed me with a pencil in my hand and later, after I’d moved to another school, took a knife with him to Kindergarten in his backpack.

Monday morning, Halloween Day, it was all go-go-go. The parents are coming in to watch a show we’d been prepping for what felt like weeks, everyone needed to be in a costume, we needed to practice, I needed to bribe the kids to not mess up with candy and stickers.

Standing the Teacher’s Room getting ready, I turn to find Sammi making her way towards me.

Donning our costumes for school
Donning our costumes for school – I’m on the left

“How’s Blake? Is his mom mad?” I said, a slight undertone of panic in my voice.

“No, not mad. She understands it was an accident. Blake told her it was an accident.”

“It was.”

“Just…she is not happy today is the Halloween show and he has a big eye.”

“OK.”

“You should stay away from her. She speaks English.”

And off Sammi went, leaving me to figure out how on earth I was supposed to know who was Blake’s mom.

The Halloween Show went off without a hitch…well, no one was hurt during it and nobody fell over which was a step up. The moms seemed pleased. One came up and thanked me in English. I was so nervous over whether or not it was Blake’s mother, I froze and just smiled and nodded. Sammi ushered me out of the room and back upstairs with the kids to eat candy and play games.

Imagine a entire line of 5 year olds dressed elaborately dancing...with less coordination that we rehersed
Imagine a entire line of 5 year olds dressed like this elaborately dancing…with less coordination that we rehearsed

Several months later, I’d approach Sammi with a problem student in my Grade Five class and her suggested solution: “You should hit him on the head with the CD player.”

Categories
comedy funny humor kids Korea quotes

‘Teacher…the small ajosshi?’ – Quote Friday 02/15

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

First up, not a quote but funny none the less: This week there was a minor debate in Canada’s House of Commons when the subject of a zombie apocalypse was brought up. Hilarious, random and the reason why I’m glad I’m moving to Canada, they seem confident that IF a zombie apocalypse happens, it WON’T be in Canada.

Happy post-Valentine’s Day everyone! What did you do for Valentine’s? I went on a lady-date with My-Awesome-Book-Cover-Designer-Friend (MABCDF) and seven other girls while The Canadian One went on a man-date with MABCDF’s boyfriend. When I got home, however, I found this awaiting me:

photo (5) photo (7)

Meanwhile, one of the girls managed to sneak into the banquet and lasted all of five minutes inside before she was chased down to pay.

Her friend: ‘How did they know you didn’t pay?!’

Girl: ‘Oh please, look around, I‘m the only black girl in here!’

***

Being off Monday and Tuesday and ill on Wednesday, has left me with very few days in school this week..and thus, very few quotes.

Me: ‘Your test is on the 26th.’

Kid: ‘Jenny bye bye minus 2.’

***

Kid comes in with a strawberry the size of her hand and holds it out in front of me.

Kid: ‘Teacher! King strawberry!!’

She walked away, staring at her strawberry in her hand and then wandered back and handed it to me.

Kid: ‘For you.’

For reference: here’s the strawberry next to my mini stapler:

photo (8)

***

I don’t eat chocolate (migraines) and my last class of the day on a Monday and Thursday knows this. As such, they know they always get any candy or chocolate I get given throughout the day as I don’t bother taking it home.  Throughout all of Thursday, I had two random boys from my last class stand in my classroom doorway yelling at me.

Kid 1: ‘You are young and pretty.’

Kid 2: ‘YOU ARE LIKE A PRINCESS!!’

***

I’m writing on the board. A kid stares at me.

Kid: ‘Why so serious?’

***

Me, reading an answer: ‘Recommend.’

Kid: ‘Pardon?’

Me: ‘Recommend.’

Kid: ‘Pardon?’

Kid 2: ‘Recommend!’

Kid: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘Yes!’

Kid 2: ‘Do you have ears?!!’

30 mins later, I write ‘Final Test: 02/26’ on the board.

Me: ‘Ok, your final test..’

Same kid: ‘TODAY?!!’

Kid 2, pointing at the board: ‘DO YOU HAVE EYES?!!!’

***

Me, reading a book report: ‘It’s about a young man…’

Two kids in the front row, breaking into song: ‘YOUNG MAN!!!’

***

Me: ‘What’s the Ant and the Grasshopper about?’

Kid: ‘The ants are rich.’

Me: ‘No, they’re not!’

Kid: ‘No, yes rich. Have many food so they are rich. Grasshopper has no money and no food. He is not rich.’

Me: ‘You can’t write that.’

A minute passes.

Me: ‘What did you write?’

Kid: ‘The ants are rich.’ Pause while she looks at me. ‘They are.’

***

Me: ‘What are you writing about?’

Boy: ‘Snow Princess.’

Girl: ‘Snow White.’

Boy, to me: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘Yeah, it’s called Snow White.’

Boy: ‘Snow Princess is Snow White?’

Me: ‘Yeah.’

Pause.

Boy: ‘And….Teacher…the small ajosshi?’

Me: ‘Dwarves. They’re called dwarves. Are you writing about one or two because it’s a different spelling?’

He stares at me like I’ve just told him the sky is green.

Boy: ‘SEVEN!’

Me: ‘Yes, no, I know. I just…nevermind. D-W-A…’

For reference, an ‘ajosshi‘ is the Korean word for an old man. For example:

ajosshi
Photo: Candiceecidnac via Flickr

***

UPDATE 22:42: An hour ago, my mother calls while The Canadian One and I are sitting around basically doing nothing.

Mam: ‘I’ve just been reading your thing. You quote thing and you know Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was spelt with DWARFS not DWARVES, right?’

Me: ‘No, that makes no sense.’ (to The Canadian One) ‘Mam says it’s dwarfs and not dwarves in the movie. Google that.’

He does. We all sit in silence and wait.

Him: ‘IT IS!!’

Mam: ‘I told you. I saw that and thought I have to ring her! She teaching the kids wrong!’

Me: ‘Not wrong. It’s the correct English!!’

Mam: ‘It’s wrong.’

***

My co-teacher: ‘What is it called when people vote for something? Erection..?’ Pause. ‘No, wait, I know that’s wrong!’

***

COMING SOON: The QUOTE FRIDAY book, the best of four years of quotes including some never before published ones. ‘Watch Out for the Hedgehog, on sale May 1st.

For more details and special offers, sign up to our Watch Out for the Hedgehog mailing list to stay up to date. 

***

For more Quote Fridays, check out:

Categories
entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes

‘YOUR FACE TELLS LIES!!!’ – Quote Friday 02/08

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Some of you may remember from last week my student who continually became obsessed about The Canadian One and I not getting married but yet moving to Canada together. This week, she decided to spread a rumor that I am getting married, made an entire class sing congratulations to me and she snuck into my classroom four hours before her class was due to start while I was dealing with a kid and his nose bleed (that bled all over my floor) and left me a note:

photo (1)

Speaking of notes, I found this one on my board on Monday:

students 1

And this picture on my desk this morning, the day after the kids were told I was leaving:

photo (2)

I was also given this as a present:

photo (3)

***

Meanwhile, in another class:

A kid stands up in the middle of class and yells: ‘YOUR FACE TELLS LIES!!!’ at his friend who was across the room.

And no, no I have no idea why.

***

Sometimes being an English teacher to kids that don’t speak much English requires all the deduction of Sherlock Holmes.

Kid: ‘Teacher final test yesterday you bye-bye day?’

Pause

Me: ‘The 27th? Yes. Your test is on the 27th.’

***

Me: ‘What’s proud?’

Kid 1: ‘Prize.’

Kid 2: ‘Prize?’

Kid 1: ‘Prize. Yes.’

Kid 2: ‘Chicken?’

Kid 1: ‘What?’

Kid 2: ‘Fried chicken?’

Kid 1: ‘No, no FRIED, PRIZE.’

***

I’m standing at the whiteboard after class. A kid comes up to me.

Kid: ‘Teacher is simple.’

Pause.

Kid: ‘Wait..’

She scrunches up her face.

Kid: ‘No.’

Then she left.

…WHAT?!!

***

Me: ‘Name a country.’

Kid puts up his hand, puts down his hand. puts up his hand. puts down his hand. puts up his hand and nods.

Me: ‘Yes?’

Him: ‘KOREA!!’

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, me go to canada and to you dangdangdada?’

***

Kid comes up to my desk during a break.

Kid: ‘Teacher, do you know Stevie Wonder?’

Me: ‘…yes…’

Kid, breaking into song: ‘ISN’T SHE LOOOOOOOVELY!!!!’

Pause.

Kid: ‘ISN’T SHE LOOOOOOOOVELY!!!’

This continued for a minute until I made her go away.

***

From Captain Thunderbox’s (he picked his own anonymous name) kindergarten class:

mother likescoffee

***

I run into the school’s male foreign teacher on my way back from the bathroom and we were chatting. I come to class.

Entire class: ‘You and Haley teacher friends?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

ONE KID: ‘LOVE!!’

Entire class: ‘NO!! Friends!’

Another boy pointing at the boy who said ‘love’: ‘He’s crazy!!’

***

After being told in Korean that I was leaving in three weeks.

Kid: ‘Teacher, me….20….you 37…me come see you in Canada.’

Quickly followed by ‘Do you have Facebook?’

***

Me: ‘What’s hungry?’

Kid: ‘Stomach…grrrrrrr.’

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, volcano is…’

Looong pause.

Kid: ‘…fire water?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

***

Two kids are having a conversation while I’m correcting homework.

Kid 1: ‘I like tiger.’

Kid 2: ‘You like Tyler?’ (Tyler is a kid in the class)

Kid 1: ‘No, tiger.’

Kid 2: ‘Tyler?!’

Kid 1: ‘TIGER!!’

Kid 2, turning to Tyler: ‘Oh Tyler, fantastic!!’

***

Me: ‘Hey, shhhhhhh stop talking.’

Kid: ‘I’m no talking.’

Me: ‘I can hear you. You’re talking.’

Kid: ‘No. Alone talking. No people. Alone.’

Me: ‘That’s still talking. Shhhh.’

***

The kids are drawing pictures of food they like and food they don’t like. We’ve been studying food for about two weeks now.

Kid 1: ‘Teacher, Ian like all food. No food don’t like.’

Me: ‘Ian, make it up. It doesn’t matter. Draw something you don’t like. One thing.’

A moment passes when I hear Kid 1 again. He’s leaning over looking at Ian’s picture.

Kid 1: ‘You don’t like girls?’

***

Me: ‘What’s a sheep?’

Kid: ‘Lambs grow.’

***

COMING SOON: The QUOTE FRIDAY book, the best of four years of quotes including some never before published ones. ‘Watch Out for the Hedgehog‘, on sale May 1st.

For more details and special offers, sign up to our Watch Out for the Hedgehog mailing list to stay up to date. 

***

For more Quote Fridays, check out:

Categories
comedy funny humor quotes

‘You boyfriend many many love?’ – Quote Friday 02/01

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

It’s breaktime and I’m sitting at my desk on the computer, writing school reports and drinking coffee. A kid stands in front of my desk. She’s not doing anything, she’s just standing there. The kids do that a lot. Just stand there and stare at me. Sometimes it’s weird. Other times, I just ignore them.

Kid: ‘Why you sadly?’

Me: ‘I’m not sad. I’m tired.’

Kid: ‘Why you tired?’ She scrunches up her face and nods understandingly. ‘Teaching the kids?’

I laugh.

Me: ‘No, I’m just tired, that’s all.’

Kid: ‘No, bed early?’

Me: ‘No, get up very early.’

She nods and goes quiet. I return to writing my reports.

Kid: ‘Teacher, you boyfriend?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

‘Really?!’

‘Yes.’

‘You dangdangdada?’ (the wedding song)

‘No.’

‘When the dangdangdada?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘How long you boyfriend?’

‘Two years.’

‘Two years? Really? You lovely?’

‘Yes.’

‘You boyfriend many many love?’

‘Yes.’

‘Korean?’

‘Canadian.’

‘Boyfriend look like?’

‘Tall.’

‘Jenny teacher…tall…?’

‘Taller than me, yes.’

‘And?’

‘Short hair.’

‘And?’

‘Brown hair.’

‘And?’

‘Go away.

‘Just one more..and?’

‘And, I don’t know.’

‘Handsome eyes?’

‘Yes.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why no dangdangdada?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘But ring.’ (pointing at the ring on my right hand)

‘Not wedding ring.’

She goes quiet.

Kid: ‘In December, you went to Canada.’

Me: ‘No, I didn’t.’

Kid: ‘YES!! You vacation!!’

Me: ‘No, no, I went to Ireland.’

Kid: ‘Ohhhh yeah, I think boyfriend Canada, you go to Canada…in my head…You go to Canada?’

‘Yes. In March.’

‘Visit boyfriend parents?’

‘No, to live.’

‘WHAT?! WHY?! HOW?! Jenny teacher no English class???’

‘No. I’m leaving.’

‘When?’

‘February 28.’

‘Show me.’

‘Look, here, this day.’ I show her the calendar.

‘You go to Canada?’

‘Yes.’

‘With boyfriend.’

‘Yes.’

‘To live?’

‘Yes.’

‘Dangdangdada?’

‘No.’

‘Teacher, boyfriend meeting parents?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘THEN WHY NO DANGDANGDADA?!!’

***

I’m taking attendance.

Me: ‘Tricia?’

Class: ‘No.’

I mark her late. Tricia and Chloe walk in the door.

Me: ‘You are late. (to Tricia) You are not. (to Chloe)’

Chloe jumps around like she’s won a present!

***

‘Tigers eat deers, cows and sometimes people.’ – Kid when asked to describe his favorite animal.

***

Me: ‘What does Santa leave for the children?’

Kid: ‘Because they change.’

…I assume he understood the word ‘leave’ and wrote why Santa ‘leaves’ the children…

***

Taking attendance.

Me: ‘Grace?’

Kid: ‘Grace no.’

Me: ‘Grace yes. I saw her a minute ago.’

Kid: ‘Grace…Landon (in a different class)…Landon…um…Grace hit chair…Landon hit Grace with chair and tooth…OUT!!’

Me: ‘WHAT?!!’

***

Look out for the Quote Friday book, the best of four years of quotes including some previously unpublished quotes. Coming sooooon! 

***

For more Quote Fridays, check out:

Categories
comedy funny humor kids Korea

‘Achoo achoo?’ – Quote Friday – 01/25

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

First up, and didn’t make it into this week’s FREE RICE Tuesday Timewasters, was this:

Hey Craig

Moving on.

Happy Quote Friday!

Kid comes up to my desk and thrusts a coffee cup in my face.

Kid: ‘LOOK TEACHER, A TURTLE!!!’

I look at the cup and sure enough there’s a tiny turtle in a small pool of water in the cup.

Me: ‘OH MY GOD!! That is a turtle!! Why do you have a turtle in my class?’

Kid: ‘Because mommy is no home.’

I look at the turtle.

Me: ‘Can I take a picture?’

She holds it out in front of her, excitedly, ‘YES!!’

544005_10151406536366346_2054269952_n

Me, while explaining ‘recommend’: ‘I recommend you do your homework.’

Kid: ‘No thanks, I’m not hungry.’

***

Kids are all sitting quietly doing their worksheet. Some of them look like they might fall asleep.

I yell: ‘OK!!!’ and clap my hands. They all jump.

Kid: ‘Teacher! Please! No surprise!’

Me: ‘But I have to make sure you’re all awake.’

Kid: ‘I am awake. Now is awake time!’

***

While drawing her family tree, kid: ‘My uncle is…No aunt…He is…only.’ and scrunches up her face.

***

Me: ‘What’s a pyramid?’

Kid: ‘Egypt king die house.’

***

Kid: ‘Are you ok?’

Me: ‘I have a cold.’

Kid: ‘Achoo achoo?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

***

A kid is whispering in Korean in my class. I look at him.

Me: ‘I can see you.’

Kid, looks at me: ‘I know.’

Kid in front of him to me: ‘I see you!’

***

Me: ‘What kind of music do you like?’

Kid: ‘TV drama OST.’

***

Me: ‘What do you like to do on a Saturday?’

Kid: ‘I stay home.’

Me: ‘Why do you like to stay home?’

Kid: ‘You can find money.’

***

Me: ‘Where’s London?’

Kid: ‘New York City.’

***

Me: ‘Where’s San Francisco?’

Kid, looks at map: ‘Russia?’

***

For more Quote Fridays, check out:

Categories
funny humor kids Korea quotes

‘YOU ATE MY STAR?!’ – Quote Friday 01/18

English: HMV, Manchester Arndale

Ah, Friday, and what a week it’s been. Kicking off on Monday with the demise of HMV, a beloved music store in both Ireland and the UK, which just happens to be the place of employment for my brother. As the longest-serving employee of his branch (besides his manager), my little bro now faces the rest of winter jobless and perhaps payless if HMV decide not to pay their employees this month.

Slightly worse than losing his job, my brother tells me, is the fact that they all found out on Sky News on Monday evening. Their bosses didn’t even phone them to tell them personally. Although he did go to work on Tuesday (the store shut down for good on Wednesday).

I call him at work on Tuesday.

Me: ‘You’re working?’

Him: ‘No. They don’t know if we’re getting paid so we’ve been told to not work but stay in the building. We might get paid. They don’t know so they want us all to stay here.’

Me: ‘But do no work?’

Him: ‘Yeah, except answer the phones. People are calling about the vouchers. We can’t accept vouchers. Head office told us. Sky News told everyone to go cash in their vouchers today though so we’ve had people all day comin’ in with vouchers and we can’t take them.’

Me: ‘So what have you been doing all day?’

Him: ‘We set up a mini Olympics out the back. We’re playing football.’

On Tuesday night, all the stock in the store got boxed up and it was announced that staff may not get paid for December-January. Some store plan a sit-in protest to get paid. Mam calls me.

Mam: ‘Some of the other shops are planning a sit-in but yer brother’s isn’t. He said there isn’t enough DVDs for them to watch so they all went home.’

He was in the paper yesterday and my mam calls to tell me.

Mam: ‘Yer brother is in yesterday’s paper. I’ll photo it and get him to send it to you. He’s smiling though. I told him he shouldn’t be smiling, he just lost his job.’

Although, I do have to say, the mall where his store is are being great and accommodating to the HMV staff and the gym he goes to, which has a strict no instalments-whole fee payment system in place, is allowing his to pay his yearly fees throughout the year.

***

I write down an animal, kids have to guess what it is.

Me: ‘Name an animal.’

Kid 1: ‘A piranha.’

Me: ‘No.’

Kid 1: ‘Poodle.’

Another kid: ‘Snail.’

Kid 1: ‘Hyena’.

The answer was ‘hamster’. They’re seven!

***

I’m sitting at my desk while the kids study. I stand up to pass out the test.

Kid: ‘NOOOO, WAIT!! DON’T STAND UP!! SIT DOWN!!’

***

Kid: ‘SHE HAS A STRAWBERRY!!!’ (in the exact same tone I fear he’d use if she was holding a weapon of mass destruction)

***

I accidentally give a kid a point on the board.

Kid: ‘I have no homework. Why you me point?’

***

To a kid who missed the test:

Me: ‘Do you want to do the mid-term test?’

Kid: ‘Do I want?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘I want? Do I want? No, I want.’

***

Me: ‘What should you do to be a good student?’

Kid: ‘You should do your homework so that you don’t see teacher’s ugly face.’

***

A kid said to me: ‘Teacher you our tests?’ asking if i’d corrected the tests yet.

I said ‘No, no time. Many classes and no time.’

He looked at me and did an impression of someone sitting on the toilet pooping and correcting a test at the same time and nodded to me. I laughed for like a full minute!!

***

I have three small paper origami stars on my desk. Each smaller than the size of your little finger’s nail and made by one of my grade one students and then given to me. One of my kids picked one up.

Me: ‘Put that down.’

He holds it. I go to grab it from him and he puts it in his mouth. I stare at him. His eyes widen.

Kid 2: ‘HE ATE IT!!’

ME: ‘YOU ATE MY STAR?!!’

***

While explaining ‘move away.’

Me: ‘Like if you moved from Seoul to Busan.’

Kid: ‘It’s 10 kilometers.’

Me: ‘No…No, it’s not.’

Kid: ‘Yes!’

Me: ‘No. It’s 87 kilometers to Cheonan.’

Kid: ‘No…really?’

Me: ‘Yeah, I lived there. I know how far it is.’

Kid: ’10 kilometers to Busan.’

Me: ‘No.’

Kid: ‘No, by airplane.’

Me: ‘That…no, it’s still the same distance. Even by airplane.’

***

A kid picks up a 10 sided die off my desk.

Kid 1: ‘What is cube?’

Kid 2: ‘No cube, dice.’

Kid 1: ‘Ah, what is dice?’ holding the die out in front of me.

Me: ‘It’s a special dice.’

Kid looks at it and then at me.

Kid 1: ‘Wow, good job!’

And he puts the die back down.

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, you color your hair?’

Me: ‘No.’

Kid: ‘You look different.’

She stares at me.

Kid: ‘You get botox?’

Me: ‘What? No.’

Kid looks skeptical and pinches her forehead, cheeks and chin.

Kid: ‘Really? Here? No botox?’

Me: ‘No, no botox.’

***

From Brendan WB:

Him: “What’s bigger than an elephant?”

Student: “Jesus.”

***

I got three fillings done on Wednesday and as a result of them being on either side of my mouth, my entire lower half of my face was numb.

The Canadian One looks at me.

Him: ‘You look sad. Why do you look so sad?’

Me: ‘Oh, I’m not sad. I just can’t make any other facial expressions.’

Later, while walking to the store.

He says something funny. I stare at him.

Me: ‘I am smiling…inside…’

***

The Canadian One after I said something stupid: ‘That’s going on my Quote Friday!’

***

***ENDS TODAY!!!***

Don’t forget, here at The Ketchup War, we like to give back so we’re continuing our RANDOM KOREAN PRIZE giveaway. Will it be a packet of Psy sponsored ramen? A cute, kitschy phone dangle? Or something more awesome? (probably not that last one!) All ya gotta do to be in with a shot to win is to ‘like’ a post published between December 18th 2012 and 23:59 (KST) January 18th 2013. Why the 18th? Well, why not the 18th?

For more Quote Fridays, check out:

Categories
comedy funny humor kids Korea

‘Do you Obama?’ – Quote Friday – 12/21

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Official photographic portrait of US President...
Official photographic portrait of US President Barack Obama (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The world didn’t end and Korea has its first female president elected into office this past Wednesday…so that happened.

ALSO it’s vacation next week so The Ketchup War is on hiatus while we relocate from The Land of the Morning Calm to The Land of the Shamrock for some festivities but fear not, we’ll be back in the new year with more quotes and timewasters and an all new Thursday weekly post. YAY!

Oh and before we move on, you should know The Canadian One has taken to writing down the things I say that I don’t post in an attempt to take over Quote Friday one week…o.O…We shall see, Canadian One, WE. SHALL. SEE.

Moving on.

***

Kid: ‘Ireland’s Obama who?’

***

Kid: ‘Do you Obama?’ – She meant do I vote.

 ***

While explaining what ‘shelf’ is to my grade ones, a kid starts shaking his head.

Kid: ‘No. No no no.’

Kid 2: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘No!’

They hold a brief discussion in Korean with the first little kid pointing at my scarf and yelling, ‘JENNY TEACHER, LOOK!!’ at the other kid.

Kid 2: ‘NO! SCARF!!!’

Kid 1 looks at me.

Me: ‘He’s right, this is a scarf.’

 ***

This week we read a story about Mully, Skulder and an alienjust sayin’.

 ***

A kid returns from English camp.

Kid: ‘I love a boy. He look like Harry Potter.’

I laugh.

Kid: ‘No really.’

Her friend: ‘He’s the foreign teacher.’

Me: ‘Ahhh, that makes more sense. Haley?’ (Haley’s their male foreign teacher who works in the school. His office is next to my classroom and he looks NOTHING like Harry Potter.)

Kid: ‘NO! Not Haley. Other teacher. Michael.’

I look confused.

Her friend: ‘English camp teacher.’

Me: ‘Ah, not Haley then.’

Her friend: ‘No.’

Kid: ‘You know Haley teacher?’

Me: ‘Yeah.’

Kid nods like ‘Of course, all you white people know each other.’

 ***

My co-teacher told me no Christmas party for the kids this year.

Kid: ‘Teacher, Christmas party?’

Me: ‘No.’

Kid: ‘But Halloween party!!’

Me: ‘I know, I’m as confused as you are!’

 ***

I hiccup in class. From the other side of the classroom, I hear:

Little Boy: ‘Bless you.’

 ***

I’m explaining ‘roll over’ to my students. They all nod.

One smart-alec little kid: ‘I can’t understandDo.’

 ***

Me: ‘What pet would you like?’

Kid: ‘A giraffe. A small giraffe.’

 ***

We read a story about a girl who wants a puppy. Afterward, a little boy puts his head on his desk.

Little Boy: ‘It’s so sad.’

Me: ‘No, it’s not!’

 ***

Sentence: ‘Having a dog is just like having a friend/cat.’

Me: ‘Cat!’

Kids: ‘FRIEND!’

Kid 1: ‘You think cat. Only you. We think friend. You circle cat. We, friend.’

 ***

Me: ‘Cats are better than dogs.’

Kid: ‘No. Cats are annoying!’

Me: ‘Dogs are more annoying!’

Kid: ‘No, meow meow is more annoying than yeop yeop. It’s true.’

 ***

I have no idea what happen to cause this but I came back from the bathroom and a little boy was pointing at another little boy shouting: ‘I FOOLED YOU!!!’

 ***

Kid: ‘I wanna go home.’

Me: ‘Me too.’

Kid: ‘Go ahead.’

 ***

Me: ‘What’s a vegetable?’

Kid: ‘Obama.’ (and he KNOWS what a ‘vegetable’ is)

 ***

Kid, staring at my hair: ‘Teacher, Jenny Teacher, rockhair crazy…’

 ***

Despite teaching one of my classes for three months, I still call them by the wrong names sometimes. They’ve realized that whenever they’re raising their hands to answer questions, I call on people when I’m positive I know their name. On Tuesday, they started raising their hands and SAYING their own name at the same time. Clever.

 ***

Once again, here at The Ketchup War, we like to give back so we’re continuing our RANDOM KOREAN PRIZE giveaway. Will it be a packet of Psy sponsored ramen? A cute, kitschy phone dangle? Or something more awesome? (probably not that last one!) All ya gotta do to be in with a shot to win is to ‘like’ a post published between December 18th 2012 and 23:59 (KST) January 18th 2013. Why the 18th? Well, why not the 18th?

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

 

Categories
comedy funny humor kids Korea

‘YOU are OUT of the line!’ – Quote Friday 12/14

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

First up, we WON!!! Thanks for all the lovely votes and comments and reviews! You people are awesome!! blog-award-2012-korea-south-goldTA-DA!!!

Mam, on the phone, just after I woke up: ‘Did you win? Did your blog win the thing?’

Me: ‘Yeah, I just checked my email. I did!’

Pause.

Mam: ‘Do you remember promising everyone who voted for you a free drink?’

Pause.

Me: ‘Yes….NOW I do!’

Mam: ‘I want my free drink.’

In celebration, we’re giving away a RANDOM KOREAN PRIZE!!

Uh huh!

Ouuuu will it be a packet of Psy sponsored ramen? A cute, kitschy phone dangle? Or something more awesome? (probably not that last one!) All ya gotta do to be in with a shot to win is to ‘like’ this post between NOW and 11:59pm Sunday 16th 2012 (KST).

Winner will be posted on Monday!

Moving on.

***

A little boy and little girl have been fighting in my class all week.

Tuesday:

Girl: ‘Yes, he doesn’t.’

Boy: ‘YES, HE DOESN’T?!!!’

Girl: ‘NO!!!’

Boy: ‘Why are you angry with me?!!’

They stopped talking.

Thursday:

All the kids are standing in a line to get their workbook corrected. Suddenly I hear:

Boy: ‘WHY ARE YOU ANGRY WITH ME?!!’

I looked over and he’s staring at the little girl. I glance back down at the workbook I’m correcting and suddenly the little girl falls out of the line.

Boy: ‘YOU are OUT of the line!’

I still have no idea what they’re fighting about.

***

Me: ‘Ou snow!’

Kid 1: ‘I don’t like snow.’

Kid 2, to Kid 1: ‘You’re old.’

***

Me: ‘Who’s your favorite sports star or movie star or model or tv star?’

Kid: ‘I don’t like entertainers.’

***

After explaining to my grade ones what ‘son’ means.

One little boy: ‘I have a son.’

Me: ‘No, you don’t.’

Boy: ‘YES, I DO!’

And then he mimics rocking a baby.

***

Kid: ‘What’s your Korean name?’

Me: ‘I don’t have a Korean name.’

Kid 2: ‘Kimchi Teacher.’

***

Last week, the kids had a sub teacher for the day as I was off school. Sub teachers generally half teach the lesson and mainly play games. They also don’t discipline and the kids loved it because he didn’t know the seating chart so the kids all sat with their friends and spoke Korean.

Kid: ‘You like Christmas’

Me: ‘Yeah, I’m going to Ireland for Christmas.’

Kid: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘Yeah, for six days.’

Kid 2: ‘JOHN TEACHER?!!’ (the sub)

Me: ‘No.’

All the boys: ‘JOHN TEAC-HER!’

All the girls: ‘JENNY TEACHER!’

Me: ‘No new teacher. No class.’

Entire class: ‘YAY!!’

Me: ‘You know we’ll be on vacation right? I’m going to Ireland during vacation week.’

Entire class: ‘Awwwwww…’

***

We’re reading a story about a parrot named Pippin who flies away from home (and to be fair, if I had Princess Emily as an owner, I’d fly away too!).

Me: ‘Why’s Emily sad?’

Kid: ‘Where’s Pippin.’

Me: ‘Good. Pippin is gone away. And where is Pippin?’

A kid leaps from his seat: ‘HERE!!!’ and then he flaps around the classroom.

***

Me, readying the listening class: ‘Ok, now we’re gonna listen…’

Kid: ‘To music?’

Me: ‘No.’

***

Me: ‘Everybody…’

Kid: ‘Kung Fu Fighting!!’

***

Me: ‘What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? And you can’t say money.’

Kid: ‘Cash.’

***

While I’m giving out candy treats, Kid: ‘I don’t like candy. I like cake.’

***

A little girl’s tooth falls out. I naturally make a scrunchy face when she tries to show it to me, then I give her tissue for the blood, ask if she’s ok, she’s smiling and nods, proud of her little tooth.

Other kid: ‘NURSE!! NURSE!!!’

Me: ‘Shhhh, stop. She’s fine. She doesn’t need a nurse.’

The little girl is sitting back at her seat by now staring at her tooth smiling.

I point at her. She gives a thumbs up.

Other kid: ‘NURSE!!’

Me: ‘She’s. Fine!’

Kid next to her: ‘Congratulations!’

A few minutes later, she volunteers to read (they were practicing role plays when her tooth fell out). She had tissue wadded in her mouth.

Kid 2: ‘GUM!!!’

Me: ‘Her tooth fell out, it’s tissue.’

Kid 2 nods while I’m thinking where were you a minutes ago when we were all discussing her tooth falling out?!

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy funny humor kids Korea quotes

‘Robot Making Class’ – Quote Friday – 11/16

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

To kick us off for anyone who’s following, I’m currently at 25,618 words in the NaNoWriMo novel.

I’ll post an excerpt next week.

Maybe.

***

While teaching, ‘I wish I could…’:

Kid 1: ‘I wish I could fly a helicopter.’

Kid 2: ‘You no fly a helicopter! It’s dangerous!! You…ahhhhhhhh…’

Kid 3, lying on his desk: ‘I wish I could go home!!’

***

Same class, yesterday:

While doing finish the sentence: ‘If I could do anything, I would…’

Kid: ‘Stay home.’

***

While telling me three things their partner would do:

Kid: ‘If she could do anything, she would hit Helen.’

Helen, the kid sitting in front of him turns around and stares at him.

Kid: ‘Really.’

Me: ‘What ELSE does your partner want to do?’

Kid: ‘If she could do anything, she would hit me.’

His partner nods.

Me: ‘And the third thing?’

Kid: ‘Only those two.’

***

Me: ‘You have other classes after school, right? Like piano and violin and robot making class. What’s the robot making class called?’

Kid, deadpan: ‘Robot Making Class.’

***

Me, to the naughtiest kid in my grade one class: ‘Martin, stop talking. Stop moving. Stop doing everything. Just sit. Quietly. And stop moving about.’

He sits still.

I turn to write on the board.

Kid sitting near him: ‘Teacher Martin SMILING!!’

***

I have ‘Daiso’ written on my hand in small, black writing to remind myself to go to ‘Daiso’ store after work. One of my grade one little girls is at my desk getting her worksheet corrected. She points at my palm and looks at me quizzically.

Me: ‘My note.’

I hand her her worksheet and she sits down. A few minutes later she returns and shows me her palm. In small, tiny black writing in the exact same spot as me she’d written her name.

Kid: ‘MY note.’

***

While watching a video about Koko, the talking Gorilla, and her owner, who’s a woman. They hug.

Kid: ‘They married?’

Me: ‘No.’

Kid 2: ‘She’s old.’

Like that’s the ONLY reason the woman and the gorilla aren’t married.

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, you boyfriend?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘Handsome?’

Me: ‘Of course.’

Kid looks at me skeptically.

Kid: ‘Picture?’

Me: ‘No.’

***

Me: ‘I don’t understand why people say ‘quick like a bunny’. Didn’t the bunny lose the race?’

***

The Canadian One and I are going on a date tonight. During the week, we were discussing which restaurant to go to.

Him: ‘There’s a French restaurant but there’s muscles there and you don’t like them.’

Me: ‘I swear to God, for a second, I thought you meant strong people.’

***

Ever since I soaked The Canadian One’s shirt in Vanish OxyClean overnight and it removed every single trace of stains, he’s taken to soaking a range of white clothing in a bid to make them shiny and bright. It works. I’d highly recommend it.

I’m in the kitchen while the The Canadian One is hunting around for something. Upon the realization that we own three whisks of the same size, he commandeers a broken one and discovers we can use the broken whisk to stir the clothes in the bucket of water in the bathroom.

Him: ‘Oh my God, this is great!! Look! You can swish it around and look, I don’t get it on my hands.’ (waaaay more excited than one should be about the removal of stains from clothing)

I look in through the bathroom door to see him poking a white hoodie in a bucket, submerging it and, then when it floats back to the top, submerging it again.

Him: ‘This is great!’

I scrunch up my face at him.

Him: (with a slight hint of sarcasm) ‘Oh yeah, if you’re gonna include this in your quotes I’d love to see how you’re gonna explain it to people.’

Challenge accepted aaaaaaaaaaaaand completed. BOOM.

***

From April Lynn Amador:

***

From Joe Jenkinson and his kindergarten students:

Does this kid know how to pad out their homework or what?

‘Today I’m going to talk about two days. Two days means Saturday and Sunday. For example, if today was Monday, two days will be Monday and Tuesday. To tell you closely it means today and tomorrow. But today I will tell you about my weekend. I wrote about more than one day. I will tell you about my weekend. I will tell you about Saturday and Sunday. My grandma came.’

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy funny humor kids Korea

‘Throw in giant spiders.’ – Quote Friday 11/09

This week, well last week to be more exact, I started NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, in which participants aim to write a 50,000word novel in a month. I’m currently at 12,515words which isn’t bad but isn’t good as my target for today is to be at 15,000words minimum. As a result, updates this month will be few and far between, unless we get approved for my Canadian visa, then you’ll know ALL about it!

Speaking of NaNoWriMo, I’ve spent a lot of time staring at my blank screen this week and The Canadian One has done his best to help:

The Canadian One’s advice for the blank page: ‘White is the color of peace…and loneliness.’

***

Me: ‘I’ve become stucked.’ (not a word, let’s not panic)

Him: ‘Throw in giant spiders. That’s gotta be at least four pages just describing them.’

***

Me: ‘I’m seven words off my target.’

Him, counting on his fingers: ‘And then they lived happily ever after…I can’t believe that’s actually seven!’

***

At dinner, guy: ‘Stop humping the furniture….You have no idea how many times people say that to me at parties.’

***

Also at dinner, South African girl: ‘Where are you from?’

Me: ‘Ireland.’

Her: ‘North or south?’

Me: ‘South. Dublin.’

Her: ‘I didn’t know Dublin was south!! Say ‘car”

Me: ‘Car.’

Her, looking more disappointed that I’ve ever seen anyone  my entire life, ‘No, you don’t say it the way my friend does.’

***

WTF moment of the week:

The Canadian Immigration office in Seoul sent me a letter requesting my address. A letter!

***

Little girl to little boy annoying her: ‘You are a bad child!’

***

Kid, instead of saying ‘Oh my God!’: ‘OH MY GRANDFATHER!!’

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea random South Korea

‘Hey, don’t call people pandas!’ – Quote Friday 10/26

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Not a quote but WTH? I read this this morning:

On to the quotes:

A kid arrives and stares at the collection of pumpkins we have by the window:

Kid: ‘Teacher!! Pumpkin village!!!’

***

While calling attendance:

Me: ‘Alicia?’

Kid: ‘She’s snowboarding.’

Me: ‘What?’

Kid: ‘No, I don’t know where she is.’

***

Pointing at one of the kid-made bats on the door:

Kid: ‘Ugly duckling!’

***

Me, to a boy and a girl fighting: ‘Hey, don’t call people pandas! It’s not nice!’

***

The Canadian One, re the giant bug he just killed and my gasp of horror that he’d killed it and not trapped it and released it like I usually do: ‘He had too many legs, he had to die.’

***

The Canadian One re Alec Baldwin’s ever-changing hairstyles in 30 Rock: ‘Does he do that to f**k with me?!!’

***

A grade one kid runs into my classroom.

Little Boy: ‘Today test?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

‘Word test?’

‘Yes.’

‘Omelette? Tea? Peach?’

‘Yes.’

‘YESSSSS!!!’

He was the only one who studied and then got 100% in the spelling test. Awwwwww!

***

The Canadian One and I are constantly saying funny, but adult-centered things to each other.

Him: ‘You should do an adult version of Quote Friday…people would buy that!’

***

This happened:

‘I order burritos online. Burritos arrive at 9:50am, frozen. I take one burrito to school. I spend morning poking burrito to see if it’s defrosted yet. I wait. I poke. I wait. I hold it. I get bored with holding it and put it on my desk. I stare at it. I poke. I deem it safe to eat. I eat it. And that’s been my morning thus far…I watched a burrito defrost.’

and this happened:

‘While walking to school this morning, I saw some kids running across the playground and immediately thought ‘F**k, I couldn’t run like that if I was being chased by a bear!”

***

DON’T FORGET, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD ABOUT YOUR CAT, A CAT STORY (FICTION IS OK) TO ‘CAT WEEK: LIKE SHARK WEEK BUT FLUFFIER’ SEND IT TO US: jenny@theketchupwar.com

We got a guest post spot over on 2Kilosof Bread, check it out: Guest Post from The Ketchup War

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
entertainment kids random

Teaching Thursday: Halloween Crafts

This week my school has been all abuzz about Halloween. The kids love it. LOVE IT.

They dress up. We play games and eat candy. We watch movies. They’re all hyper and crazy-like. It’s…well, it’s a nightmare but…anyway.

Much of this week has been spent decorating my classroom with all manner of crafts by the kids. I posted some pictures this week on Facebook and people were asking about them so I figured I’d write about them as they are suuuuuper easy and require no templates.

I’ve worked at schools where there’s been a limit on paper, on printing, on using the computer, where we’ve not had a printer or photocopier and were banned from using paper other than what we bought ourselves. I, in turn, became really good at  last-minute crafts that require nothing more than a sheet of paper, a scissor and some glue.

BATS

The bats are very very easy. All you need is a sheet of paper, crayons, scissors and a pencil.

Step 1: Draw a circle.

Step 2: Draw two triangles.

Step 3: Draw an oval…ish.

Step 4: Trace your hands to make wings.

Step 5: Color and cut out. Decorate classroom, home or hang from ceiling to make flying bats!

Be careful the kids know they’re making bats and not butterflies…and also keep an eye on them as you’d be surprised how creative they can get when left alone for two minutes!

***

PUMPKINS

The instructions are simple but I changed it slightly from the site I found it on. You will need an A4 sheet of paper, crayons, scissors, tape and glue.

Here’s the diagram:

(via)

1. Cut sheet of A4 paper in half.

2. Color one half of A4 paper on both sides either orange or red or yellow.

3. Fold sheet vertically once. Then fold vertically again so you have a thin strip of paper.

4. Open up paper and cut along folded lines. You should have four strips of paper.

5. Lay strips on top of each other in a * formation as above in the diagram, gluing each strip to each other with a dot of glue in the center. It’ll make it easier for the kids to form a sphere.

6. Starting with the bottom strip, bring the two ends together and secure with tape. Do this with all four strips, securing them both to each other AND to the other strips to form a sphere.

7. For the stem: cut a small piece of paper off the other half of the A4 sheet. Color green on both sides. Form a cylinder with it and secure with tape. Cut slits in cylinder halfway and fray the end. Glue to the top of the pumpkin.

You can either create your own pumpkin patch or tie a string through the top and hang from the ceiling or in a window.

Categories
comedy funny humor kids quotes South Korea

‘I am NO potato.’ – Quote Friday 10/19

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Two kids are calling each other names in Korean before class. Suddenly one of them stands up and screams, really offended, in English:

‘I am NO potato!!!’

LEGO logo

***

Me: ‘What’s your favorite holiday?’

Kid: ‘Children’s Day.’

Me: ‘Why?’

Kid: ‘I make Lego.’

***

Yesterday, I walked into class. A little boy is sitting among the 13 students I already have in my grade one class. I point at him.

Me: ‘Who are you?’

Other students: ‘New!! New student!!’

I sighed, having not been told I was getting a new student. I head to my co-teacher’s classroom next door to ask about him.

Me: ‘I have a new student?’

Her: ‘WHAT?! No!’

We both head back to my classroom where she beckons the little boy over and speaks to him briefly in Korean. The kid then goes to fetch his cell-phone and returns. My co-teacher looks at me.

Her: ‘He wants to try the class for today.’

Me: ‘Ok.’

Her: ‘He has to call his mom and let her know where he is.’

Me: ‘O..k…’

He goes off to call his mom to tell her he’s testing out an English class, returns and is perfect in class.

It’s worth noting, he’s 7.

***

At The Canadian One’s kindergarten school, one of the other male foreign teachers has curly hair.

Kid: ‘Your hair is like ramen.’

Teacher: ‘So?’

Kid: ‘I want to eat it and make you bald.’

***

The Canadian One while teaching about space shuttles and space stations: They’d just watched a video about a space station.

Kid raises hand.

‘But where’s mission control?’

He’s 6!

***

The Canadian One and I make up tongue twisters on the way home from Costco:

‘I can’t believe how much I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter we own.’

Say three times fast…we were useless at it!

***

DON’T FORGET, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD ABOUT YOUR CAT, A CAT STORY (FICTION IS OK) TO ‘CAT WEEK: LIKE SHARK WEEK BUT FLUFFIER’ SEND IT TO US: jenny@theketchupwar.com

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids random

‘Love is…’

love feetI once said:

‘Love is stealing Hawaii 5-O posters…at 4am…in the rain…’

And I wholeheartedly stand by that statement.

Here’s what some others had to say about love:

What is love to you? Hit up the comments and let us know!

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

RE: Obama: ‘I don’t wanna see his mustache all over the TV.’ – Quote Friday 10/05

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Firstly, this is only my second day at school this week due to Korean Thanksgiving so I ain’t got a lot to share but my students DID do writing work during the break and came up with some gems during their written work.

Before all that, a note pinned to the wall outside our local bar explaining it’s closed for Thanksgiving:

***

Kid: ‘I don’t like buddism because I go to church.’

***

Kid: ‘Today is my mom and dad wedding anniversary but I’m not give my present but my parents say ‘we’re precious in your and be born’. That time my heart is moved and my heart happy cry.’

***

Kid, re: Costco trip: ‘There were many people so I experience inconvenience.’

***

***

***

***

***

***

***

From my mother, who’s a music teacher in Ireland:

While teaching a kid what an octave is:

Mam: ‘Ok, think of an octopus? How many legs does an octopus have?’

Kid: ‘Three!’

***

From April and her 7-year-old kindergarten students:

Kid: ‘Teacher, did you vote for Obama?’

Rich Teacher, joking: ‘Did YOU for Obama?’

Kid, thinks: ‘Nah, I don’t like his mustache. I don’t wanna see his mustache all over the TV.’

***

***

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘Oh teacher, your font is very good.’ – Quote Friday 09/21

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

I write something on the whiteboard.

Kid: ‘Oh teacher, your font is very good.’

***

flag of Denmark
Denmark!

I draw a window on the board.

Kid: ‘Ou, Denmark!’

***

During a test, two boys are talking:

Me: ‘What are you doing?!’

Kid 1: ‘A test?’

***

Two boys are fighting while a girl watches. I look at her. She points at them.

Little Girl: ‘Gay style.’

***

Rumors spread through the school that the school had hired a ‘hot, Chinese-American boy’ as the new official school English teacher. This is two days later:

Kid 1: ‘Oh teacher, we have new English teacher.’

Me: ‘Really?’

Kid: ‘Yes, Haley Teacher.’

Me: ‘Oh, a girl?’

Kid: ‘No, a boy.’

Me: ‘Haley’s a girl’s name.’

Kid 2: ‘No, it’s not.’

Me: ‘Fine.’

Kid: ‘Oh, teacher, you and Haley teacher, together, love.’

Me: ‘Um…no.’

Kid: ‘Do you have boyfriend?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘Is he Korean?’

Me: ‘No, he’s Canadian.’

Kid: ‘Oh, Haley teacher too! Oh, teacher, boyfriend change. Canada. Canada. Boyfriend change!!!’

Me: ‘I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.’

Kid: ‘Think about it.’

Me: ‘OK.’

***

Kid: ‘You have smart eyes.’

***

Me: ‘Do you like the beach?’

Kid: ‘No, I don’t like jellyfish but they are nice in salad.’

***

A kid tries to hand me something stupid.

Me: ‘No thanks.’

Kid: ‘In Korea culture, you should take a gift.’

***

I hand a kid a piece of candy. She looks at me, smiles and says: ‘Always look on the bright side.’

***

I throw the pen onto the desk after marking the homework as I didn’t need it anymore.

Kid: ‘Oh teacher, bad habit!’

***

A kid is messing about in class. I tell him to stop.

Kid sitting in front of him: ‘Hit him!!’

Me: ‘I can’t hit students. I’m not allowed.’

Kid 1: ‘I’ll do it!!’

Kid 2: ‘Me first!!!’

Me: ‘Stop, no…No-one’s hitting anyone!’

***

At pub quiz, answering a question regarding who sings the song that was just played:

Me: ‘Kelly Rowland.’

The Canadian One: ‘From X Factor?’

***

Me, upon receiving a text, to The Canadian One: ‘Ou, Ursula and Amy invited me over on Saturday to watch Magic Mike, eat pizza and drink vodka. I’m in!’

Pause.

Me: ‘Magic Mike is the stripper movie.’

Pause.

Me: ‘I don’t think they actually appear naked in the movie. I think it’s just about a dude who is a stripper.’

The Canadian One: ‘It’s OK. I don’t think stripper Mike is gonna jump outta the TV and rape you.’

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea South Korea

‘Giraffe is no tall.’ – Quote Friday 09/14

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Guy to girl who’s just explained how a guy she recently went on a date with used the ‘let me tell your fortune’ line on her to hold her hand: ‘Uh huh, and then he’ll be like I wanna tell your fortune…from inside you…’

***

Same guy, during dinner in a fancy hotel: ‘Am I making too many orgy jokes?’

***

Guy: ‘There are plenty of girls who want to see my Google history.’

***

A kid draws all over the board messily with a board marker.

Other kid, gasps, ‘Teacher!! White board terror!!!’

***

Me: ‘What’s tall?’

Kid: ‘A giraffe.’

Me: ‘Very good!’

Kid 2: ‘Teacher, giraffe is no tall. Giraffe has long neck. It’s no tall.’

***

Some pictures from April Lynn Amador and her 6 year old Kindergarten students!

***

I call mam at 12:20am.

Mam: ‘I’m knitting you a hat. I wanna know what kinda hat you’d like.’

Me: ‘One with ear flaps. Like flaps that cover my ears.’

Mam: ‘Ok. Do you have a hat like that already?’

Me: ‘Yes. It’s got stuff inside it.’

Mam: ‘Oh lining. I can put lining in it.’

Me: ‘No, not lining.’

Mam: ‘Like the stuff in the hat I got you at Northface.’

Me: ‘No, it’s fluffy.’

Mam: ‘It’s lining.’

Me: ‘No, it’s not the same. It’s fluffy. It’s like…3D…I can pet it.’

Pause.

Mam: ‘You can pet it? Does it have a name? Do you feed it?’

Me: ‘I don’t want a hat anymore. Go away!’

We end the conversation and The Canadian One comes into the bedroom.

Him: ‘What was that about?’

Me: ‘She’s making me a hat. I was trying to describe that hat to her (pointing to my hat on the ground). I told her the fluff was 3D.’

Pause. He takes a deep breath.

Him: ‘You do realize the entire hat is 3D, right? I mean everything you touch is 3D.’

Pause.

Me: ‘Shut up!’

Mam calls back at 9:19am.

Mam: ‘I made you a hat. I sent you a picture.’

Me: ‘ALREADY?!!’

I check my phone.

Me: ‘IT HAS EAR FLAPS!!!!! YAAAAAY!!!’

TA-DA!!

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘Teacher’s head is sad.’ – Quote Friday 09/06

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

sun
Photo by Constantina Dirica

This week I started my new job. So far, so good….

***

Me to The Canadian One: ‘I don’t understand. If the sun is a star and all stars are suns, why aren’t the stars yellow and not white?’

***

While discussing people coming over to the house unannounced when the house is a mess:

The Canadian One: ‘Surprise visits aren’t surprised at all. They’re intrusions.’

***

Me: ‘I didn’t wanna hit you.’

Guy: ‘That’s not the first time a girl’s said that to me.’

***

Regarding Facebook pokes:

Guy: ‘The Internet: Made for being gay.’

***

Me: ‘What’s an adult?’

Kid: ‘A big human.’

***

Some kids are messing about in class.

Kid sitting behind them: ‘ACT YOUR AGE!!!’

***

On my first day:

Me: ‘What do you think a class rule is?’

Grade One kid who’s been learning English for 6 months: ‘PAY ATTENTION!!’

***

Kid looks at my frizzy hair.

Kid: ‘Teacher’s head is sad.’

***

Me: ‘Where am I from?’

Kid: ‘Mexico!’

Entire class stares at her.

Other kid, slowly to the first kid: ‘Ireland.’

***

Kid puts her hand up to answer a question. The kid next to her puts her hand up too. I pick the second kid.

First kid: ‘Oh teacher, I am disappointed in you.’

***

In Korea, all teachers are called by their first name plus teacher. So I am ‘Jenny Teacher’. While doing an introducing yourself unit in the book:

Me: ‘What’s my first name?’

Kid: ‘Jenny.’

Me: ‘What’s my last name? ‘

Kid: ‘Teacher!’

***

While doing a ‘What does she look like?’ task, the question is to fill in the blanks about your teacher.

In the book: ‘Mr. / Ms. ____________ is _______________.’ They’re supposed to write tall or short.

Me: ‘Ms….’

One little boy: ‘Mr?…Oh wait…no….wait….noooo….Ms….’

Me: ‘Eh,yes…Ok, Jenny is….’

Kid 2: ‘Friendly.’

Me: ‘Ha, thanks but tall or short?’

Kid 1 again: ‘Jenny is a she.’

Me: ‘I AM!! Well done!’

***

Kid: ‘I have Green’s homework….’

I look at him, confused. He looks at the book in his hand.

Kid: ‘Glenn’s….I have GLENN’S homework.’

***

Ridiculous Parental Interaction of the Week:

The basic points system in my class works like this: Get five points, get a stamp. Speak Korean, minus two points. Annoy me in general, minus one point. 42 stamps (co-teacher’s doing, not mine) and they get a present. Each class, the kids start with zero points and go up and down in points throughout the class. It’s a simple concept and kids take no more than five minutes to grasp it.

My second day, Tuesday: A kid, Nikita, speaks Korean to Ted, the kid next to her. I deduct two points from each of them. That afternoon I’m called into my co-teacher’s (CO-T) classroom.

Her: ‘Do you know Nikita? She was sitting with Ted?’

Me: ‘Yeah, I remember her.’

Her: ‘Her mom called. You minus her two points?’

Me: ‘Yeah, she spoke Korean.’

Her: ‘She went home and cried and she said it was the little boy next to her not her. So her mom called Ted’s mom to complain about Ted and then called us to complain about her minus points.’

Me: ‘Ok.’

Her: ‘She says she did not speak Korean. You must be mistaken.’

Me: ‘I’m not. She did.’

Her: ‘No, Nikita is a good student. I don’t think she would.’

Me: ‘No, I wouldn’t have deducted points from her unless she spoke Korean.’

Her: ‘I talked with her mom and she said Nikita says she didn’t. I told her it was your first time with the class and you confused the names and should have minus points from someone else. She wants you to give her her two points back.’

I look at her with a look that clearly says ‘Are you f*&king kidding me?’.

Me: ‘O…k….but it doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t mean anything. I took two points but it’s just in class. Like, I give points and then if they get five points they get a stamp. She didn’t have many points, it didn’t make a difference.’

Her: ‘You must give her two points.

Me: ‘But it doesn’t work like that. I mean, each class they start at zero.’

Her: ‘Give her two points. And comfort her.’

Me: ‘O…k….’

I leave.

I don’t teach that class on Wednesday.

Thursday: My CO-T comes into my classroom.

Her: ‘Today, you must give Nikita a present to say sorry.’ (Bare in mind, the kid got punished for speaking Korean in class when she knew she wasn’t supposed to, then went home and lied to her mom about it and now I had to give her a present to say sorry)

I blink and stare at my CO-T.

Me: ‘What kind of present?’ (I look around my desk) ‘I don’t think I have anything to give her.’

Her: ‘Just something. I told her and her mom you would give her a present today.’

She leaves and I find a chocolate cookie still in date in my desk.

I go into my CO-T’s classroom.

Me: ‘How do I give Nikita a present without all the other kids freaking out about not getting a present?’

Her: ‘They know. I explained to the class yesterday that you would be giving Nikita a present.’

I nodded slowly, wondering exactly what she told the kids I did wrong to warrant giving Nikita a present.

She takes out an empty stamp sheet and holds it in front of me.

Her: ‘When they are good, they get stamps. They like stamps. They are important because when they fill the stamp sheet they get some kind of present…’

Me, cutting her off: ‘I understand that.’

Her: ‘And you minus two stamps…’

Me, cutting her off again: ‘Points.’

She looks at me.

Me: ‘I took two points not stamps.’

Her: ‘You didn’t X out stamps?’

Me: ‘NO! I minused her two points. In my class they earn points and five points gets a stamp.’ I start drawing it on the board. ‘If they are naughty, I take away two points, not stamps.’

Long pause.

Her: ‘So this doesn’t matter? It was just two points?’

Me: ‘Yes!!’

She nods slowly, then laughs, then shakes her head in disbelief.

Her: ‘It doesn’t matter…’ (mainly to herself)

Me: ‘No. It doesn’t. Every class they start at zero. Nikita didn’t have enough points to get close to getting a stamp. It didn’t matter that I took two points. It made no difference to her.’

My CO-T shakes her head.

Pause

Her: ‘Remember to give her a present.’

I sighed, nodded and left.

Class time rolled round. Nikita got her present. I turned my back to write on the board, I hear kids talking in Korean at the back of the classroom where Nikita, Matt and Ted are sitting. I look at them. Matt looks guilty.

Me: ‘Matt!’

Matt: ‘Nikita!!’ (pointing at Nikita)

I look at Nikita who looks sheepish. I look at three other students also pointing out Nikita as the culprit. I sigh and continue with class not bothering to punish anyone the entire lesson.

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘Kids can be evil.’ – Quote Friday 08/31

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

And so ends my time at my current elementary school. A year has passed and a new school with new students awaits me on Monday. Having spent the day clearing out my classroom, watching the first 45 minutes of Monster’s Vrs Aliens three times and convincing my co-teacher that tossing out over 100 brand new books into the trash was not a good idea, I’d say my last day went quite well.

***

Recruiter: ‘How do you deal with naughty kids cos kids….kids can be evil.’

***

Me: ‘Can I see my contract?’

Employer: ‘Why would you want to see your contract?’

Me: ‘I’ve not read it yet.’

Employer: ‘Is there a problem?’

Me: ‘No, I’ve just not seen it yet.’

Employer: ‘I can’t show you yours…but I can show you someone else’s.’

***

After disappointing me by telling me I can’t print the stupid thing he just said:

The Canadian One: ‘Don’t worry, I’ll say something stupid by the end of the week.’

***

From The Canadian One’s kindergarten class:

Jets are flying by. We are close to an airport.

One kid: ‘Teacher, is that Zeus??’

Other kids: ‘Typhoon!!’

***

Me: ‘LUCAS STOP POKING KATE!!’

***

Kid: ‘Is b-boy a job?’

***

Me: ‘Name a job.’

Kid: ‘Mayor!!’

***

Kid, regarding the kid next to her: ‘TEACHER, he touching my pencil.’

I look. The other kid’s not doing anything.

Kid: ‘TEACHER, he touching my pencil….He touching MY BOOK…!!!’

I look again. The other kid looks at me and shrugs.

Kid: ‘TEACHER!!!’

Brainy Smurf
Putting in Oscar worthy performances

Me: ‘Alright, just stop whatever you’re doing. Stop touching her things.’

***

Me: ‘Who’s your favorite actor?’

Kid: ‘A Smurf.’

***

Trying to guess what the treasure is in the story we’re reading:

Me: ‘What’s the treasure?’

Kid: ‘It’s a golden penguin.’

I look at him. He’s pointing to the last page nodding.

Kid: ‘Golden penguin.’

***

To a class I genuinely think are a nightmare:

Me: ‘Next week you will have a new teacher.’

Kids: ‘Why?’

Me: ‘Jenny teacher will go to a new school.’

Kid 1: ‘Home?’

Me: ‘No, new school.’

Kid 2: ‘Are you happy?’

Me: ‘No, of course not. I’ll miss you guys.’

Kid 2, eyeing me suspiciously: ‘Why you smile?’

Me, smiling: ‘I’m not smiling.’

Kid 2 stares at me.

***

Me: ‘What makes you relaxed?’ (question in the book)

Kid: ‘Studying English makes me relaxed.’

Me: ‘Really?…’

Kid: ‘Yes, it’s very fun.’

***

Me: ‘Ok, you need to think of three questions you’d ask your favorite movie star if you met him or her.’

Kid: ‘What’s in the stadium?’

Pause.

Me: ‘What…stadium?’

***

While watching the opening credit of a movie, the 20th Century Fox logo comes on.

Little boy, reading: ‘Fox? (pointing at the screen) ‘WHY FOX?!!!’ 20th Century Fox CGI logo used from 1994 to 20...

***

Kid: ‘How do you spell TV?’

Kid next to him: ‘TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV!!!!’

***

We’ve been reading a story about a parrot named Pippin who runs away and then eventually comes back. While watching ‘Rio‘:

Little boy, pointing at the parrot on the TV: ‘PIPPIN!!!’

***

Guy, describing a girl: ‘She looks like a creme egg.’

***

I’m on the phone with The Canadian One after a job interview:

Me: ‘Hang on…’

I put the phone at my side and placed an order at the coffee shop.

Me: ‘Hello?’

Him: ‘Are you at Manoffin (a muffin shop I frequent whenever I pass one)?’

I freeze.

Me: ‘HOW did you know that?’

Him: ‘You just ordered a latte and a glazed…thing…’

I looks around me holding my iced latte and glazed banana muffin convinced he could see me from somewhere.

***

The Canadian One and his friend are discussing music:

‘Michelle Pfeiffer killed rap metal.’

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, your boyfriend name?’

Me: ‘Ian.’

One kid looks at me, then stands up, walks across the room to where I keep all the Grade One workbooks and starts sifting through them. He pulls one out of the stack and holds it up.

Kid: ‘Like this?’

I look at the book. It’s from my student, Ian.

Me: ‘Yes…How…did…you know that I have a student called Ian?’

Kid: ‘I don’t know.’

He puts the book back.

Kid 2: ‘I…An.’

Me: ‘No…Ian.’

I write it on the board.

Kid 2: ‘Hahahahaha Teacher, change ‘n’ to ‘m’ and write one more time, I AM IAN.’

Then she laughed for a full 30 seconds.

***

Recruiter, after I told him I didn’t want the job he was offering: ‘I can’t handle this without you.’

Several more text messages and unanswered phone calls from him later and never have I been more convinced I made the right decision not to work with someone.

***

Submitted by Preston Wilson:

It’s so rewarding teaching children. This is a 7 year old writing a story in his second language. He is super into Medieval Hero’s!!! No edits. I type it as I see it, even grammar and spelling.

‘The young knigt Sairus

Sairus lived in house. One day he’s father died. he went to god’s king he wanted revange. Then darkness knight and Sairus fought. Last, god’s king and young knight fought. He blocked and blocked with the sword. He attacked and jump. He moved side way and attacked with amazing technique attack of the anger. then, he attacked 5 times and poke 2 times. He jump, block, move side way and block with sword. Last god’s king was stunned but 10 seconds latter he attacked! He tried to pocked but Sairus catch the sword and pocked the god’s king! Soon god’s king was dead. Tale is done. Done.’

His name is Andy! I love this kid so much!! Makes me feel amazing that he can write something like this.
***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘I’M NOT OK!!!’ – Quote Friday 08/24

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Before I launch into this week’s Quote Friday, I just wanna point out an awesome website / wedding invitation that was sent to me (to look at, not to go to the wedding….just to be clear). It didn’t make it into this week’s timewasters but IT. IS. AWESOME. And may will make you cry…at your desk…in front of other people…cos it’s just so damn cute. Ketchup World, meet Jess and Russ.

Moving on.

Between job hunting, going for interviews and stalking the mailman waiting on a letter from Canada regarding my visa, I feel like I’ve not had a lot of time this week and am failing to believe that it is actually Friday today.

Yesterday:

Me, reading from the book: ‘What day is it today?’

Kid: ‘Tuesday.’

Me: ‘No, it’s Thursday.’

Kid: ‘It’s Tuesday.’

Kid next to her nods.

Me: ‘It’s not. It’s Thursday. Isn’t it? Is it? Wait, lemme check.’

Google confirmed, yes, yes it was Thursday. Kids still looked skeptical though.

This week also marked the last week of random arty/science classes and as such, I have spend the week being quite arty.

Not on purpose, mind you. I got forced into teaching a ‘Clay Cooking Class’ to a bunch of 7 year olds who spoke no, and I mean NO, English. Though thankfully they all understood not to eat the clay unlike those 7 year olds I had in science who tried to lick a battery.

God, kids are stupid.

Moving on.

Here is some of the arty crap I got to make this week:

Bibimbap, a traditional Korean dish

Meanwhile, The Canadian One and I had to do an airport run to pick up some newbies.

I made a sign.

He made a sign.

And although you may think his was better, he did look like ‘a sixteen year old waiting for Justin Bieber’ (- his words, not mine) and I didn’t.

***

I often wonder exactly what The Canadian One does all day at work. Luckily, his 6 year old kindergarteners write about it.

Women’s clothing….?

***

Boy: ‘Teacher, teacher, gaaaaame!! Let’s play Dancing Queen!!’

And with that he leaps from his seat into the middle of the classroom and starts disco dancing.

***

From The Canadian One:

The Canadian One: ‘Are you sure you’re a book helper?’ (to a kid handing out books, a job for kids dubbed ‘Book Helpers’)

6 year old kid: ‘Yes, trust me.’

***

After a listening task, I stop the CD.

Me: “Is everyone OK? Do we need to listen to it one more time?’

Class: ‘It’s ok. No.’

One kid: ‘I’M NOT OK!!!’

***

Splitting the class up for a game:

Me: “Kevin, you’re on Calvin’s team. Kitty, you’re with Lucas.’

Lucas: ‘YESSSS!!’

I look at him.

Lucas: ‘Kevin is not smart.’

***

The Canadian One: ‘Why is there bread in the recycling?’

Me: ‘Ohhhhh, yeah, I sometimes get confused in the mornings and I had the bread and the plastic thingy and I…I just put it all in the recycling.’

He stares at me.

Me: ‘I also put my pen in my lunch box….I’m not so good with the morning time.’

***

The Canadian One, after I explain why I need help downloading something: ‘You need a life coach.’

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘BUT I GO TO THE SEA!!’ – Quote Friday – 08/10

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Yesterday was The Canadian One’s birthday and on Tuesday, I taught an Art Class in which we made ostriches.

Me: ‘I made you something at school for your birthday.’

Him: ‘Is it an ostrich?’

Me: ‘…No.’

Him: ‘It’s an ostrich, isn’t it?’

Me: ‘…No.’

Him: ‘You made me an ostrich, didn’t you?’

Me: ‘I did not make you an ostrich.’

Pause

Him: ‘It’s an ostrich, isn’t it?’

Me: ‘NOT ANYMORE IT ISN’T!’

An Ostrich: Not made by me but by a seven year old

***

On Wednesday:

Me: ‘We made cats!’

Him: ‘Did you make me a catrich?’ (cat + ostrich)

Me: ‘Yes, yes I made you a catrich….tomorrow frog….oh wait….I was trying to combine frog and dog….but it’s already a word.

***

I did, however, make him a cake.

What kinda cake do you make a diabetic for his birthday? A Cheese Cake!

***

Stupid Moment of the Week:

Me, after drinking two glasses of milk: ‘I feel like a cow. Oh wait, cows don’t drink milk. Nevermind.’

***

Me: ‘How are you?’

Kid: ‘Me?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘Now?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘I’m everything.’

***

Turns out I say ‘Ok, so…’ A LOT.

I stand in front of the class and open my book.

Entire class: ‘Ok, soooooooo…’

***

Me: ‘There is one flower.’

Grade Ones: ‘There is one flower.’

Me: ‘There is one cloud.’

Grade Ones: ‘There is one flower.’

Me: ‘No, there is one cloud.’

Grade Ones: ‘There is one flowd.’

Me: ‘CLOUD!’

Grade Ones: ‘Cloud.’

Me: ‘There is one cloud.’

Grade Ones: ‘There is one flower.’

Me: ‘I give up.’

***

Kid: ‘Me minus one sticker!’

Me: ‘You have no homework!’

Kid: ‘BUT I GO TO THE SEA…THE SEA!!’

***

Kid 1: ‘I lost my homework book CD.’

Kid 2: ‘I lost my homework book but I have the homework book CD.’

Me: ‘Well, then together you can do homework!’

***

Calling attendance:

Me: ‘Tony?’

Kid: ‘No.’

Me: ‘Where’s Tony?’

Kid: ‘Tony is…his home….’

Kid does a little dance.

Kid 2: ‘At the disco? His home is disco?’

***

From Kindergarten class submitted by April Lynn Amador:

Kid: ‘Um teacher? Sometimes I have a fart when I do the study.’

***

For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘TEACHER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!’ – Quote Friday 07/27

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

And so the week wraps up with the start of my vacation week and a month of uncertainty to follow. You see, yesterday, my company announced that my school no longer wishes to partake in the after-school English programme anymore thus rendering both my job and my co-teacher’s job obsolete…aka, we were let go. Or at least we will be come August 31st.

‘I am supposed to tell you after vacation but I thought I would tell you before so you can prepare.’ – My manager trying to give me the silver lining of ‘in a month you’ll have no job and unless you find one, you may not have a visa to stay in the country either…oh and you’ll also have no health insurance…’

In other, school related matter, this has been the first week of the ‘summer schedule’, whereby my students are on vacation from normal school and come to me in the daytime instead. Half my students are missing / away in a far flung, much more interesting land, and the classes are starting a whole four hours earlier than usual. Any takers on what the most complained about thing has been this week?

Yep, kids moaning that they’re in class at 10am on a vacation day and that it’s hot outside. Very very hot outside.

Oh and I now teach Science and Art as a special ‘summer class’ for grades 1-3…who speak absolutely zero English…and the classes are 75 minutes long…Here’s a sample of what we made this week:

Pop-Up Binoculars…We went outside and looked at bugs
A magnet tree
A Syringe Crane…or something you’d see on the set of Breaking Bad I would imagine
I have no idea what this is! It said ‘A Flute’ but all I heard was ‘Annoying object that will require you to need an Aspirin after the kids make it’

As usual, never to be outdone, my students in their art class just prior to mine, made these:

Moving on!

This week also deal with the aftermath of Mosquito Attack 2012:

Me on Day Two following Mosquito Attack 2012

My students regarding the GIANT blotches all over my legs:

Kid, staring at my legs: ‘Teacher….um….cry?’

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, why?!!’

Me: ‘Mosquitoes.’

Kid: ‘A BIG MOSQUITO?!!!’

Me: ‘No no, there was more than one!’

***

I scratch my leg in class.

Kid: ‘TEACHER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!’

***

Kid, giving advice on how to kill a mosquito: ‘Teacher, baseball bat and hit.’

***

A kid is lying on a desk.

Me: ‘Andrew, you can’t sleep on the desk in class.’

Kid: ‘I’m not sleeping on the desk. I’m sleeping on my hand.’

***

Me, reading the sentence in the book: ‘It is fun to tickle the little baby.’

Kid: ‘PICKLE???!!’

***

The Web-Designing Singer regarding me saying ‘Dor-ee-toes’ as oppose to ‘Dor-ee-do’: ‘The British always like to put T into things, it’s like they get halfway through a word and think ouuu let’s stop for some T, shall we?’

***

Next week there’ll be no Quote Friday as I’m on a week off school but it’ll be back August 10th. In the meantime, feel free to check out past Quote Friday’s here:

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet kids Korea random

Art Smart – A Saturday Short

It’s monsoon month here in Korea and my students have been arriving with all manner of different size / shape / color / cartoon character umbrellas but by far, the most interesting one was the ‘I drew my own umbrella’ umbrella from one of the girls in my last class on a Thursday.

As the girls insisted on being in the photo, I can only publish a section of the arty umbrella but what a fantastic idea for a rainy day…literally. Decorate your own umbrella, go play outside in the rain with it!! Perfect!

In honor of Rebecca’s umbrella, I recalled wandering upon this smart art online. I’ve lost the source but if you know it, send me an email and I’ll link it / credit it, no problem!

For more funny, random posts, check out:

And of course, there’s always more in The Index.

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘They think we’re American.’ – Quote Friday 07/06

Quote Friday: A round-up of the best quotes from my elementary school kids in South Korea this week!

Ridiculous WordPress Stat Notice of the Week:

Someone Googled ‘in what part of canada the strippers earn more money?’ and found me…

What the WHAT?! of the Week:

While walking through our neighborhood on Wednesday on the way to watch The Amazing Spiderman, The Canadian One and I (The Shamrock) had a woman and her son jump out at us, waving their arms in celebration and wishing us:

 ‘HAPPY DAY!!’

I smiled politely while The Canadian One did what I should have done, leaned away slightly with suspicion and caution. While the incident confused The Canadian One, I came up with only one explanation:

‘They think we’re American.’

REALLY?!?!! Conversation of the Week:

I walk into my classroom to my co-teacher, who has her own classroom, messing about with my clock.
 
Me: ‘What are you doing?’
 
Her: ‘Changing the time.’
 
Me: ‘It’s five minutes slow. I know. I did that.’
 
Her: ‘The parents complain you let the students go home five minutes early.’
 
I look momentarily confused.
 
Me: ‘I don’t. I let them go at the right time.’
 
She changes my clock to the correct time.
 
Me: ‘No, no, I changed the clock because all the students start packing their stuff too early and I don’t want them to so I changed the time on the clock…about three months ago.’
 
Her: ‘The parents complain.’
 
Me: ‘Ok, but…I’m changing my clock back.’
 
Reluctantly, she hands me back my clock and I change it back again.
 
And onto Quotes…Happy Quote Friday!
 
During a tick-the-boxes worksheet:
 
CD: ‘It’s warm in spring’
 
Choices a) A snowy picture or b) A spring picture.
 
Me: ‘What’s the answer?’
 
Kid: ‘B.’
 
Me: ‘And what’s the sentence?’
 
Pause
 
Kid 2: ‘IT’S B.’
 
I look at him.
 
Kid 2: ‘It’s a sentence!’
 
***
 
Me: ‘Your homework is pages 34-37.’
 
Kid: ‘FOUR PAGES!!’
 
Kid 2: ‘I want my money back!’
 
***
 
During a break, the younger kids are messing about. One kid tries to kick another kid from the other side of a desk but misses.
 
Kid 2: ‘Hahahaha, you have short legs!!’
 
We had literally just learned body parts, etc in the previous class. I was so proud!…Until I had to break up the ensuing fight.
 
***
 
Kid: ‘He goes go camping.’
 
Kid 2: ‘NO!’
 
Kid: ‘He goes go camping.’
 
Kid 2: ‘NOOOO!’
 
Kid: ‘It says!!! He goes go camping.’
 
Kid 2: ‘NO GO!! NOOOOO GOOOOOOO!!!’
 
Kid: ‘He goes…camping?’
 
Kid 2 exhales.
 
***
 
Me: ‘Today we will do all of unit 6.’
 
Kid: ‘No thanks.’
 
Me: ‘That wasn’t a question.’
 
Kid: ‘Oh…’
 
***
 
I immediately regret the page in the book that says: ‘Interview your English teacher and write up the interview.’
 
Among the questions I got asked:
 
‘Do you have a Korean name?’
 
‘Are you intimate with Korean teacher?’ (who’s female and works in the next classroom)
 
‘Do you have boyfriend?’
 
‘Do you like fruit?’
 
‘What are you weight?’
 
‘After school you do what?’
 
‘England and Korea which is better?’
 
‘How much you get monthly salary?’
 
‘Will you marry me?’
 
Luckily class ended before I answered….well, any of them! Thank God for well-timed classes!
 
Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘A SNOOOOOOW PERSON!’ – Quote Friday – 06/22

Quote Friday: A round-up of the best quotes from my elementary school students in South Korea this week!

 

While trying to help another kid spell ‘quiet’, the kid writes a ‘p’ on the board.

Kid 2: ‘No, NO!! Q!!! Q!!!! No P!!! Q….it’s P’s friend!!’

***

A kid runs into my class with a certificate of achievement.

Kid: ‘Look! Look! School king give me!!!’

***

Me: ‘What do lions eat?’

Kid: (without missing a beat) ‘Teachers.’

***

We read a story about a detective cat called Cleo.

Me: ‘What’s a detective?’

Kid: ‘Like Sherlock Holmes.’

Me: ‘Great, so what’s Cleo?’

Kid: ‘…Sherlock….Cat?’

***

I explain to my class that my next class (my 4:10 class) has been cancelled and so they are my last class. They are faffing about not working so I tell them I can stay alllllll day and teach them the three pages we have to finish.

One kid screams and plays.

Kid 2: ‘IF YOU SHOUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOING HOOOOOOOOOOME!! SHHHHHHHHHH!!’

***

While explaining to my class during Open Class they will be required to work in pairs, something this particular class loathes. One boy is shaking his head in disgust saying ‘No, no, no.’

Me: ‘Ok, but for Open Class, your head can say no, but your face must say yes.’

Kid thinks for a moment.

He smiles, nods and says: ‘No.’

Me: ‘At least you’re smiling.’

***

While teaching grade one ‘How are you?’:

Me: ‘I’m good.’

Little boy, mishearing me: ‘I’m cute??’ (looking at me skeptically…and shaking his head)

***

I hold up a picture of a polar bear:

Me: ‘What’s this?’

Kid: ‘A penguin’s friend.’

***

Me: ‘What’s a pet?’

Kid: ‘A easy animal.’

***

I’ve just finished explaining for open class next Friday (06/29), they need to bring a pencil but do not need a book.

Me: ‘To recap, what do you not bring?’

Kids: ‘The book.’

Me: ‘Great and what DO you bring?’

Kids: ‘A pencil.’

Kid 1: ‘And our…inside our heads.’

Me: ‘Yes, your brain!’

***

Me: ‘Do you have a pet?’

Kid: ‘No. My friend have hamster but it die. It live on veranda and cold and die.’

Sad but really, all I could think was, ‘how do you know the word veranda’?!!

***

Me: ‘Where’s your book?’

Little Boy: ‘In my handbag.’

Me: ‘You don’t have a handbag. That’s a backpack. A handbag is for girls…usually.’

Little Boy: ‘I am handsome?’

Me: ‘What? No, handbag…not handsome.’

Little: ‘I am not handsome??’

Me: ‘What?”

Little Boy: ‘You say I am ugly?!!’

Me: ‘Where’s your book?!!’

Little Boy: ‘Here!…I am handsome?’

***

Me: ‘Ok, so for Open Class this class and that class (next room) will combine and be one big class.’

Kid: ‘WHY?!!’

Me: ‘Because I’m only one teacher and there are two classes.’

Kid: ‘No cut and be half teacher?’

Me: ‘Ummm, nooooo. So, there’ll be 15 students…’

Kid 2: ‘FIFTY?!!!’ (he starts manically counting the 16 desks in the classroom)

Me: ‘One five. Fifteen.’

Kid 2: ‘Ohhhh.’

***

And many more in the Index and on The Wall!

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes random South Korea

‘I did my homework with a paintbrush.’ – Quote Friday 06/15

Quote Friday: A round-up of the best quotes from my elementary school students in South Korea this week!

First up, a non-school quote:

Girl at party last weekend: ‘Where are you from?’

Me: ‘Ireland.’

Girl: ‘Oh, Ireland, Texas?’

Me: ‘No, Ireland the country.’

…Pause…

Girl: ‘You must think I’m really stupid.’

Me: ‘Actually, I’ve been asked that exact question before.’

***

In the middle of repeating vocabulary:

Kid: ‘Teacher, I’m hungry.’

Me: ‘That’s nice. I don’t care.’

Kid: ‘You don’t have food??’

Me: ‘I’m not giving you food!’

Suddenly, a piece of candy hits him on the side of the head. We all turn to see one little boy has throw a candy at him. The kid picks it up and throws it back at kid 2. I take it away from them both and put it on my desk.

Kid 2 has a funny look on his face. I look at him, quizzically. He lifts his hand to reveal a second candy, smiles and then bursts out laughing.

***

Me: ‘What’s skipping?”

Papa Smurf
Do I look like I skip to you?!

Entire class, breaking into The Smurfs theme song: ‘La la la la la la la la la la la!!’

Me: ‘What? That’s The Smurfs! Skipping is this.’

I skip across the classroom.

Kid: ‘Yes, you look like a Smurf.’

Me: ‘Did you just call me a Smurf?’

Kid: ‘Yes, look.’

He gets up and skips across the classroom just like I did.

Kid: ‘See, like a Smurf.’

I look unconvinced.

Kid: ‘I’ll do one more time.’

He does.

Kid: “See. A Smurf.’

***

Kid: ‘I did my homework with a paintbrush.’

Me: ‘What?’

Kid: “I didn’t have a pencil.’

***

One kid touches another kid’s arm.

Kid: ‘Teacher, he’s touching ME!!! Teacher, he’s GAY!!’

***

While studying ‘like’:

Me: ‘What does your mommy like?’ (options on the page include a variation of fruits and vegetables)

Kid: ‘My mom likes money.’

Kid 2: ‘My mom doesn’t like dad.’

***

Two boys are hitting each other with pencils.

Me: “What are you doing?!’

Kid: ‘We’re swordfighting!!’

***

There is paper ALL over my floor.

Me: “What the hell is all this on my floor?!!’

Kid 1: ‘Oh my God, you said a bad word!!’

Me: ‘No, I didn’t.’

Kid 1: ‘Yes, you did! You said ‘what the hell’!’

Me: ‘No, I didn’t!!’

Kid 1: ‘I hear you!!!’

Kid 2: ‘The fan and the paper and whoooosh and paper on floor.’

Kid 1: ‘YOU SAID A BAD WORD!!’

***

From The Canadian One and his Kindergarten students:

I was teaching my students can and will.

One wrote ‘I can ride a bike’ and then, ‘Soon I will smoke.’

That’s a good goal!
***
While I’m checking off a name, a kid grabs a marker and proceeds to write on the board. She’s written the first letter, a ‘C’, when I grab her hand.
Me: ‘WAIT!’
The kid looks down to see she’s holding a permanent marker.
Kid: ‘Oh no!!’
Me: ‘Oh my God!’
Kid: ‘Wait, I can fix.’
Me: ‘What?’
The kid grabs a normal board marker, colors in the ‘C’ and erases the whole thing off the board. It’s spotless and no trace is left.
Me: ‘Wow, that’s magic!!’
Kid 2: ‘It’s no magic, it’s SCIENCE!!’ (shaking her head at me!)
***
A kid is looking under the desk and making a disgusted face. She puts up her hand.
Kid: ‘Teacher, come here. Look.’ (pointing under the desk)
I look at her skeptically.
Kid: ‘It’s ok. No bug.’
***
A kid speaks Korean in my class several times so as punishment I make her stand up with one hand on her head and the other over her mouth. She’s wearing a green sweater. Her friend next to her bursts into laughter.
Kid: ‘Hahahaha, she look like a cactus!!!!’
***
For more Quote Friday, check out:

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

Quote Friday – Some New Quotes and Top 11 Quotes From The Wall

So some of you may noticed last week’s absence of Quote Friday. For this, I apologise. You see between last week and this week, my students have been finishing their old books and starting their new books. This has involved a lot of writing in class and very little speaking other than the occasional, ‘I don’t like the new book’ comments I get with each new book.

The students were also informed this week that Open Class is soon upon us. Ah, Open Class, a day in which the classes are combined via time NOT level (really, where’s the logic??!) and their parents get to come in, watch me try to teach one book to a vast spectrum of different ability students and they write down their thoughts on my class. They essentially grade me on how good I am at, not teaching a normal class under normal everyday circumstances, but how well I fare at teaching kids doing the wrong book at the wrong level with other kids that are waaaaay more advanced than them…Oh and it’s got to be fun too.

This, combined with the new books, the fact that my air conditioning is controlled by a central school system and they don’t deem it hot enough for it to be switched on yet leading to a rise in heat and sleepiness during class and a majority of my students being on field trips recently, has lead to no new and/or interesting quotes from my students.

Except one:

Today, I go down the classroom to break up a fight between two little boys who are calling each other ‘a baby’, moments after I told the entire class off for faffing about and acting like kindergarten students.

Kid 1: ‘You baby!!’

Kid 2: ‘YOU BABY!!’

Me: ‘HEY!’

Kid 1, stands up, pointing at Kid 2: ‘Mommy’s milk, you go, drink!’

I immediately burst into laughter to the surprise of the entire class and had to hide my face behind my book.

***

And so I present to you my Top 11 (cos I couldn’t pick just 10) Quotes From The Wall!

1.

Having just read the sentence: ‘Baby wallabies are born without fur.’

Me: ‘What are baby wallabies born without?’

Kid: ‘Hope.’

***

2.

Me: ‘What’s a baby chicken called?’

Kid: ‘An egg fry.’

***

3.

Me: ‘What’s back to life?’

‘A ghost?’

Me: ‘No.’

‘Dead…then no dead.’

Me: ‘YES!’

‘Zombie.’

Me: ‘OK.’

‘Jesus.’

Me: ‘Yes.’

‘Jesus was a zombie!!’

Me: ‘No…well, maybe.’

‘Yes teacher, Jesus was a zombie!’

Me: ‘Fine, but …don’t tell your mommy I said that!’

***

4.

Me: ‘What’s your favorite book?’

‘Harry Potter.’

Me: ‘What’s the story?’

‘It has no story.’

***

5.

The two BEST definitions I’ve ever gotten:

Me: ‘What are eyebrows?’

Kid: ‘People’s eye fur.’

AND

Me: ‘What’s a ‘tail’?’

‘A dog’s antenna.’

***

6.

I asked my class what is ‘dark’. One student stood up, all excited and proceeded to explain the word dark using very animated hand gestures and random English words. He made no sense but I could tell he knew what it meant. His friend calmly raised his hand. I looked at him and he leaned over to the light switch next to him, knocked off the light….

…and then looked at his friend.

***

7.

I stare, wide-eyed at a child making noise in my class while I’m talking. We had just learned the words ‘egg’, ‘chicken’, ‘lay’ and ‘hatch’.

Kid 1: ‘Teacher, your eyes, so big.’

Kid 2: ‘Teacher teacher, your eyes will hatch!!!’

***

8.

Reading a story about a mother and two kids:

Kid 1: ‘Where is father?’

Me: ‘Maybe on vacation.’

‘Maybe dead.’

Me: ‘OK, or maybe on vacation.’

‘Yes teacher, a forever vacation.’

***

9.

Me: ‘Name a state in America.’

Kid: ‘Loveland.’

‘What? Loveland?’

‘Yes, it’s a state.’

‘No it’s not!’

‘Yes, teacher, my mother and my father go to Loveland and give birth to my brother.’

Pause.

Me: ‘Your mother and your father went to Loveland in America and had your brother?’

‘Yes…it’s a state.’

I literally couldn’t teach for five mins I was laughing so much!

***

10.

Me: ‘Does a penguin lay eggs?’

Kid 1: ‘No.’

Kid 2: ‘YES!!And daddy penguin sit on egg like this’…Mimics sitting on an egg.

Me: ‘Right, very good.’

Kid 3: ‘Yes, and mommy penguin goes to the nightclub and eats fish.’

***

11.

Usually the kids aren’t allowed out of the classroom during class as they run about the school.

Naughtiest kid in my class (boy, 11): ‘Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?’

‘No, you cannot.’

‘But teacher, man’s important part will bomb!!!!’

I was laughing so much, I just let him go!

***

For more, check out:

The Wall of Quotes

‘I am Mommy Monster!’ – May 25th 2012

‘Why do you have tadpoles in my class?’ – May 18th 2012

‘He looks smart.’ – May 11th 2012

‘His skin is bling bling?’ – May 4th 2012

‘Relax!’ – April 27th 2012

‘She is like wi-fi!’ – April 20th 2012

‘Dino-Aliens!! I KNEW IT!!’ – April 13th 2012

‘It’s so bling bling.’ – April 6th 2012

‘She’s a ninja!’ – March 30th 2012

‘A Hand Jacket!’ – March 23rd 2012

‘The Dinosaurs Ate Each Other.’ – March 17th 2012

‘I’ll Give You A Sticker.’ – March 9th 2012

‘SURPRISE DINOSAURS!’ – March 2nd 2012

‘He’s The King!’ – February 24th 2012

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea random South Korea

‘I am mommy monster!’ – Quote Friday

From Colin LaGesse: One of these things in not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong

As I prep for a three-day weekend, Monday is a public holiday, at school, we’re prepping to finish our books. And so ends the first semester of a new school year. Final tests are finished. Reports are written. Books are…well, books are not yet finished but will be by next week. Why, oh why, my school insists on me giving final tests three weeks before we finish the actual books, I don’t know but anyway, ’tis not for me to judge.

Tests always bring out the hatred in my students. Unhappy they’re being tested. Unhappy they didn’t study and will fail. Unhappy with learning English. They don’t like that I give them homework. They don’t like that I make them do work in my class (unlike my co-teacher) and they don’t like that I have a strict no speaking Korean policy (unlike my co-teacher’s very liberal, all-the-Korean-you-want policy).

They don’t like doing tests, sitting in hot classrooms, sitting in cold classrooms, sitting on their chairs in general.

And of course, they blame me for their unhappiness.  

Kid: ‘Teacher, if you go, Lauren Teacher (their previous teacher) will come back!!’

Me: ‘It doesn’t quite work like that.’

***

Kid, (who failed his test) counting the pages left in the book: ‘Eight pages.’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘Teacher, where you live?’

Me: ‘You mean where do I live in Korea or where is my home?’

Kid: ‘Your home.’

Me: ‘Ireland.’

Kid: ‘In eight pages, you go to Ireland?’

Me: ‘No. In eight pages, we get a new book.’

Kid: ‘Oh….’

***

While playing a number guessing game in class.

Another kid gets the answer correct.

Little Girl: ‘Oh, I’m stressed!’

***

Me: ‘Have you ever been in an accident?’

Kid: ‘Yes, when I am 7 years old, I hug the TV. The TV fall and me back and TV on me and I break my leg.’

Me: ‘WHAT?!!’

***

Kid: ‘What the hell?’

Me: ‘Ok, you really need to stop saying that in my class. You can’t say that to me.’

Kid: ‘It’s a bad word?’

Me: ‘Yes and no. You can’t say it to me.’

Kid: ‘Do you say it?’

Me: ‘Yes…but not to you.’

Kid: ‘It’s a swear word?’

Me: ‘Not…It’s not a bad swear word.’

Kid: ‘Like shit?’

Me: ‘No, not like that.’

Kid 2: ‘I’m a good swearer!’

Me: ‘I do not want a demonstration of that!’

***

One of my little kids put her backpack on her front and marched around the class pretending to be pregnant.

Kid: “I AM MOMMY MONSTER!!’

And then she started chasing other kids around.

***

Me: ‘What’s a vegetable?’

Little boy: ‘I don’t like vegetables.’

Little boy next to him: ‘I don’t like YOU.’

***

Kid 1: ‘Teacher…you like….boys….um….big arms?’

She makes a muscle gesture with arms.

Me: ‘Eh…no…not really.’

Kid 2: ‘Teacher, you like…boys…they….ou, chocolate chest?!’

Kid 1: ‘SIX-PACK!!’

I was laughing so much and I couldn’t speak!

***

Doing questions in class: A little boy has his hand up.

Little boy: ‘Oh ME ME ME!!’

Me: ‘Yes, Andy?’

Little boy: (shocked I picked him) ‘Oh my God!’

***

Me: ‘What would you like to do?’

Kid: ‘I would like to…book with people’s skin…’

Me: ‘What?’

Kid: ‘They make book with the people’s skin….pages…I want to touch.’

Me: ‘They what? Who? Who made a book out of people’s skin?!’

Kid: ‘I don’t know. I see on TV. Our science teacher tell us. I want to touch people’s skin book.’

Me: ‘Ewwww, that’s horrible. What TV programme?’

Kid 2: ‘Ohhhh teacher, Lauren Teacher on TV show!!! She eat a banana!!’

Me: ‘What?!’

Kid: ‘No, really!’

Me: ‘What?’

Kid: ‘Lauren Teacher on TV. She eat a banana. On TV!’

Me: ‘I’m gonna text Lauren teacher and ask her that.’

Kid: ‘You know Lauren Teacher’s phone number?!!’

Me: ‘Yes, of course.’

Kid: ‘You give to me?’

Me: ‘I will not.’

***

While doing listen and repeat:

Me: ‘Sitting.’

One little boy, out of the 12 students in class: ‘Sitting.’

He looks around at his classmates who said nothing and looks a little embarrassed.

Me: ‘Ok, since he was the only one who said it, he gets a sticker.’

Class: ‘WHAT?!!’

The little boy jumps from his seat, arms in the air!

Little boy: ‘YAY!!!’

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, what’s your Korean name?’

Me: ‘I don’t have a Korean name.’

Kid: ‘Why?!!’

Me: ‘I’m not Korean!’

Kid: ‘But you IN Korea!!’

***

Submitted:

A friend of mine who works in an elementary school in Ireland sent this in:

Possibly the funniest conversation ever I heard in the classroom yesterday. We were doing these Stile tray self-assessment things with hinged lids and some of the hinges are kind of difficult to manoeuvre.

So one of them says, ‘Mine is stiff.’

‘So is mine.’

‘I love a stiff one.’

‘Me too.’

‘Mine is really stiff.’

‘Mine’s the stiffest.’

I swear I deserve an award for keeping a straight face.

***

As usual find more quotes on the wall and in the index. Got your own?! Submit it to theketchupwar@gmail.com

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘His skin is bling bling?’ – New Quotes Added

It’s QUUUUOTEEEE FRIDDDAAAAY!! YAY!! Goodness, what a long week it’s been! Tuesday off school, today is party day where technically all I’m doing is ‘supervising’ a scavenger hunt. It’s been sunny all week with a trip to Costco and food and wine all purchased, a trip to The Avengers…clearly this week also marked payday. Have a good weekend everyone and look out for my post about the alcohol expo on Sunday…or Monday if I’m still hungover on Sunday.

First up: Recently my mother called me to A: tell me that she’s going to Barcelona for a weekend and B: ask could I send her my camera to borrow for her trip. Her having no camera reminded me of when her kitten ran away last year and she said this to me on the phone:

Mam: ‘Ohhhh if I had a camera, I’d take a picture of her and put it up in the newsagents…Oh wait, she’s not here. I can’t take a picture of her! Nevermind.’

***

Kid 1: Teacher, you have boyfriend?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid 2: ‘He Korean?’

Me: ‘No, he’s Canadian.’

Kid 1: ‘Ou Teacher! He is handsome? Like a singer? His skin is bling bling?’

Me: ‘Ha, yes, he is very handsome.’

Kid 2: ‘REALLY??’

Me: ‘Of course!’

Kid 1: ‘Ou, you are lucky girl!’

***

Kid: ‘Teacher, you boyfriend, he will you marry me, you, ok??’

***

Me: ‘What is your favorite holiday?’

Kid: ‘Sunday.’

Me: ‘Sunday’s not a holiday.’

Kid: ‘Yes, it is.’

Me: ‘The next question is, ‘When is it celebrated?’ How will you answer that?’

Kid: ‘Every Sunday.’

***

Me: ‘What’s the difference between a library and a bookstore?’

Kid: ‘The name.’

***

Submitted by Nicola:

I was on teaching practice teaching 6-7  year olds and the teacher I was working with got engaged. Another teacher prepared the class so when their teacher came in they yelled “congratulations!” and one little fella stands up and says ‘Yeah, congratulations on your enCAGEment!’
Teacher: ‘Did he just…?’
Me: ‘Yep.’
Pause.
Teacher: ‘Kind of appropriate, really.’

Later the same day, some older girls come in with a card for the teacher and ask ‘When did you find out?’

Teacher replies ‘I didn’t find out – I was ASKED!!!!’

***

Me: ‘Did you do your homework?’

Little boy: (very slowly) ‘Y…e….s….’

Me: ‘Let me see.’

Little boy: ‘No, no, I no homework.’

***

My class is falling asleep and not paying attention.

Me: ‘Who wants to read?’

Nothing.

Me: ‘Reading, number one, who wants to read it?’

Nothing.

Me: ‘I’ll give you a sticker.’

Every hand shoots up and one kids screams: ‘WAIT, what page are we on?!!!’

***

Me: (looking around the classroom) ‘Where’s my homework book?’

Kid: (without missing a beat) ‘I ate it!’

Me: ‘You did not.’

Kid: ‘No, really!’

I find it.

Me: ‘Here it is.’

Kid: ‘Yes….I…. (makes throwing up noise)…you’re welcome.’

***

Two boys are fighting in my class while I’m correcting homework. The previous class I’d introduced superlatives (big-bigger-biggest) to them.

Boy 1: ‘You no man. You pretty girl!’

Boy 2: ‘You ugly girl!’

Boy 1: ‘You ugliest girl!’

Boy 2: ‘You worst girl!’

Me: ‘BOYS!! The….THE WORST…THE UGLIEST…We learned this last week!’

***

Me: ‘Name an actor.’

Kid: ‘Megamind.’

***

In my Grade 3 class, I have a Grade 1 student who’s too advanced to be in any other class. She attended my Grade 2 classes when she was in Kindergarten.

Grade 1 little girl: ‘Teacher, my new name is Erica.’

Grade 3 little girl: ‘Like America????’

***

Me: ‘Who can make a sentence with ‘how much’ in it?’

Little boy (pointing at little girl next to him): ‘How much is it?’

***

I’m talking to one of my more advanced kids in class a little quicker than I speak to the other kids because she understands me.

Kid next to her: ‘Teacher, you speaking Netherlands??!’

***

Don’t forget, find more quotes on the Wall and every Friday.

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor kids random

‘Dear God, So who made the dinosaurs….?’

I wandered upon this online and read it, laughed, read it again and then felt it warranted a blog post. Read and enjoy! 🙂 Happy Sunday!

(source)

***

For more funny kid’s stuff, check out Quote Friday, a round-up of the funniest quotes from my elementary school students:

Categories
comedy conversations entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes random South Korea

‘She is like wi-fi!’ – New Quotes Added

Happy Quote Friday! A round-up of this week’s best kid’s quotes:

Courtesy of April Lynn Amador

One of our rules in class is ‘No (speaking) Korean’.

I explain tattling to the class and how it’s not allowed. 10 minutes later, a little boys is standing up and shouting at a little girl during gametime.

Me: ‘Sammy!!! Why are you yelling??!’

Sammy: ‘Teacheeeeer, Ginny Korean!!! You say, NO KOREAN!! And she, Korean….Teacheeeeer!!’

Me: ‘Ginny, stop speaking Korean to Sammy, it’s making him sad.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Same class as above:

Kid 1: ‘Teacher, Sammy….me….’ She makes a crazy motion with her hand.

Me: ‘Did he hit you?’

Kid 1: ‘No.’

Me: ‘Are you hurt in any way?’

Kid 1: ‘Umm, no…no. But teacher, he say me….’ She makes a crazy motion with her hand again.

Kid 2: ‘Ha, Sammy say you crazy?!! Hahahahahahahaha.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Little girl looks at little boy: ‘Oh teacher, his t-shirt, very sexy!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘Ok, today we need to do all of Unit 6 because we’re behind in the book.’

Kid: ‘Jump the unit!’

Me: ‘No!’

Kid: ‘No no, jump the unit. It’s ok. Shhhhh, secret. No tell.’

Me: ‘We can’t!’

Kid: ‘Jump the unit!! Shhhhhh! Secret!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘What’s your hobby?’

Kid: ‘I read a book.’

Kid 2: pointing at kid 1 ‘No, NO read a book!! Computer games!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘Do you play any sports?’

Kid 1: ‘No.’

Kid 2: ‘Computer games!’

Me: ‘Computer games is not a sport.’

Kid 2: ‘It’s a hand sport!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me: ‘What are you going to do on your birthday?’

Kid: ‘I will going to fire the cake.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Q: ‘What do you like about New Year?’

Kid’s Ans: ‘I eat dainty food.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Q: ‘She was in a hurry to make a sandwich and she cut herself with a knife. Give her some advice.’

Kid’s Ans: ‘She shouldn’t cut herself with a knife.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

A girl comes to class wearing inline skates. 10 minutes later, her friend arrives wearing inline skates too.

Girl 1: ‘OH, teacher, look inline skates!! I don’t know! Oh teacher, telepathy!!!’

Girl 2: ‘Yes, teacher, she is like wi-fi!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

While teaching, ‘I am……because I…….’

Kid: ‘I am amazing because I learned earsmurfs!’

Me: ‘What the….NO!!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The above, incidentally (and in case you can’t be bothered to click the link), is referring to this conversation from Monday and posted on Tuesday but in case you missed it:

I show my students a picture of ‘earmuffs’.

Me: ‘What is it?’

Kid 1: ‘Headphones…no…no wait a minute.’

Kid 2: ‘I don’t know.’

I write ‘earmuffs’ on the board.

Kid 3: ‘Earmuffins?’

Me: ‘Earmuffs.’

ALL: ‘Earmuffs.’

Kid 2: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘No no, earMUFFS.’

Kid 1: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘No, no…’

Kid 2: ‘I don’t like Smurfs. They’re blue and skin like a snail. And no clothes, Teacher. No clothes. Only hat and pants. Where do they poop???!! I don’t like them.’

Me: ‘Noooo, but they’re cute.’

Kid 2: ‘They are not cute. They are horrible. No clothes. I like Gargamel. He usually wears clothes.’

Kid 3: ‘I like his cat.’

Me: ‘Me too!’

Kid 2: ‘Teacher, it is disgusting. They have no clothes.’

Kid 1: ‘I like Pororo.’

Me: ‘He’s a penguin. He has no clothes.’

Kid 2: ‘But that’s ok. He’s cute. And when he take off his glasses and then, he’s more cute.’

Kid 3: ‘Earsmurfs!!’

Me: ‘EarMUFFS!!’

Kid 3: ‘Teacher, if you move ‘s’, it’s earsmuffs.’

Me: ‘What about the ‘r’?’

Kid 3: ‘No ‘r’.’

Me: ‘They’re SmuRfs not SMUFFS.’

Kid 3: ‘No, Smuffs.’

Me: ‘SMURFS!!’

Kid 3: ’You’re wrong!’

Me: ‘I AM NOT! Everybody, EARMUFFS.’

ALL: ‘EARSMURFS!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Kid: ‘What is it?’

Me: ‘A hoodie.’

Kid: ‘Why?’

Me: ‘Why is it called a hoodie? Because it has a hood, I guess.’

Kid: ‘No, really why??’

Me: ‘I think that’s why.’

Kid: ‘Ask Google!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

While teaching cause and effect:

Me: ‘Ok, the dinosaurs died, this is the effect. What’s the cause?’

One kid gasps.

Me: ‘It’s ok, it happened a long time ago. It’s not new.’

Kid: ‘Oh, ok.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

One of my youngest students looks sad, I go over to find out what’s happened.

Me: ‘What’s the matter?’

Kid next to him, trying to help too and repeating what he thinks I’ve said in a concerned tone: ‘Watermelon?’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

We studied animal for a while so the kids knew the answer to this question:

Me: ‘What’s my favorite animal?’

Kid 1: ‘Turtle!’

Me: ‘No, that’s number two. What’s my number one favorite animal?’

Kid 2: ‘BOYS!!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Categories
entertainment funny humor kids quotes South Korea

‘It’s so bling bling.’ – New Quotes Added