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comedy entertainment funny

It’s a Me, MARIO!!

I grew up in a piano-playing household. Primarily due to the fact that my mother is a piano teacher and my brother and I were always surrounded by a piano, sheet music and pupils who struggled to play their scales. Each year we would be bombarded with differing renditions of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ and ‘Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer’, all played at different speeds, some in a stop-start jingle and some with so many wrong notes, I’d sit in my bedroom thinking ‘Is that Rudolf they’re trying to play or some unknown Christmas tune I’m about to be introduced to…Nope, no, it’s Rudolf.’

There was one memorable year when I returned home to visit during exam time and all the students seemed to be studying ‘My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean’…I still can’t listen to that song without shuddering. Hours after hours of listening to kids play it over and over again. I feel like I could play it through sheer osmosis.

My mother taught us how to read sheet music as children. I learned the right hand and some of the left and mastered most of the nursery rhymes before I quit. My brother, however, went on to absorb music as an exponential rate. He could read a piece, play it, read it, play it, have it memorised. Whenever I would return to Ireland to visit, he would play me the most recent pieces he learned plus some oldies I liked too. He moved onto a ragtime phase where a favorites of mine came to include almost anything by Scott Joplin. He doesn’t play much anymore, preferring to focus on art and woodwork but I have never, in all my life, never ever wanted to force him to learn a piece and play it via Skype to me so badly:

mario-sheet-music

(via)

It’s Mario.

IT. IS. MARIO.

I mean seriously!

MARIO SHEET MUSIC!

For those of you who have never heard the Mario theme tune, (honestly, I’m surprise you know what the Internet is, but anyway), here it is:

My obsession with Mario dates back to my owning a N64 and every Mario game (and yes, Goldeneye) that was released. Now, we own a WII and the obsession continues with Mario Kart. This month at work we’re even having a Mario-themed staff incentive program running…no, seriously. I spent an entire day cutting out those tiny Mario flowers, Bowser, bananas (I hate them) and shells. Lest we forgot, I still work at a bank.

Mario has dotted my life in random unexpected places here and there as an adult. I once found myself dancing to a disco version of the song at a basement nightclub in Seoul with The Canadian One. My friend and I once stayed at a hostel in South Korea and one of the girls sharing our room had gone out for the night, while my friend and I stayed in. The girl’s phone kept alerting her to a text every so often with a ring that reminded us of ‘It’s a Mario!’…We spent the rest of the trip saying ‘It’s a Mario!’ over and over again each time her phone went off. We were beyond annoying. Now and then, I’d find myself humming the Mario theme tune at work, much to the amusement of my 10 year students who would break into song with me occasionally, surprised I, a 26-year-old teacher, would know who Mario is.

I mean, please, I know no one (NO ONE) my age who does not know who Mario is. NO ONE.

NOW, all I gotta do is find someone who can play the piano, is almost my age and who I can convince to learn to play this piece for me…

I’m gonna go call my brother!

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comedy entertainment funny humor

One Week In September and All The TV Comes BACK!!

TV Calendar

(You can click and print the calendar)

It’s often around early August I start to wonder ‘What happened to my favorite TV show? Did it get cancelled? Is it back on? I should really check that out!’.

While living in Korea, I watched a lot of TV but not actually on the TV itself. As most who live in K-Town will attest to, a majority of us watched TV by getting our hands on entire seasons of the TV show and watching them all over the course of a week..then comes the depression you feel after the show ends and there’s no more to watch.

Image representing Netflix as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase

We are the Netflix, binge-watching generation and Korea was made for those type of people.

As this is the first year I’ve lived in an English-speaking country in over five years, it’s going to be weird watching my shows and waiting an entire week like normal people! I’ve been watching ‘Under The Dome’ and that’s proved quite difficult. I’ve not actually managed to watch it on live TV yet and we’re six episodes in. I do watch it on the Telus On Demand and it’s usually the day after it airs as I can never remember if it’s on a Monday or a Tuesday. It might be tonight. It might be tomorrow. It’s most likely tonight. I should Google that.

Now, I’ll admit it, I watch a lot of TV. But unless it’s with The Canadian One, I generally don’t sit down and watch TV. I have it on in the background while I’m doing other things. For example, right now, I have season four of The Mentalist playing in the background. As a result of this way of watching TV, I once watched the same episode of The Mentalist twice and didn’t realize until the end of the episode.

I rotate my shows throughout the year. A lot of the time, I wait until the season is over and then watch a whole bunch of them together. But now…now I’ve learned, it’s one week in September, one glorious week in September when everything returns almost at once and I’m gonna have to learn how use the ‘record TV’ button on the Telus box!

Over the past few years, these shows have been in my rotation:

Shows The Canadian One and I watch together:

English: Logo for the television show Modern F...
English: Logo for the television show Modern Family (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Modern Family Season 5: Sept 25th

The Canadian One and I started watching this show last year after 30 Rock ended and we were in need of a short TV show replacement. I love Phil. Words cannot describe how much I love Phil and his Philosophies.

NCIS: Los Angeles Season 5: Sept 24th

OMG the kiss! I need to know what happens after the kiss. Even The Canadian One gasped when it happened. Does Deeks survive? Do him and Kensi become Densi?! Is Sam’s wife dead?

Elementary Season 2: Sept 26th

Lucy Lu as Watson? WHAT?! But it actually works. We started watching this show after watching the British Sherlock when we wanted something to quell the Sherlock-hunger and hold us over until the British version came back on. It’s actually quite good. Not as good as the British one but then again, when Americans remake British shows…you know what, I’ll save that argument for another day.

Homeland Season 3: Sept 29th

Does anyone else hope the daughter is written out this year? Anyone? Speaking of Homeland, for anyone who missed it, Aziz Ansari for a brief time last year was tweeting as SergeantBrody and it was awesome…until he got outed and stopped but still!

Screen Shot 2013-08-05 at 15.22.28Screen Shot 2013-08-05 at 15.23.00

And just today, someone asked if it’ll be resurrection anytime soon…looks like a ‘no’ for now! Booooo!

Screen Shot 2013-08-05 at 15.27.54

Hawaii Five-0 Season 4: Sept 27th

Hawaii Five-0
Hawaii Five-0 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There was a prison break in the last episode? Or an attempted prison break? Or something like that? Wo-Fat was in it. I recall that much!

Shows I watch alone:

Castle Season 6: Sept 23rd

When we last left our hero, he was proposing to the woman who’s hairstyles change each season, Kate Beckett (SP) (I gotta say the last season was her best hairstyle yet) while she was offered a career-making job in Washington, DC.

Revenge Season 3: Sept 29th

I think I got halfway through season one with this show, then they took a break and I forgot about it until I started writing this post. I should really catch up on it, I found it mildly intriguing although evidently not enough to remember it existed when it came back on.

Criminal Minds Season 9: Sept 25th

I haven’t seen the last four episodes of season 8 yet but I’m getting around to it. I’ve been a fan of this show since the beginning when it was the first show to beat Lost in the ratings. It was then that I thought ‘Perhaps I should check it out’. It’s like a darker CSI that I can’t watch at night alone. Some of the episodes just freak me out too much.

How I Met Your Mother Season 9: Sept 23rd

We met the mother! And apparently season 9 focuses entirely on the wedding weekend so this should be interesting…

Intertitle from season 2 of the television pro...
Intertitle from season 2 of the television program The Mentalist (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Mentalist Season 6: Sept 29th

I’m currently on Season 4 of this show. I started watching it after it was recommended to me by some readers after I wrote this. I’m enjoying it. I though Robin Tunney would be more annoying when I started watching it as she was a little annoying in Prison Break but alas, I was proved incorrect and Simon Baker’s suave turn as a former psychic turned detective is excellent. It’s the suits. He looks good in a suit.

Bones Season 9: Sept 16th

I stopped watching this after she popped out the baby, went on the run and then reappeared but it’s included her because it’s one of my friend’s favorite shows. 

The Canadian One’s Shows:

The Walking Dead (season 2)
The Walking Dead (season 2) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Breaking Bad Season 5 Part 2: August 11th

The Walking Dead Season 4: Oct 13th

Sons of Anarchy Season 6: Sept 10th

There are countless new shows also starting this year but as with any new show, I always like to wait and see if they get renewed for a second season and then start watching. I hate it when a show ends on a cliffhanger and then you just never find out the ending. Then again, the irony of my not watching the first season when it airs is that perhaps other people do that and then they get very low ratings and thus the show gets cancelled…it’s a conundrum!

What’s your favorite TV show? Sound off below and let us know!

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor

‘Is it a cocaine plant?’ – Conversations with Mam

weedMy mother calls from Ireland. I’m in Canada. We had this conversation while I was getting ready to go out to dinner.

Me: “Ou, did I tell you my plant has started to grow?”

Her: “No. A plant on your balcony?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Her: “Is it a cocaine plant?”

Me: “No. It’s a spinach plant.”

Her: “Oh, I thought you were growing drugs.” (she’s kidding at this point)

Me: “No…also I don’t think people grow cocaine.”

Her: “Yes, they do!”

Me: “No, I don’t think it’s cocaine you’re thinking of.”

Her: “It is! They grow cocaine. Or heroin. Maybe it’s heroin.”

Me: “I don’t think people grow heroine. Do they? I’d Google that but I don’t want ‘How to make cocaine’ in my Google history. Wait…” To The Canadian One “Do people grow heroin?”

Him: “It’s an opiate.”

Me, relaying information: “He says it’s an opiate.”

Him: “It’s made from a poppy.”

Me: “It’s made from a…wait…no…a poppy? That doesn’t sound right.”

Mam: “No no, I think people grow cocaine here.” (in Ireland)

Me: “I think it’s marijuana.”

Mam: “People round here don’t call it that. They call it cocaine.”

Me: “No, cocaine is different. People grow marijuana.”

Mam: “They must grow cocaine too. No one calls it marijuana.”

Me: “I don’t think people in Ireland grow cocaine.”

Mam: “They do.”

The Canadian One’s phone beeps indicating we were leaving.

Me: “I gotta go to dinner.”

After a brief discussion of how I’m going to eat dinner at a patio restaurant and how I’d confused her by saying originally ‘We’re going to eat on a patio’ and hadn’t made it clear that we were actually going out to dinner and not eating on our own patio, I said goodbye to my mother and went to dinner.

Moments into the meal I get this text from my mother:

‘Cannabis.’

NOW it all makes a lot more sense…

…But now leads me to wonder who exactly my mother’s friends are!

Just to note: The original title for this post was ‘My Mother on Drugs’, but I thought that gave the wrong impression of her!

For more Conversations with my Mother, check out: 

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comedy funny humor kids quotes South Korea

‘I am NO potato.’ – Quote Friday 10/19

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Two kids are calling each other names in Korean before class. Suddenly one of them stands up and screams, really offended, in English:

‘I am NO potato!!!’

LEGO logo

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Me: ‘What’s your favorite holiday?’

Kid: ‘Children’s Day.’

Me: ‘Why?’

Kid: ‘I make Lego.’

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Yesterday, I walked into class. A little boy is sitting among the 13 students I already have in my grade one class. I point at him.

Me: ‘Who are you?’

Other students: ‘New!! New student!!’

I sighed, having not been told I was getting a new student. I head to my co-teacher’s classroom next door to ask about him.

Me: ‘I have a new student?’

Her: ‘WHAT?! No!’

We both head back to my classroom where she beckons the little boy over and speaks to him briefly in Korean. The kid then goes to fetch his cell-phone and returns. My co-teacher looks at me.

Her: ‘He wants to try the class for today.’

Me: ‘Ok.’

Her: ‘He has to call his mom and let her know where he is.’

Me: ‘O..k…’

He goes off to call his mom to tell her he’s testing out an English class, returns and is perfect in class.

It’s worth noting, he’s 7.

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At The Canadian One’s kindergarten school, one of the other male foreign teachers has curly hair.

Kid: ‘Your hair is like ramen.’

Teacher: ‘So?’

Kid: ‘I want to eat it and make you bald.’

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The Canadian One while teaching about space shuttles and space stations: They’d just watched a video about a space station.

Kid raises hand.

‘But where’s mission control?’

He’s 6!

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The Canadian One and I make up tongue twisters on the way home from Costco:

‘I can’t believe how much I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter we own.’

Say three times fast…we were useless at it!

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DON’T FORGET, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD ABOUT YOUR CAT, A CAT STORY (FICTION IS OK) TO ‘CAT WEEK: LIKE SHARK WEEK BUT FLUFFIER’ SEND IT TO US: jenny@theketchupwar.com

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RE: Obama: ‘I don’t wanna see his mustache all over the TV.’ – Quote Friday 10/05

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

Firstly, this is only my second day at school this week due to Korean Thanksgiving so I ain’t got a lot to share but my students DID do writing work during the break and came up with some gems during their written work.

Before all that, a note pinned to the wall outside our local bar explaining it’s closed for Thanksgiving:

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Kid: ‘I don’t like buddism because I go to church.’

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Kid: ‘Today is my mom and dad wedding anniversary but I’m not give my present but my parents say ‘we’re precious in your and be born’. That time my heart is moved and my heart happy cry.’

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Kid, re: Costco trip: ‘There were many people so I experience inconvenience.’

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From my mother, who’s a music teacher in Ireland:

While teaching a kid what an octave is:

Mam: ‘Ok, think of an octopus? How many legs does an octopus have?’

Kid: ‘Three!’

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From April and her 7-year-old kindergarten students:

Kid: ‘Teacher, did you vote for Obama?’

Rich Teacher, joking: ‘Did YOU for Obama?’

Kid, thinks: ‘Nah, I don’t like his mustache. I don’t wanna see his mustache all over the TV.’

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For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

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comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – 10/02

Happy Timewasting!!

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Further proving English is just weird! Whenever my students ask me ‘Why?’ with regards to the English language, my response is always ‘Because English is strange and you just have to learn it that way…’

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Two versions of the same thing, both appearing in my newsfeed on the same day by two completely different people!

If you are interested in donating a small amount of money per day to build a kids’ school or to send a kid to school for a year, I suggest these people. The Canadian One and I sponsor three kids to attend school there and my friend has travelled out to work for them.

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And finally, wrapping things up, I hope this is true!! I really REALLY do!

Still got time to waste? For more Timewasters, check out:

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entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters

Tuesday Timewasters – Letters of Note – 09/25

residential mailbox, United StatesA friend of mine LOVES writing letters. She just loves it. I, meanwhile, do not. I’m so lazy sometimes the thought of replying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to an email makes me sigh. But here’s the thing, I love love love receiving letters. I adore it.

The Canadian One leaves a note each morning for me to wake up to (as he leaves before me) and I leave him a reply to come home to (as he’s home first). I find myself jumping out of bed at the sound of the front door closing and scouring the kitchen in search of my morning message. Search over, message found, I smile and retreat back to bed to think of a reply. I save them all. Each and every one of them in a folder all together. Some of the more endearing ones come to live in my purse.

For my Canadian visa application, we had to submit them all to immigration as ‘proof of our relationship’. Sitting on the floor, surrounded by all these letters, notes, post-it reminders and badly drawn pictures we read through each one (mainly to weed out the ones that would make us blush if sent out into the public) and relived moments of our relationship we’d completely forgotten about. The moments we would never have remembered had we not written about them. The moments were we’d be creatively telling each other we loved each other before we’d said the actual words. The moments we should remember and we should treasure and save forever and I guess that’s the point of a letter.

Which brings me to today’s timewaster: Letters of Note.

Started by Shaun Usher and now containing a collection of over 804 letters, Letters of Note has been on my bookmarked favorites list for some time. Although, I have to admit, I try not to go on to it too often as I find myself planning to read just one letter and end up two hours later crying at a letter number 64 of the day! With a book due to be released in November with the help of Unbound (another awesome website, like indiegogo but for books), I thought it would be the perfect time to showcase my favorite letters on the site.

At age 8, Teresa Jusino was a huge Wil Wheaton (him from Star Trek: The Next Generation fame) fan and saved up the $12.00 membership fee it cost to join the then 15-year-old’s fan club, ‘Wilpower’. Having waited and waited and waited and waited for her membership letter and official membership kit items to arrive, a disappointed Teresa realized they never would.

However, years later, in 2009, a 29-year-old Teresa received a surprise in the mail after Wheaton had read about her story.

(source)

In 2003, when Conan-fan, Nikki Simmons invited her idol to her prom, she never expected an actual response, let alone one so funny and touching.

(source)

Next up (and if you’re easily offended, I recommend skipping this one) is Matt Stone’s reply to the MPAA after they’d repeatedly asked him to alter certain parts of his 1999 movie, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.

(source)

Along the same line, the Monty Python boys held a preview screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail eight months before its release. Afterwards, Mark Forstater, one of the film’s producers who I had the great pleasure of meeting and interviewing years ago, wrote this letter to the BBFC.

(source)

And finally, my favorite ever letter to appear on the site and easily one of their most popular:

In August of 1865, a Colonel P.H. Anderson of Big Spring, Tennessee, wrote to his former slave, Jourdon Anderson, and requested that he come back to work on his farm. Jourdon — who, since being emancipated, had moved to Ohio, found paid work, and was now supporting his family — responded spectacularly by way of the letter seen below.

Dayton, Ohio,

August 7, 1865

To My Old Master, Colonel P.H. Anderson, Big Spring, Tennessee

Sir: I got your letter, and was glad to find that you had not forgotten Jourdon, and that you wanted me to come back and live with you again, promising to do better for me than anybody else can. I have often felt uneasy about you. I thought the Yankees would have hung you long before this, for harboring Rebs they found at your house. I suppose they never heard about your going to Colonel Martin’s to kill the Union soldier that was left by his company in their stable. Although you shot at me twice before I left you, I did not want to hear of your being hurt, and am glad you are still living. It would do me good to go back to the dear old home again, and see Miss Mary and Miss Martha and Allen, Esther, Green, and Lee. Give my love to them all, and tell them I hope we will meet in the better world, if not in this. I would have gone back to see you all when I was working in the Nashville Hospital, but one of the neighbors told me that Henry intended to shoot me if he ever got a chance.

I want to know particularly what the good chance is you propose to give me. I am doing tolerably well here. I get twenty-five dollars a month, with victuals and clothing; have a comfortable home for Mandy,—the folks call her Mrs. Anderson,—and the children—Milly, Jane, and Grundy—go to school and are learning well. The teacher says Grundy has a head for a preacher. They go to Sunday school, and Mandy and me attend church regularly. We are kindly treated. Sometimes we overhear others saying, “Them colored people were slaves” down in Tennessee. The children feel hurt when they hear such remarks; but I tell them it was no disgrace in Tennessee to belong to Colonel Anderson. Many darkeys would have been proud, as I used to be, to call you master. Now if you will write and say what wages you will give me, I will be better able to decide whether it would be to my advantage to move back again.

As to my freedom, which you say I can have, there is nothing to be gained on that score, as I got my free papers in 1864 from the Provost-Marshal-General of the Department of Nashville. Mandy says she would be afraid to go back without some proof that you were disposed to treat us justly and kindly; and we have concluded to test your sincerity by asking you to send us our wages for the time we served you. This will make us forget and forgive old scores, and rely on your justice and friendship in the future. I served you faithfully for thirty-two years, and Mandy twenty years. At twenty-five dollars a month for me, and two dollars a week for Mandy, our earnings would amount to eleven thousand six hundred and eighty dollars. Add to this the interest for the time our wages have been kept back, and deduct what you paid for our clothing, and three doctor’s visits to me, and pulling a tooth for Mandy, and the balance will show what we are in justice entitled to. Please send the money by Adams’s Express, in care of V. Winters, Esq., Dayton, Ohio. If you fail to pay us for faithful labors in the past, we can have little faith in your promises in the future. We trust the good Maker has opened your eyes to the wrongs which you and your fathers have done to me and my fathers, in making us toil for you for generations without recompense. Here I draw my wages every Saturday night; but in Tennessee there was never any pay-day for the negroes any more than for the horses and cows. Surely there will be a day of reckoning for those who defraud the laborer of his hire.

In answering this letter, please state if there would be any safety for my Milly and Jane, who are now grown up, and both good-looking girls. You know how it was with poor Matilda and Catherine. I would rather stay here and starve—and die, if it come to that—than have my girls brought to shame by the violence and wickedness of their young masters. You will also please state if there has been any schools opened for the colored children in your neighborhood. The great desire of my life now is to give my children an education, and have them form virtuous habits.

Say howdy to George Carter, and thank him for taking the pistol from you when you were shooting at me.

From your old servant,

Jourdon Anderson.

(source)

I urge you to check out the rest of the letters on the site, in particular, this month’s most recent:

Dear readers of TKW, I promise you your day will be brighter if you check out all of these and more, or just buy the book and enjoy every word on every page.

And to Shaun Usher, thank you. Thank you very much.

Still got time to waste? For more Timewasters, check out:

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Canada comedy entertainment funny humor random

Happy Science Saturday!

Some sunny Saturday science for you!

16% of couples met in a bar….?

It’s worth noting, The Canadian One and I met in a bar. Well, technically, we met in a meat restaurant but we were in a bar 30 minutes later. The second and third times we met were both in bars (different bars in a different city no less).

And our first official date?

Happened on Christmas Day (awwwwww!) in a bar…A bar we returned to on our first anniversary to celebrate. Don’t knock meeting people in bars. You never know, you may end up living with a wonderfully awesome guy (who disappointingly does not say ‘aboot’ but I’ll eventually let that go) and fretting over where your visa to move to the Land of the Maple Leaf with him is!

Have an awesome weekend!

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comedy entertainment funny humor kids Korea quotes South Korea

‘Oh teacher, your font is very good.’ – Quote Friday 09/21

The best of this week’s quotes from my elementary students in South Korea (and some thrown in from friends too)

I write something on the whiteboard.

Kid: ‘Oh teacher, your font is very good.’

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flag of Denmark
Denmark!

I draw a window on the board.

Kid: ‘Ou, Denmark!’

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During a test, two boys are talking:

Me: ‘What are you doing?!’

Kid 1: ‘A test?’

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Two boys are fighting while a girl watches. I look at her. She points at them.

Little Girl: ‘Gay style.’

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Rumors spread through the school that the school had hired a ‘hot, Chinese-American boy’ as the new official school English teacher. This is two days later:

Kid 1: ‘Oh teacher, we have new English teacher.’

Me: ‘Really?’

Kid: ‘Yes, Haley Teacher.’

Me: ‘Oh, a girl?’

Kid: ‘No, a boy.’

Me: ‘Haley’s a girl’s name.’

Kid 2: ‘No, it’s not.’

Me: ‘Fine.’

Kid: ‘Oh, teacher, you and Haley teacher, together, love.’

Me: ‘Um…no.’

Kid: ‘Do you have boyfriend?’

Me: ‘Yes.’

Kid: ‘Is he Korean?’

Me: ‘No, he’s Canadian.’

Kid: ‘Oh, Haley teacher too! Oh, teacher, boyfriend change. Canada. Canada. Boyfriend change!!!’

Me: ‘I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.’

Kid: ‘Think about it.’

Me: ‘OK.’

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Kid: ‘You have smart eyes.’

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Me: ‘Do you like the beach?’

Kid: ‘No, I don’t like jellyfish but they are nice in salad.’

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A kid tries to hand me something stupid.

Me: ‘No thanks.’

Kid: ‘In Korea culture, you should take a gift.’

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I hand a kid a piece of candy. She looks at me, smiles and says: ‘Always look on the bright side.’

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I throw the pen onto the desk after marking the homework as I didn’t need it anymore.

Kid: ‘Oh teacher, bad habit!’

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A kid is messing about in class. I tell him to stop.

Kid sitting in front of him: ‘Hit him!!’

Me: ‘I can’t hit students. I’m not allowed.’

Kid 1: ‘I’ll do it!!’

Kid 2: ‘Me first!!!’

Me: ‘Stop, no…No-one’s hitting anyone!’

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At pub quiz, answering a question regarding who sings the song that was just played:

Me: ‘Kelly Rowland.’

The Canadian One: ‘From X Factor?’

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Me, upon receiving a text, to The Canadian One: ‘Ou, Ursula and Amy invited me over on Saturday to watch Magic Mike, eat pizza and drink vodka. I’m in!’

Pause.

Me: ‘Magic Mike is the stripper movie.’

Pause.

Me: ‘I don’t think they actually appear naked in the movie. I think it’s just about a dude who is a stripper.’

The Canadian One: ‘It’s OK. I don’t think stripper Mike is gonna jump outta the TV and rape you.’

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For more Quote Friday’s, check out:

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Tuesday Timewasters – 09/18

Day off yesterday thanks to a rain storm. Today, I venture off for the results of the, ehhh, butt swab test…Been an interesting week so far!

HAPPY TIMEWASTING!!

OM NOM NOM NOM…

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I think I’ll go check my email!

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And of course, it’s an Irish bar…

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Always a bright side:

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When Ikea do April Fool’s jokes, THIS is what they do:

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Tuesday Timewasters – Did YOU Know About THIS? – 09/04

The ‘Did YOU Know About THIS?’ Edition

Up first, further proving white people think all Asian people look alike, we present to you: Iceland.

Eldgjá, Iceland

The story goes on August 25th 2012, an Asian women boarded a tour bus in Iceland. When they reached Eldgjá, a volcanic canyon in the south of the country, it was claimed she had gotten off the bus never to return. A search was mounted and carried on throughout night with up to 50 people joining in the hunt until it was revealed that the woman had never been missing at all. In fact, she’d been on the bus all along and even took part in the search for the herself, the ‘missing woman’. Apparently, the confusion began because the woman had gotten off the bus, changed clothes and returned only for her fellow passengers not to recognise her and assumed the ‘Asian woman’ was now missing and then they raised the alarm. The ‘missing woman’ also didn’t recognise the description of herself when it was given. Now, I’ve been the leader on a lot of kid’s tour groups and the one thing you learn is to constantly count the passengers. Count them once, twice, three times, get someone else to count them too. Or else you end up like these people.

Which we felt we had been on by the time we re...

Or like the summer camp coordinator at a camp I worked at who accidentally ‘kidnapped’ a 10 year old Russian girl from another tour group when they left a town. They’d driven the 2 hours home before realising she didn’t belong to them and promptly had to turn around and bring her back to her own clearly panic striken tour guide.

Or like my friend who accidentally ‘kidnapped’ an adult from the city center on her tour…although that woman was just confused and joined my friend’s tour all by herself so I guess we can’t really blame my friend.

Although in saying that, another friend and I once took 32 kids to another town on a tour once. All day we counted 32 kids. 32 on the bus. 32 in the town. 32 back on the bus. It was only when we got back home, we realised we’d only had 31 kids and couldn’t figure out how we’d counted wrong so many times all day.

***

Moving on.

I think The Canadian One should get this:

Head over to ObviousWinner for more pictures and a VIDEO!

***

Ale to the Chief!

Official photographic portrait of US President...Name: Barack Obama

Birthday: August 4, 1961

Occupation: President of the United States

Hobbies: Basketball, Golf, Brewing own beer

…Wait…What?!

Uh-huh, that’s right this week the internet is all abuzz about the White House brewing it’s own beer. It’s. Own. Beer.

The White House brew not one but two different types of beer: The White House Honey Ale and The White House Honey Porter using honey from the White House grounds’ very own beehive (natch).

Find out more with this video or check out The White House Blog for even more information and recipes. Hmmm, ‘The White House’ and ‘recipes’, two words I never thought I’d write in the same sentence.

***

In a move that’s sure to make men everywhere rejoice comes two studies aimed at, well, making their lives a little better. First comes (no pun intended) the study from Gordon G. Gallup, Ph.D., a psychologist at the State University of New York in Albany, which claims semen-exposed women are less likely to be depressed than their condom using counterparts.

Deep breath.

English: Condoms Español: Condones del DIF
Colorful condoms…the least offensive picture I could publish…my mother reads this!

He goes on to explain ‘Semen contains hormones including testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins, and some of these are absorbed through the walls of the vagina and are known to elevate mood.’ Gallup also found that of the 293 college women surveyed ‘those who did not use condoms were most likely to initiate sex and to seek out new partners as soon as a relationship ended’.

So what you’re saying is Safe Sex = Sad Sex and Unsafe Sex = Happy Sex…I literally have no response to this.

It’s worth noting, however, these finding appeared on psychologytoday.com under the heading: ‘Crying Over Spilled Semen: Why women who don’t use condoms feel happier’ on September 1st 2002. Meanwhile, on August 21st 2012, it was reported again in the dailymail.co.uk under the heading: ‘Semen is ‘good for women’s health and helps fight depression’. 

My favorite quotes from the latter being:

‘…which scientists carried out via survey rather than through practical experiment…’

Some nice clarification.

And,

‘The research suggests it is not just that women who are having sex are simply happier, but that happiness levels might be related to the quantity of semen within their body.’

Although this article being rehashed 2 days after Todd Akin’s now-famous comments featuring such gems as ‘If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down’ is probably no coincidence. The Daily Mail article goes on to say:

…women’s bodies can detect ‘foreign’ semen that differs from their long-term or recurrent sexual partner’s signature semen.

They suggest the ability to detect foreign sources is an evolved system that often leads to unsuccessful pregnancies – via greater risk of preeclampsia – because it signals a disinvested male partner who is not as likely to provide for the offspring.

Another article on a study published today on SkyNews.com goes under the heading ‘Housework ‘Helps Cut’ Breast Cancer Risk’.

English: pink ribbon

Face….Palm….Smack….

The article goes on to explain:

In the largest study of its kind to date, the European Prospective Investigation Of Cancer (Epic), co-funded by Cancer Research UK, found women who take part in moderate to high levels of exercise can reduce the chance of getting breast cancer by up to 13%.

So…not housework specifically then, just any type of exercise where you get hot, a little out of breath and work up a bit of a sweat?

Well, if you need any ideas, see the article above regarding semen and happiness. Ah, sex: cut your risk of breast cancer and fight depression all at once.

I’m literally shaking my head as I write this, I’m surprised my fingers are still hitting the correct letters on the keyboard.

Still got time to waste? For more Timewasters, check out:

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comedy entertainment funny humor internet Korea South Korea timewasters

Half A Year Of Ketchup

It’s been six months today that I started this website full of quotes, timewasters, ramblings and musings. Here’s a round-up of some of the top items on the site from the beginning.

To kick us off:

People Google the WEIRDEST stuff

Why are tadpoles in my toilet

One eyed jack squirts ketcup from eye

irish people using ketchup

how to break a coffee maker

phone scam vibrator

How to pay strippers in Canada

And along the same lines:

What part of Canada do strippers earn more money

A whole plethora of people Googled Women asking men to marry them on February 29th

Why your birthday is worth a day off school

Do Canadians drink coffee with ketchup? (DO THEY?!!)

How to stop timewasters and distractions (If they ended up here, they clearly didn’t achieve their original mission)

How do you spell crocodile pick up line

Kitten zombies

Picture of syringe crane

And finally:

Two of my friends’ FULL names were Googled also

***

Number 2: Timewasters 06/05

Top Five Timewasters

1. ‘Dear God, So who made the dinosaurs…’

2. Timewasters 04/05 and Part 2: 06/05

3. Tuesday Timewasters: The Viral Edition 06/19

4. Tuesday Timewasters 06/26

5. Tuesday Timewasters 03/13

***

Number 3: ‘Where’s the outcry? WHERE?!’

Top Posts

1. ‘I just forked my hair.’

2. ‘You know, girls can ask guys to marry them on February 29th.’

3. Where’s the outcry? WHERE?!

4. ‘I’ve taken up origami…’

5. ‘People are more into buffet religion nowadays.’

***

Top Quotes (excluding the Wall of Quotes)

1. ‘I did my homework with a paintbrush.’

2. ‘It’s so bling bling.’

3. ‘Relax!!!’

4. Top 11 Quotes from the Wall

5. ‘She’s a ninja.’

***

Number 1: Pork Burgers

Top Cookin’ in Korea

 1. Pork Burgers / Pork Meatballs / The BEST 4-Ingredient Tomato Sauce EVER

2. Oh-So-Simple Banana Bread

3. Cherry Muffins with Coconut Topping

4. Lucy’s Mum’s Chili Con Carne

5. The Om Nom Nomelette

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet Korea South Korea timewasters

Half A Year Of Ketchup

It’s been six months today that I started this website full of quotes, timewasters, ramblings and musings. Here’s a round-up of some of the top items on the site from the beginning.

To kick us off:

People Google the WEIRDEST stuff

Why are tadpoles in my toilet

One eyed jack squirts ketcup from eye

irish people using ketchup

how to break a coffee maker

phone scam vibrator

How to pay strippers in Canada

And along the same lines:

What part of Canada do strippers earn more money

A whole plethora of people Googled Women asking men to marry them on February 29th

Why your birthday is worth a day off school

Do Canadians drink coffee with ketchup? (DO THEY?!!)

How to stop timewasters and distractions (If they ended up here, they clearly didn’t achieve their original mission)

How do you spell crocodile pick up line

Kitten zombies

Picture of syringe crane

And finally:

Two of my friends’ FULL names were Googled also

***

Number 2: Timewasters 06/05

Top Five Timewasters

1. ‘Dear God, So who made the dinosaurs…’

2. Timewasters 04/05 and Part 2: 06/05

3. Tuesday Timewasters: The Viral Edition 06/19

4. Tuesday Timewasters 06/26

5. Tuesday Timewasters 03/13

***

Number 3: ‘Where’s the outcry? WHERE?!’

Top Posts

1. ‘I just forked my hair.’

2. ‘You know, girls can ask guys to marry them on February 29th.’

3. Where’s the outcry? WHERE?!

4. ‘I’ve taken up origami…’

5. ‘People are more into buffet religion nowadays.’

***

Top Quotes (excluding the Wall of Quotes)

1. ‘I did my homework with a paintbrush.’

2. ‘It’s so bling bling.’

3. ‘Relax!!!’

4. Top 11 Quotes from the Wall

5. ‘She’s a ninja.’

***

Number 1: Pork Burgers

Top Cookin’ in Korea

 1. Pork Burgers / Pork Meatballs / The BEST 4-Ingredient Tomato Sauce EVER

2. Oh-So-Simple Banana Bread

3. Cherry Muffins with Coconut Topping

4. Lucy’s Mum’s Chili Con Carne

5. The Om Nom Nomelette

Categories
comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters websites

Tuesday Timewasters – When Movies Get Lego’d – 07/31

Soon to be a movie? Fingers crossed.

Following on from last Tuesday’s guess the movie posters and our Pixar Lego’d post, we bring you yet another movie guessing game to while away your Tuesday afternoon. Thanks to Alex Eylar, aka ICanLegoThat, his brilliant imagination and expansive Lego collection comes When Movies Get Lego’d.

Can YOU guess them all? Answers in next week’s Tuesday Timewasters.

Happy Timewasting!

And finally, my other favorite short-lived, now-cancelled TV show:

Still got time to waste? For more Timewasters, check out:

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comedy entertainment funny humor internet recipes writing

Pixar’s Storytelling Rules get LEGO’d!

Anyone recall about a year ago when then-Pixar story artist Emma Coats tweeted a series of ‘Pixar Storytelling Rules’ over the course of six weeks or so?

No? No one?

Well, luckily for you, the helpful people at The Pixar Touch put all 22 of them together for your reading pleasure.

BUT in case, you don’t want to read all the rules in a boring black-text-on-white-background format, Alex Eylar’s got you covered. Alex Eylar, aka ICanLegoThat, is a Lego Master in my opinion (and shall be the star of an upcoming Tuesday Timewasters) and his illustrations of Emma Coats’ rules only make them even more appealing to follow.

Whether you’re a hopeful writer, a worldly storyteller, a blossoming filmmaker or none of the above, these are words to aspire and inspire. Enjoy.

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comedy entertainment funny humor random

Obama Vrs Aliens – A Thursday Short

Obama Favorite To Defend Earth Against Alien Attack: Poll

No, seriously!

Last month, the National Geographic Channel conducted a rather unusual survey across America. Questioning 1,114 adults across the US regarding things of an other worldly nature, the TV channel found that 65% of respondents favored Obama to lead the response to an alien attack over Mitt Romney.

It should also be noted that more women and younger Americans are in the 65% than men or over-65’s. Make of that what you will.

The survey also found that 36% of adults believe UFOs exist, 11% claim to have seen a UFO and 20% say they know someone who claims to have seen a UFO. I know nobody who claims to have ever seen a UFO. Ever.

What do you think? How would Obama face up to an alien invasion? Do you believe that aliens exist? And more importantly, could Obama give a better speech than Bill Pullman did in Independence Day?

Could he?

Cooooould he??

For more posts, check out:

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comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters

Messin’ with Siri – Tuesday Timewasters 07/10

Recently, I was sitting around waiting for The Canadian One to come home when I decided to start playing with Siri on my iPhone. Now, bear in mind, I had drank two glasses of wine and found this faaaaar funnier than one should. The Canadian One doesn’t have Siri on his phone but I do as I dawdled on buying an iPhone and another updated version was released! …Although it still freaks me out when my phone calls me by my name…I mean a majority of my kids think my name is ‘Teacher’.

For example, yesterday, while writing something about me (God knows why!):

Kid: ‘The teacher….or Teacher?’

Me: ‘The teacher…My name is not teacher.’

Kid: ‘Oh yeah!’

Asked Siri something stupid, send it in to us at ‘theketchupwar at gmail . com’. Happy Timewasting!

I think Siri got bored with me in the end!

For more Timewasters, check out:

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Tuesday Timewasters – 07/03

Ah July, signalling the start of rainy season here in Korea, the impending doom of summer camp classes which to this day I really don’t see the point in and my birthday, the best thing about the summer. Soon my Tuesdays will be no longer filled with breaks but rather with pointless Art / Science / English Play / Whatever else pointless class my company think up for me to teach.

But for now, Tuesday Timewasters is still a go-go so HAPPY TIMEWASTING!!

First up, some riddles:

1. What is a word made up of 4 letters, yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.

2. This appeared in my ESL book once. What is the first letter of this sequence? (And it’s not ‘E’)

__  T  T  F  F

 S  S  E  N  T

 E  T  T  F  F

 S  S  E  N  T

***

Moving on!

I wanna ride in this:

(source)

***

The Canadian One sent me this fantastic find!  

***

And speaking of The Canadian One, in honor of Canada Day just passed:

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I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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(as featured on threadless.com)

***

A sign The Canadian One and I saw on our jaunt to Cheonan recently. Not funny in the US. WAAAAAY funny in Korea! No idea why!

***

And finally I leave you with something that’ll make you go, DOH!!

For more Timewasters, check out:

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comedy entertainment funny humor internet random timewasters

Thursday Timewasters – I can’t say Canada correctly – 05/03

Pretty much sums up my thoughts on Internet Explorer when I’m forced to use it for my internet banking!

I know what you’re thinking: This week’s second round of Timewasters?? (the first being here) Timewasters on a Thursday, what? I know! I’ve got a random three hour break at work and a computer in my classroom, what can I do?!

So, this week, The Canadian One and I discovered I can’t say the word ‘Canada’ correctly. Well, I can. I mean, I have the ability to, I just can’t say it naturally which both The Canadian One and I realised last night when I said ‘Canaidia’s Got Talent’.

Ummm, what?

Turns out, I (very easily it would seem) get confused by Canada / Canadian. No idea why. I guess it’s the same reason I can’t say the word Tarantula (Me: ‘Tralantua’) or burglar (Me: ‘Burglalar’) or Sorry (Me: ‘I’m right, you’re wrong, why are you denying it??’)

Often, The Canadian One has to use a bit of logic when it comes to me. Take for instance, Tuesday’s market trip which featured ‘flat cheese’ on the list.

Him: ‘Flat cheese? Do you mean sliced cheese? Is that an Irish thing or a…YOU thing?…I’m sending this to your mother.’

And he did. Hours later (when she woke up due to the time difference), she phoned to make fun of me and proclaim she NEVER taught me sliced cheese was called ‘flat cheese’. Never ever.

Moving on.

Here, in no particular order, are my favorite random pictures from around the web this week:

Ok, I’m stuck on the last one, anyone wanna email me and tell me what it is?!
I feel I’m one more three hour break away from making this

Categories
entertainment funny humor kids quotes South Korea

‘It’s so bling bling.’ – New Quotes Added

The Canadian One and I discuss why cows are the main animal that provides milk to people.

Me: ‘What about giraffes?’

TCO: ‘They’re from Africa.’

Me: ‘Don’t be racist, they can still give us milk!!’

TCO: ‘PLEEEEEASE put that one on your blog!’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Kid: ‘I like the many money. It’s so bling bling.’

__________________________________________________________________________________________

In a continuation from last week’s conversation (and proof they use the new vocabulary I teach them especially when it’s not lesson-related):

Kid 1: ‘Is your poop water poop?’

Kid 2: ‘What? No, my poop is health!’