I LOVE LOVE LOVE this!! It’s genius. This and the dancing potato. I have no idea why I find the dancing potato so funny. I almost cried with laughter. The Canadian One is convinced there’s something wrong with me!
So, on Monday, I’m outside work waiting at the bus stop. It’s about 6:15pm and it’s a little chilly but I opt not to go into the little glass bus hut.
During a discussion on the phone with The Canadian One regarding what we were having for dinner (a Betty Crocker Home-Made Beef, Zucchini and Cheddar Pie with Salad in case you’re interested), I say:
“I think I see a wolf. Or a big dog. But it kinda looks like a wolf.”
The Canadian One reacts the way one would when his fiancée says she sees a wolf and you’re 99.99% sure it’s just a dog. He doesn’t react. I tell him to heat the oven to 350 degrees and I hang up the phone to await the bus.
Having forgotten my headphones and my book, I had nothing to do but stare into the abyss, i.e. the car park of my building. I slowly start to realise the ‘wolf’ is zigzagging his way through the stationary cars in the car park. It’s looking more and more ‘wolfy’ as it stalks it’s way down the pathway of snow. A security guard appears at the doorway of my building in an orange reflector jacket, too far for me to make out what he’s doing but not too far away for me to come to the conclusion that he was doing nothing. Nothing at all. Not a Goddamn thing.
There was a wolf in the car park.
A. Mother. Fu…
You know what, I’m gonna let that go. Moving on.
So, I’m standing there in my giant winter jacket staring at this wolf. I’m across the street. I think, it’s not going to cross the car park, cross a busy street and attack me….until it starts to cross the car park and cross the busy street.
At this point, there’s one other pedestrian on the pavement far ahead and me, standing at a bus stop, next to a glass, enclosed shelter with an open door. It occurred to me briefly to enter the shelter…then it occurred to me the wolf could also come join me in the glass hut in which case, I’d have no escape.
Glass hut out.
Doesn’t running agitate wolves?
Didn’t I read that somewhere?
Or possibly seen it in Twilight? Which is, incidentally, the only reason I know what a wolf looks like.
Running was out.
Definitely moving from the bus stop. Walking fast it is.
I started walking with the intention of making it to a nearby bookstore for safety.
I walked. Wolfy followed.
I walked faster and Wolfy was across the street, stalking me on my side of the road.
I walked so fast one could almost call it a ‘small run’, fast enough to escape a wolf but not fast enough that it would realise you were running and chase you. And then eat you. Which is what I was fast becoming convinced would happen to me.
This is it. This is how I die. Eaten outside a Chapters by a rogue wolf.
I came to a stop light and had a decision to make. There was a car and a truck on the opposite side of the road making a right turn. Do I cross or do I stop?
Hit by truck or eaten by wolf?
I was not enjoying how my Monday was progressing so far.
Luckily, as I my foot hit the road and off the pavement, the light turned in my favor and the truck (not the car, mind you) stopped and I ran across the road while Wolfy veered into a bush. I panted my way to the bus stop, hailed the oncoming bus and hopped on. Five seconds between road decision and seat on the bus, not bad.
12 minutes later I receive a text from a friend who’d left work an hour before me:
‘Did u leave yet! I left and there was a wolf outside.’
AN. HOUR. LATER.
I COULD HAVE BEEN EATEN.
Turns out she was chased by Wolfy to her car where, while on the phone to her mother, she dropped the phone while scrambling to get her car open. Naturally, her mother thought she’d been attacked but luckily, there was a bunny nearby that caught the wolf’s attention.
Obviously I mean lucky for my friend.
Not the bunny.
Shortly after, from the safety of her car, she snapped a picture of it:
I showed the picture to The Canadian One and he admitted he thought I was joking on the phone.
Just goes to show, when your fiancée says she sees a wolf in the car park of the building where she works, you should believe her.
This isn’t the girl who cried wolf!
And no, I have no idea what happened to the wolf but I did eagerly check the Metro on Tuesday and there was no reported Wolfy activity as of yet.
Today, The Canadian One texts me to make sure I made it onto the bus safely. I don’t text back as my phone is still in ‘moon mode’ and doesn’t alert me to the text. When I finally check it there are two texts, sent a few moments apart reading:
So, The Canadian One asked me earlier for some lip balm and I root out my Nivea stick (he bought me) from my bag and hand it over. It’s then that I realise I have a lot of random cr@p in my handbag and really, do I need all that stuff?
To do an inventory, I have:
1 x Readers Digest, which came in the mail a few weeks ago from a free-due-to-Airmiles points subscription I signed up to and that I took to read while sitting around in the ER recently (long story, they ended up doing a CT Scan on me, have you ever have a CT Scan, OMG, lemme tell you…actually I’m getting off topic, back to my handbag…)
1 x Wallet, containing cards, money, receipts, a tiny penguin magnet, business cards, bank cards, September’s transit ticket, notes from The Canadian One and some Korean cards I refuse to give up.
1 x Umbrella, I’m Irish, we’re raised that way.
1 x half a packet of sugar-free Polo mints. I love Polo mints and I buy them whenever I can as I like mints but hate chewing gum. I once swallowed it and now think I’ll swallow it everytime which makes me look super-awkward when I do actually chew gum. Which I don’t. Ever. I don’t like putting things in my mouth that I can’t swallow.
I’ll wait while you say ‘that’s what she said’.
1 x Bag of JuJubes. The Canadian One packs our lunches every night. Last night he packed me an assortment of healthy nuts. (Do I need to pause again or can we continue?) This morning, I took out the healthy nuts and replaced them with an entire bag of Jujubes.
Because I’m an adult and I can.
1 x Bag of Lego Candy. I work at a call center, one never knows when one may be either peckish or bored or both.
1 x Bag of Almonds. To balance things out.
5 x Emergency Ketchup. That’s a thing, right? You just never know when you may need Emergency Ketchup.
1 x Bach’s Rescue Remedy. For those ‘of-course-let-me-just-place-you-on-mute-while-you-yell-swear-words-at-me-for-five-minutes’ moments.
1 x Nivea Lip Balm. That should be self-explanatory but if not…Google it.
2 x Pens. I was at my manager’s desk the other day and here’s what happened, she pulls open a drawer to get me a Post-it note:
Me: “Wow, you have a lot of stationary. I have one pen. Just one pen. And for two days last week, I lost my pen! So technically, for two days, I had nothing.”
Me: “Do you have a stapler?”
Her: ‘Yes…Do you?”
Me: “No. Can I borrow your stapler?”
Her: “Yes.” (handing me the stapler) “One day you’ll have your own stapler.”
So now I have two pens in my bag in case the work one ever ‘disappears’ again. It’s also useful for crossing off items on my shopping list.
1 x New iPhone earphones. I broke my old ones and paid a crazy amount for these ones. I swore I’d protect them with my life and store them as I would a tiny kitten or my last Rolo. Three weeks late, I find them stuffed into the bottom of my bag. Best laid plans…
…lead to buying new earphones.
1 x Body Shop perfume sample. It’s glorious but we’re not allowed to wear perfume at work due to allergies. We’re also not allowed nuts, onions or kiwis.
All fruit I understand but specifically kiwis? There’s a picture on the door too reminding us NOT to bring a kiwi to work. A picture. It’s almost like ‘Don’t bring kiwis. This is a kiwi. Also this is an onion. Don’t bring those either. Like your drama and your problems, leave them at the door when you come to work.’ It doesn’t say that. But it should.
1 x Small cosmetic mirror my friend got me in Spain. The pink disk on the front fell off and it kinda broke but it was a gift and I refuse to toss it.
Random paper. I dunno. I get bored at work and doodle.
1 x Imigran migraine medicine. I suffer from horrible migraines. I should take Zomig but I ran out so I take it’s not so smart, not so fast, occasionally completely useless cousin Imigran.
1 x Contact Lens Case. I wear contacts but at work I wear glasses because I stare at a screen all day in air conditioning. I’m not sure why this is in my bag.
2 x Always Infinity Pads. Because they are awesome. And handy. And I’ve had waaaaay too many it’s-been-three-weeks-already?! moments.
1 x Motrin. Life is too long NOT to carry painkillers in your handbag.
1 x Keys. Without my keys I can’t leave the house, access my desk at work to do my job or…actually I have no idea what the third set of keys is for. Maybe The Canadian One’s friend’s old apartment?…So I guess without my keys I can’t randomly break into someone I don’t know’s apartment. Or should that be someone I’ve not met yet?
1 x Tissue. I’m actually surprised that was still in my bag. Usually Louie is all over my bag and pulls the tissue out.
1 x Transit Pass. I don’t drive.
Not pictured: My phone (being used to take the picture), my ID badge for work (for obvious reasons) and my Kindle (which is charging).
How about you? What’s in your handbag? Hit up the comments below and lemme know!
I’ve never finished a game of Monopoly. Not once. Not ever. I’ve not even ever come close to finishing a game, since most games have ended in crossed arms, pouted faces and claims of ‘that’s not how you play!’ and ‘NO, you can’t trade a beer for the Water Works!!’.
Last weekend, we headed off to The Canadian One’s friend’s house to have a few drinks and play a few board games like civilized adults. Due to an overwhelming vote of no Killer Bunnies (dammit!), South Park Monopoly won out and we soon found ourselves wondering if the game will actually end or will it be another one of those times The Canadian One and his friends find the game has come to an abrupt halt with a hockey puck being thrown into a wall / a person being thrown into a wall / an adult-sized tantrum being thrown, delete as appropriate.
We started off slowly. There were the usual Monopoly related problems such as:
‘Do we play house-rules or follow the book?’
‘Do we put the money from Community Chest in the middle and get it when we land on Free Parking or no?’
‘Tradesies allowed for beer and favors?’ It was important to establish that right at the start. It was voted ‘no’ but I later traded The Canadian One one of my red properties for a glass of water, a vodka and orange, one of his blue properties and some cash.
‘Is buying allowed after you’ve gone around the board once or right now?’
And then, since some at the table don’t watch South Park, there were the less traditional questions of:
‘Who’s Butters? I don’t know who he is.’
‘Wait, who am I again?’
‘We have two Kyles? Someone needs to change.’
‘Wait, I got moved. I’m Kyle. Someone moved me!’
‘Who’s the SD card?’
‘Ah, Chef. I know who he is. He sings all those racist songs.’
‘I don’t know who Butters is!!’ ‘You wanna be my engagement ring instead?’
As some points in the game, as there were six of us playing, there were long lags between turns and I felt like bursting into some:
It is the game that never ends,
It just goes on and on my friends,
Some people started playing it not knowing what it was,
And they’ll continue playing it forever just because,
It is the game that never ends,
It just goes on and on my friends…
Until it ended.
And it ended in the spectacularly traditional way of accusations of cheating, money stealing, swearing,
name calling and threats of ‘I’ll flip this board, I’ll flip it right now!’. A quick toss of some money into the pile on the board and the game was done.
No one won. We’re adults who fight over Monopoly, none of us deserved to win.
The last time I played Monopoly was at home in my mother’s house at Christmas in Ireland. The Canadian One and I were visiting and my brother and I decided to break out the Monopoly game. My mother, brother, Canadian One and I all sat down for a game and a drink. Two hours later, with no clear winners in sight, my mother making up her own rules and me stealing money from The Canadian One while he wasn’t watching, the game ended in a four-way tie.
Although my mother will probably swear she won.
Like mother, like daughter, eh?
Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly? What other games have you had end in craziness?
Working in customer service at a contact center, I know how frustrating it can be to suddenly get a customer on the line that was a) pi**ed off to begin with, b) would rather be doing anything else that call you and c) is NOW pi**ed off that they just hate to wait 10 minutes in a queue to speak to you. So imagine how delighted I was when, having played a game of ping pong with The Canadian One when we needed call Telus earlier today, neither of us had much success.
The basics of my issue was, they wrote to us telling us we should switch over to paperless billing to receive a $5 credit to our account. That very day, I switched and then waited. I got my Enmax bill, my Bell bill, The Canadian One’s Bell bill and our credit card bills but no Telus.
Today I got my Telus bill dated August 16th and due August 18th.
Now, I work at the bank, I know it takes 2-3 business days to post a bill to an account and payment via credit card will trigger a cash advance fee. It’s Friday. August 18th is Sunday.
Also, where was my $5 credit?
Now, my issues with Telus stem back to when we first arrived in Canada four months ago when I called them for information and they convinced us to sign up to a three year deal to get a free TV to save ourselves ‘buying a new TV’. We agreed. A free TV is always better than no TV and we signed up.
They came. They installed. They said our TV would arrive in six weeks.
Soooooo we had cable but no TV….o.O…YEP….
Now, they proved themselves very helpful in this instance so I assumed they’d be just as helpful this time if they answered their phones!
Tonight, I came home, heated up my stew and sat down to wait for Telus to answer their phone.
In the midst of listening to bad pop songs blaring through the speakerphone of the iPhone, I was batting back and forth with Chrisof 2KoB on Twitter when I decided to write a Twitter rant…and got a reply…:
THEN I finally got through to a super helpful agent who helped me set up a pre-authorized debit, sort the issue of the late bill arrival and had a general happiness about him for someone working a Friday night.
Among the things said in the conversation:
Me: “Telus are writing to me on Twitter! How did they find me?!!”
Me: “In the letter it says I’d get $2 if I signed up for e-billing. Where’s my $2?”
Him, laughing: “Actually it’s $5.”
Me: “Where’s my $5?!!”
Lol! He laughed and promised me my $5.
Then I posted this:
And then I got this:
I guess we’re friends now.
At my work, we get candy and reward point if we get customer commendations, I hope the dude I talked to gets candy and rewards!
A while back, The Canadian One messaged me on Facebook while he was out and I was home. I wrote back and heard the familiar ‘beep’ of a Facebook message and realized he’d left his laptop on and his Facebook logged in. I told him the next time he left his Facebook logged in, I was changing his profile picture to a unicorn.
I then told everyone about my plan. I told his friends in Canada. I told my friends in Korea. I told everyone.
And I waited.
And he got more and more cautious about his computer. Always logging out. Always taking his phone with him.
And I waited.
And THEN it happened:
And it was GLORIOUS!!
But alas, now I await his revenge…
***If you own the above picture of the unicorn, please please PLEASE write and tell me so we can credit you. It’s my favorite picture ever and it was totally work the wait!***
If you’ve been watching the news in Canada, you’ll know there’s been some flooding in Alberta. Calgary’s declared a local state of emergency and the trains have stopped running.
No trains = No transport = No work for me!
In case there’s any concern, Me and Louie, the kitten, are fine. We’re sheltered three floors up while The Canadian One is away this week. Oddly enough, back in July 2011 was the last time The Canadian One went away for a week and Seoul flooded to the point where I was sent home from school as my classroom had flooded. Today, almost two years later, he went away again and alas, I’m off work. Why?
It’s a sign. And no, Canadian One, the sign is not you’reGod-like…no matter how many times you say it.
Years ago, when I was living in England, I worked at a market research firm. We did after-sales questionnaires for Volkswagen trying to find out how happy people were with their new purchase and their purchasing experience. Of course, the callers would have to type up what they said verbatim and someone had to check all the writing for inconsistencies, grammar and spelling. This is where I came in. I’d spend a few hours each night trawling through all the different written responses and signing off on them. When each batch was done, the computer system, a system that reminded me very much of my commodore 64 when I was younger, would pop up a small box of text containing a Deep Thought by Jack Handey. This was the bit of the night I looked forward to the most: Seeing that little box of text maybe once an hour.
It was awesome.
What, it was a call-center, there wasn’t a lot going on!
“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”
“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”
“It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”
“It’s fascinating to think that all around us there’s an invisible world we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.”
“Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.”
“The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.”
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
“At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be ‘Clark Kent, Dentist,’ because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, ‘How’s my back tooth?’ and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, ‘Oh it’s okay,’ then the patient would probably say, ‘Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?’ and you’d say, ‘Aw f*ck you, get outta here,’ and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.”
Still got time to waste? For more Timewasters, check out:
Good Google: I google ’email monkey’ and it gives me MailChimp, which is exactly what I’m looking for as I remembered their logo being a monkey and they help you send emails.
Took .24 seconds, job done.
Bad Google: I google ‘period pain relief’ and it gives me a series of articles designed to help relieve period pain if you start following the advice a ‘month or two before your period’. CLEARLY if I’m googling ‘period pain’ I’m looking for a fix-it-now solution NOT a wait-two-months-solution.
Took over 30 minutes of me yelling at both the computer and at The Canadian One about how much I hate Google, two Tylenol, a hot water bottle, complaining to my friend via Facebook chat about how much I hate Google, and some storming around between the kitchen, where The Canadian One was hiding, and the bedroom, where my laptop and the source of Google was, before I felt able to lie on the ground and not speak for almost a full minute. Then I continued my b*tching about how one site had insulted me by suggesting ‘time’ as a source of relief.
I’m shedding the lining of my uterine not my brain! I know time will solve it! I know the sun is yellow and hot too. I’m surprised you didn’t feel the need to also tell me that!
It was moments later that The Canadian One offered to brave Costco by himself on a Saturday afternoon while I stayed at home.
In hindsight, I don’t think it was a gesture of understanding, it was more like an escape attempt in the making.
Which brings me to this awesome find. On October 9th 2012, Richard Neill took issue with a very popular manufacturer of a women’s sanitary product, Bodyform. For those of you in the UK or Ireland, you’ll be very VERY familiar with their ad campaigns which feature women doing things I wouldn’t even do on a normal day. Richard left Bodyforma message:
And on October 16th, Bodyform responded…in a way nobody ever expected…ever:
Does anyone else LOVE how they completely break the number one rule of making an ad about products for a woman’s period: NEVER SHOW THE COLOR RED….and the blue liquid!! Ohhhh, the blue liquid!
Have you ever tried explaining your favorite TV show to a person who has never seen your favorite TV show?
Ok, so, it’s called Fringe and it’s about this guy, you know Pacey from Dawson’s Creek? Him. And his dad and the FBI, well, they’re not really the FBI, they’re like a special division that investigate weird events in the world…Yeah, a bit like X Files…kinda…but the guy and his dad aren’t in the FBI. They just help. Oh and there’s a girl and a whole love story too. And the dad is a scientist and he opened a portal to an alternate universe and stole a kid and then the world is gonna end and then these bald people from the future invade and they all get ambered and…Oh no, sorry, ambered is like, it’s…Have you ever seen Jurassic Park?
This happens me all the time with The Canadian One as I watch a lot of TV shows that he doesn’t. Mainly crime dramas. A lot of crime dramas.
To his credit, he has started watching a few of them with me, Sini-S-I: New York (with the lovely Gary Sinise), The Finder and Hawaii 5-O. He was watching Bones with me too but gave up after a few episodes.
It got us thinking about the ridiculousness of most crime dramas and how explaining the basic premise of a lot of them to people who’ve never seen the show can be…well, tricky.
He’s a dog…and he solves crimes. The Littlest Hobo. (or Lassie…) ‘Plots ranged from the simple “dog-helps-person” stories to secret agent-type adventures.’ – Wikipedia
The Canadian One, joking: ‘Ha, he’s a pastry maker…and he solves crimes.’
Me: ‘Wait, I think there is a show like that already!!’
The Canadian One: ‘WHAT?!!!’
He’s a pie maker…and he solves crimes. Pushing Daisies.
He’s a doctor…and he solves crimes. Diagnosis Murder.
He’s a coroner…and he solves crimes. Quincy MD
He’s an alien…and he solves crimes. Alien Nation.
She’s a city morgue worker whose days restart themselves…and she solves crimes. Tru Calling.
He’s a seriel killer…and he solves crimes. Dexter.
He’s a priest…and he solves crimes. Father Brown.
They’re a wealthy couple…and they solve crimes. Hart to Hart.
He’s a fake psychic…and he solves crimes. Psych.
She’s a forensic anthropologist…and she solves crimes. Bones. (maybe not too far fetched given it’s based on a real person)
She’s a model trying to escape bankruptcy by running the detective agency she had previously owned as a tax write-off…and she solves crimes. Moonlighting.
They’re a divorced couple who played a married couple on fake TV show…and now they solve crimes. Diamonds.
He’s a brain damaged war veteran obsessed with finding things…and he solves crimes. The Finder.
He’s a writer…and he solves crimes. Castle. (or change the gender and you have Murder, She Wrote)
He’s a vampire…and he solves crimes. Moonlight. (and he’s now Steve in Hawaii Five-O!)
She’s a high school student…and she solves crimes. Veronica Mars. (whose co-star went on to star in Moonlight)
He’s a neuroscientist who hallucinates and has imaginary friends…and he solves crimes. Perception.
She’s a DEA agent recruited by a covert government agency that hunts genetically enhanced individuals. She discovers that she can heal rapidly from any injury and begins to investigate the source of her powers…and she solves crimes. Painkiller Jane.
He’s a advanced, artificially intelligent and nearly indestructible car…and he solves crimes. Knight Rider.
He’s a robot…and he solves crimes. Robocop.
He’s a ghost…and he solves crimes. Randal and Hopkirk (deceased).
Missed any? Hit up the comments below and let us know. Or describe your favorite TV show to us!
AAAAAnd we’re back after our short break to The Land of the Shamrock where my mother fed us enough food to keep a small army fighting. A short but awesome timewasters this week as there’s unpacking and tidying to be done…and the small fact that I slept from 12:30am til 2:55pm today after which The Canadian One announced I should probably get up considering school’s back tomorrow at 7am and I’ve no chance of getting up on time if I sleep all day today!
Man, if I could give detention at my school, the things I would have to write, ‘Friend called him a ‘baby’, he told him to ‘go back and drink mommy’s milk’…He’s seven and barely speaks any English…I can’t give detention for that! It’s genius!
Don’t forget, here at The Ketchup War, we like to give back so we’re continuing our RANDOM KOREAN PRIZE giveaway. Will it be a packet of Psy sponsored ramen? A cute, kitschy phone dangle? Or something more awesome? (probably not that last one!) All ya gotta do to be in with a shot to win is to ‘like’ a post published between December 18th 2012 and 23:59 (KST) January 18th 2013. Why the 18th? Well, why not the 18th?
Still got time to waste? For more Timewasters, check out:
There’s a website that I’m addicted to called ‘Dear Blank, Please Blank‘ – Be warned, once you check out this site, the next hour of your life is gone! Here are my top 15 submissions on the site and, in case you’re wondering, yes, yes I do totally hope life in Canada is exactly like the Canadian note.